Tweets You Missed

Humor
11 Comments
You don’t follow me on Twitter because you’re not on Twitter, and I can’t say that I blame you. It’s a bunch of people yelling at each other. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure why *I’m* on there. But anyway, here are a few things I’ve said on there lately that you’ll…
Read More
Is that a date I see in that varchar column?

You Captioned This Pic and Won Free Stuff.

Humor
5 Comments
Last week, over 600 of y’all captioned this picture, and we had a lot of laughs: My favorite caption overall was from Aart Bluestoke, who won a Live Class Season Pass for this: The funniest part to me was that I’ve had that exact experience several times with several different data type combinations, and I think…
Read More

Query Store is the Flight Data Recorder. It’s Obvious What We Need Next.

Humor
31 Comments
When Microsoft brought out Query Store, they wrote: Similar to an airplane’s flight data recorder, Query Store collects and presents detailed historic information about all queries, greatly simplifying performance forensics by reducing the time to diagnose and resolve issues. I have a straight face under here, for real It certainly works, making it easier for…
Read More

What SQL Server Feature Do You Wish Would Go Away?

Humor
45 Comments
I asked a two-part question on Twitter: if you could only remove one feature from SQL, why would it be cursors? If you could only remove one feature from SQL, why would it be cursors? — Brent Ozar (@BrentO) January 20, 2021 The responses were great: Auto-shrink does not agree — Warner Chaves (@warchav) January…
Read More

Bad Idea Jeans: Building Big Query Plans

Bad Idea Jeans
7 Comments
When you build a monitoring tool that sends advice via email, you discover two things: Some people have really, really big execution plans Email servers have reasonable limits on file attachment sizes Add those two things together, and Richie found himself working on a new feature for SQL ConstantCare® that would automatically break up advice…
Read More
Portrait in T-SQL

So, uh, you can, like, draw me in SSMS.

Humor
7 Comments
Adrian Sullivan and Michael J. Swart have way too much time on their hands, because Adrian just posted this T-SQL gist, which draws … me: It uses the spatial results feature in SSMS. My mind is blown. I’m totally going to use that in a demo. Thanks, Adrian! I’m already envisioning all kinds of crazy…
Read More
Swear Trek

Brace Yourself for These 9 Database Horror Stories

Humor
23 Comments
Last week, I asked for your worst database horror stories. Hoowee, did you deliver. Make yourself a nice cup of cocoa, gather around the campfire, and listen up for these terrible tales. Illustrations courtesy of Swear Trek (not safe for work.) The mistake we’ve all made Russ did an update without a where clause, but…
Read More
Nothing's wrong, everything's fine

Contest: What’s Your Worst Database Horror Story?

Humor
At SQL Intersection in Orlando last week, a few of us were sitting around a table talking shop. One thing led to another, and as so often happens at conferences, we started talking about our worst scars from database misfortunes. That got me thinking – I could kinda bring that fun experience to y’all here…
Read More

Pop Quiz: SQL 2000 Bug or SQL 2017 Bug?

Humor
7 Comments
2002: Me and Bailey, mom’s Great Dane When I was thinking about this site’s 17th birthday, I started wondering: back in 2002, what bug might I have been working with in SQL Server? I started reading back to the list of bugs fixed in SQL Server 2000 Service Pack 1, and it hit me…these bugs…
Read More

One Hundred Percent CPU

Humor
15 Comments
Raise Your Hand If You’ve ever wanted to play a prank on your co-workers, but just didn’t have a any ideas that didn’t involve exploding Hot Pockets. Now you have something even less safe than molten cheese squirts! A stored procedure that pushes CPUs to 100%. All of’em. Transact-SQL CREATE OR ALTER PROCEDURE dbo._keep_it_100 AS…
Read More

300 Blogs And Running

Humor
26 Comments
Why Bother Blogging? I blog primarily because there’s a Certain Kind of Person that irks me to no end. The kind of person who: Withholds information (you wouldn’t understand anyway) Mocks people for not knowing what they know (oh, you silly things) Uses the people they mock to validate their necessity (you’d be lost without…
Read More

Stupid T-SQL Tricks

Bad Idea Jeans, T-SQL
31 Comments
Presented without comment: Transact-SQL CREATE TABLE dbo.[FROM] ([SELECT] INT, [WHERE] INT, [LIKE] INT); GO SELECT [SELECT] FROM [FROM] WHERE [WHERE] LIKE [LIKE]; GO 1234 CREATE TABLE dbo.[FROM] ([SELECT] INT, [WHERE] INT, [LIKE] INT);GOSELECT [SELECT] FROM [FROM] WHERE [WHERE] LIKE [LIKE];GO Next up, can you break up a query with spaces? Yep: Transact-SQL SELECT * FROM…
Read More

Stuff People Tell Me Is The Default

Humor
29 Comments
Playing The Odds Assuming that life carries on as usual for a couple more weeks, I’ll have been a consultant here for three years. In that time, I’ve had some really interesting conversations with people, mostly about why things are the way they are on their servers. My favorite response is “isn’t that the default?”,…
Read More

How To Break SQL Server’s XML Data Collection

Humor
0
Oh, XML When we first met, it was about 2011. I had to load files full of you into a table. It wasn’t so bad. Seriously. You were well-formed, and didn’t change from file to file. Even using SQL Server 2005, I could take you. Later on, we got really close when I awkwardly started…
Read More
Menu