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Swear Trek

Brace Yourself for These 9 Database Horror Stories

Brent Ozar
Humor
9 Comments
Last week, I asked for your worst database horror stories. Hoowee, did you deliver. Make yourself a nice cup of cocoa, gather around the campfire, and listen up for these terrible tales. Illustrations courtesy of Swear Trek (not safe for work.) The mistake we’ve all made Russ did an update without a where clause, but…
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Pop Quiz: SQL 2000 Bug or SQL 2017 Bug?

Brent Ozar
Humor
7 Comments
2002: Me and Bailey, mom’s Great Dane When I was thinking about this site’s 17th birthday, I started wondering: back in 2002, what bug might I have been working with in SQL Server? I started reading back to the list of bugs fixed in SQL Server 2000 Service Pack 1, and it hit me…these bugs…
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One Hundred Percent CPU

Erik Darling
Humor
14 Comments
Raise Your Hand If You’ve ever wanted to play a prank on your co-workers, but just didn’t have a any ideas that didn’t involve exploding Hot Pockets. Now you have something even less safe than molten cheese squirts! A stored procedure that pushes CPUs to 100%. All of’em. Transact-SQL CREATE OR ALTER PROCEDURE dbo._keep_it_100 AS…
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300 Blogs And Running

Erik Darling
Humor
25 Comments
Why Bother Blogging? I blog primarily because there’s a Certain Kind of Person that irks me to no end. The kind of person who: Withholds information (you wouldn’t understand anyway) Mocks people for not knowing what they know (oh, you silly things) Uses the people they mock to validate their necessity (you’d be lost without…
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Stupid T-SQL Tricks

Brent Ozar
Bad Idea Jeans, T-SQL
31 Comments
Presented without comment: Transact-SQL CREATE TABLE dbo.[FROM] ([SELECT] INT, [WHERE] INT, [LIKE] INT); GO SELECT [SELECT] FROM [FROM] WHERE [WHERE] LIKE [LIKE]; GO 1234 CREATE TABLE dbo.[FROM] ([SELECT] INT, [WHERE] INT, [LIKE] INT);GOSELECT [SELECT] FROM [FROM] WHERE [WHERE] LIKE [LIKE];GO Next up, can you break up a query with spaces? Yep: Transact-SQL SELECT * FROM…
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Stuff People Tell Me Is The Default

Erik Darling
Humor
29 Comments
Playing The Odds Assuming that life carries on as usual for a couple more weeks, I’ll have been a consultant here for three years. In that time, I’ve had some really interesting conversations with people, mostly about why things are the way they are on their servers. My favorite response is “isn’t that the default?”,…
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Let’s Give The Optimizer A Name

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
68 Comments
Clunky As my favorite monkey likes to say, the hardest things do with computers are: 1. Naming things 4. Asynchronous processing 2. Cache invalidation 5. Off by one errors Things are tough for Microsoft, too. Take “the optimizer” for instance. It’s based on something called the Cascades Framework. No one wants to say “Cascades Framework”,…
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How to Throttle Logins to SQL Server

Brent Ozar
Bad Idea Jeans
7 Comments
So, uh, you can use WAITFOR in a logon trigger: Transact-SQL CREATE OR ALTER TRIGGER SorryNorm ON ALL SERVER FOR LOGON AS BEGIN IF ORIGINAL_LOGIN()= 'NormTheNewGuy' WAITFOR DELAY '00:00:15'; END; GO 123456 CREATE OR ALTER TRIGGER SorryNorm ON ALL SERVER FOR LOGON ASBEGINIF ORIGINAL_LOGIN()= 'NormTheNewGuy'    WAITFOR DELAY '00:00:15';END;GO You probably don’t want it to be TOO…
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Brent Ozar reading

Things I Have Not Heard Recently

Brent Ozar
Humor
17 Comments
“No, don’t bother the DBA. It’s probably not a database problem.” “But it says right here that it worked on my machine.” “Solid state storage sure is overrated.” “Thank God for auto-shrink, really saved the day again.” “We’re not picky – you can apply updates whenever you want, whenever’s convenient.” “The VM admin said to…
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French makes everything sound so sexy.

Brent Ozar
Humor
16 Comments
Even error messages: Transact-SQL SELECT * FROM sys.messages WHERE language_id = 1036; 12 SELECT * FROM sys.messagesWHERE language_id = 1036; Produces: Talk dirty reads to me These sound better than anything I would ever write in a romantic letter: “SQL Server a détecté une corruption de mémoire matérielle dans la base de données « %1! », à l’ID…
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Do Variables Exist?

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
13 Comments
I know, I know I swore I’d never talk about variables again. Then I ran into some funny business. Maybe it was quite as funny as the Temp Table Ghosts, but hey. What’s as funny as temp tables? It’s in your heaaaaaaaad If I run this, what do you think will come back? Transact-SQL IF…
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