News & Opinion
Contest: My Favorite Caption Wins a Live Class Season Pass
Update 2021-05-24: the contest is over, and the winners are here.
Let’s have a few laughs this week. In the comments, write a caption for this:
Prizes:
- My favorite caption overall wins a Live Class Season Pass
- Runners-up get both a Recorded Class Season Pass: Mastering Classes and Recorded Class Season Pass: Fundamentals Classes
- Honorable mentions get a Recorded Class Season Pass: Fundamentals Classes
Rules:
- To submit your caption, leave a comment with your caption here (BrentOzar.com) before Sunday, May 23, 2021.
- You can enter multiple times – either with multiple comments, or multiple captions in the same comment.
- The winners will be chosen by me, Brent Ozar, judged using completely unreliable and unpredictable methods. Winners will be announced within one week of the contest closing.
- If multiple people submit the same caption, the winner will be the first one.
- Taxes are the responsibility of the winners.
When you comment, I would highly recommend not subscribing to the comments unless you’re prepared for an avalanche of caption emails, hahaha. (Me, I get the notifications – but I don’t mind having a few laughs along the way, heh.)
Update: you can also use this meme generator.
Free, 3× a week
Get my new posts by email
Three posts a week, plus a Monday roundup of the best database news from around the web.
Did I remember to turn the lava lamp off?
No, no… I said “Stack Overflow”
HELLO BRENT! PLEASE UPLOAD YOUR MASTERCLASS VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE SO I CAN DOWNLOAD THEM FOR FREE!!
-That’s the face that Brent makes when he reads such a comment…:D
HAHAHA, that one is in the running for sure, hahaha.
SELECT b.MyMood
FROM Brent.InIceland b
WHERE Time = 1AM
AND Temperature = 32°F
“Instance problems sniffer”
“Unpredictable snooper”
I suspect this may be a little too predictable, but here’s my entry:
Brent Ozar, after spending an hour in a high-traffic public tempdb in Iceland.
Yes I know you’re cheap … you’re here … on my free training YouTube video … instead of paying for one of my classes!
You want to do *what* in a trigger?
I liked this one Dave!
I would choose this one!
“Sniffing your parameters so you don’t have to!”
Hahaha. Loved this one.
”I’ve killed spids and dreams. I’ve killed everything that ever seeked or scanned at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you, Clippy, for what you done to my table.”
While you think on this, let me have a sip of my tasty beverage … yuck !
When you get called to help deal with database corruption and find out they haven’t been backing up their mission critical database
I have already added this column in include list. Why isn’t it showing seek yet?
When some client tells brent “……I deleted all records unfortunately and I did not take the backup of db……”
“So I have this report which is running really slowly. I’ve added the brilliant nolock option and indexed all the things. But I still get users complaining it’s to slow, and management won’t let me upgrade the production server (aka: my old laptop from 10 years ago)
I know you’re on holiday, but would you mind looking at this for free real quick?
Btw, I need it fixed by 3pm”
– Ah, bugger. I think Brent has crashed.
One more and I’ll leave it be for a while 🙂
“Try AWS Glue they said…”
“No Brent, you are not supposed to snort the Whiskey.”
“They eat pickled WHAT? here”
“You know nothing Microsoft..I have to do all hard part on field?.
“Don’t worry I used NOLOCK”
HA!
Microsoft is working in a new Azure Data Studio version! ?
Hi Trent, I’ve heard you’re like a horse whisperer for databases, can you talk to my database?
“… I trusted a fart.”
Brent’s face after sniffing some really nasty parameters.
Wait, are we in some kind of weird Drew-based recursion loop?
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
I’m just here because this seems like the best subthread.
You received email saying there’s performance issue however upon checking you found out there was just open session from the query window.
??
Brent, can you fix my Excel database?
You say it’s your friend that’s asking the really stupid question ……….. really!!
“And then he said ‘All I did was put a MERGE in a scale user defined function…'”
*scalar
So Brent, you have submitted 45 bugs and other issues about the SQL Server to the support team, And we decided that; we won’t fix…
“and so, we decided to turn off, all statistics on the server… man that helped…”
I like AdventureWorks, and so does Clippy…
I could not use my fav:
BRENT O.: I don’t know your login. I don’t know your SPID. If you are doing heap scan, I can tell you: do not, as I do not have nerves for this. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you terminate your session now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I create clustered index for you.
Random inexperienced MSSQL user: [after a long pause] Good luck.
background: I used to have to install sql server on everyone’s computer even if they had no idea what it was.
me in a monotone lumberg voice: I’m here to install sql server on your laptop.
new employee: secret service!!?? oh no! what did i do??!!
never again, never forget.
I look like a Swede with “snus” under my lip and my wife refuses to kiss me 😉
And first place in the ‘post Covid swab test expression goes to….’
Looking into the future to see when Microsoft will reduce prices for Azure SQL server.
Brent enjoying the geothermally heated hot water around Reykjavik.
Brent after customer explained: Clippy recommended this index!
That moment when you realise that you’ve just run DropIndexes on production.
We shrink our databases once a day to keep indexes as small as possible.
Smaller indexes mean faster queries, right?
I’ll get you for your stupid no-my-friend-said questions!
Did I just hear you tell your manager that you write your backups to ‘NUL’ because it’s quicker?
Brent finding an abstract for an upcoming conference session: SQL Server’s Universal Query: SELECT * with (NOLOCK)!
1.Am I understand it correctly – you want me to fix your SQL 2008 performance that runs on a 16GB box for free just as a test?
2.Brent reading about SQL Azure new AI service that supposed to automatically fix any performance problem by running reindex tasks
Go ahead punk, Make my day
Brent’s new parameter sniffing technique proved to be his most controversial to date.
What do you mean you’ve run out of coffee and alcohol?
Forgetting to say “My friend said…” when providing and invalid solution.
The look you get after Brent reads SQL Server CU release notes.
Brent holding in a sneeze
“Azure will solve all my problems right?” – client
When you getting coffee but realize you forgot to load the coffeemaker with coffee.
OR
Between waking up and coffee in the morning.
You must buy a new NVMe SSD for doing master courses labs at home
What’s that burning smell coming from your server? Ah, a heap table.
“Of all the things wrong in SQL Server, you chose to complain about the lack of dark theme in SSMS?!”
I CHECKDB the secondary, it’s the same thing.
I know it’s fast, I re-index every night.
It’s as fast as it can be, I created all the recommended indexes.
Asked clippy for a dirty read and he gave me “50 shades of nolock” ?
I CHECKDB the secondary, it’s the same thing.
I know it’s fast, I re-index every night.
Hi Brent, I’ve got an issue with my database. Can you fix this now?
Consultant’s reaction to the client saying they are on SQL Server 2008 R2 version.
“One does not simply DBCC SHRINKFILE on production”
Live footage from Reykjavik as the legal team representing Mr. C. Lippy formally issue defamation of character papers against Mr. B. Ozar as the ‘SQL Server Tuning Wars’ reaches a new low.
HAHAHA, in some webcast, I said something about putting the lippy in Clippy, and I totally forgot about it until now. That was such a good joke.
You are ‘one eyed Iceland SQL jack’
Those times when you are outside and in need of a 10 minute bio break.
Big firm Client for Brent Ozar firm to help them fix a burning server. Brent’s reaction after running sp_blitz – Last full backup on all user databases was almost a year back.
I’ll get you for stupid no-my-friend-said questions!
Join? Trigger? Index? Oh…I’ve seen things. Things that scare children and make under-trained DBAs cry. The sound still haunts me….
“Adding up the operator % in a live query plan”
HA!
Did I use the right where-clause in my last update?
Repeat that again, you said you have no foreign keys on your database?
Ooo, looks like someone needs Mastering Index Tuning…
This damn sulphur!
I tell you what, the sulphur smell isn’t as bad as the manure fertilizer. It’s spring, and the farmers are springin’ a terrible surprise on me.
Have you tried Surstömming? This delicious herring smells like a frowers field.
Release the hounds.
“The Business” has approved the Friday deployment for 5:00pm.
Picture taken at: 4:59PM Friday.
I love the smell of unused indexes in the morning.
HAHAHA, that…is good.
“Whaaaat? How on earth did this guy successfully manage to run select * from * ?!!!”
My face when … I try Clippy index suggestion
The Before and After face of a sick SQL Server that got good performance tuning.
Hi Brent, I have this DTS package. . . . . . .
“I don’t know how you got my home address – but get off my lawn and post that question in StackOverflow.”
Well, well, well. Little Bobby Tables. All grown up. Looks like we meet again.
You trying to pronounce Klofalækjarkjaftur
“So, I opened MSAccess and it does not ….”
Dude, using a cursor to go through and rebuild all your indexes on a daily basis, really???
Can you help me move?
OMG!! Again same smell, don’t know when spring will get over.
The face you make when management says moving to the cloud is going to save so much money.
“A Fistful of Querybucks”
Brent, *sigh*, you broke the build…again.
Your “friend” said that about SQL Server…eh?
Your “friend” said WHAT about SQL Server?
LinkedIn Message:
“Dear Brent
In these uncertain times, the only certainty is that the role of the DBA is becoming obsolete. Protect your future today, and enrol in NoSQL for beginners.”
Brent: ?
You want to talk to me about SQL 2010 CU 10?
2019 not 2010, oh brother
Ah, the horse manure on a great Icelandic day!
Someone asked me to stay out of SQL server and start teaching other SQL databases
Always include all columns of the table in the NC indexes, no more lookups and high speed!
We’re considering a SQL Server consultant. To help us evaluate your service, can you first fix our production performance bottlenecks?
“No, I haven’t read the documentation…”
“It ran ok on my machine.”
RAIDs? Dont need it, have checksum enabled!
I need my sysadmin not to have sysadmin rights, for security reasons!
Dont need a DBA, just upgrade the hardware and the problem will be gone!
SQL Server InterNULLs
when you’re too sexy and you know it!
It’s fine. I read online you can run any query in production as long as you add (no lock).
The face that Brent makes when he takes a large dump………. file for analysis after a crash!
“So, you watched the ‘How to Think Like the Engine’ video? Really? I DON’T THINK SO, CHIEF!!!!!”
DO YOU EVEN INDEX BRO?!?
I can make your SQL Server run fast. But my BM’s at this age, not so much.
I sneer at you from my Icelandic paradise… your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries… oh, and you write poorly-performing SQL too…
The face when Stack Overflow announces they are bringing in Fabian Pascal to assist with their databases.
Microsoft’s newest CU release notes: “bug fixes and performance improvements”
Brent reads a widely shared SQL “best practice” comment:
‘Always use “SELECT *…” to ensure future backward compatibility for your DAOs w/o having to re-write your queries’
Erika tells Brent it’s either her or Helmet…
Ernest Shinks the Database
When a person who #askbrent not willing to #paybrent
Whenever a person asks Brent why he runs sp_Blitz before sp_BlitzFirst.
The face only a DBA could love.
“You did WHAT with your indexes!?!“ – Brent, probably
What’s done is done. Now, I’m open to suggestions on how we should word our response, but I definitely think we should leave out the words, “unauthorized change.’
They only use lowercase to keep their databases small.
You miss 100% of the [snaps]shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky
– Michael Scott
– Brent Ozar
Please hold. I drank too much wine and I’m undergoing a page split.
You did what to your SQL Server and want ME To fix it?
The moment Brent hears that the EU are releasing new GDPR regulations.
“Once again, I’m asking for your support…. In tuning your indexes.”
It wasn’t rolling back fast enough so I rebooted.
Dang it! Every time I ride shotgun in the Land Rover in Iceland, I get STUCK admiring the scenery with the window down!
It depends
“Brent who?”
Can you Smelelelelelelellelelelelelllll what the Data Base… is… cooking….?
Powershell? Why the f*** would I use that?
“Brent’s first OnlyFans post.”
“Um, was I the only one to eat the Fish Surprise?”
‘You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?’ :{>
I instantly thought the same thing 🙂
I thought I smelled a nested cursor in there somewhere.
Did that smell come from me, or someone else? If it’s me, way too go – so much body and full of flavour….hmmm. Wait….. what If it’s someone else? I bet it was you….you sat over there smiling to yourself…looking happy….I know it was you,…you absolutely DISGUST me!!!!!!
Damm…what ever happened to that Jelly Belly chick. I could use some popcorn beans right about now. 🙂
HAHAHA, that is totally true right there, heh. Good to hear from you! Hope you’re doing well.
The consultant said moving to the cloud would solve everything!
What the heck, this attendee is asking me an Oracle question in a SQL Server class ?
Nothing like the smell of parameter sniffing in the morning!
The look when you see a busload of tourists have arrived at the Blue Lagoon just before you.
HAHAHA, this is true.
“And you expect a different result with MAXDOP = 1?”
You bought SQL Server 2014 Enterprise Licenses on… eBay!?
please, pull my finger, it hurts
THAT IS NOT MY FINGER
I didn’t realize this was the OnlyFans comment section!
“I could talk about normalization and men’s fashion all day but I’m afraid work must intrude…”
With apologies to the incomparable Alan Rickman… 🙂
When someone’s ask you a free season pass…
I spy with my little eye, a SQL plan gone quite awry.
Parameter Sniffing!
When you can not use the option recompile.
Morning eruption 🙂
“I knew tempDB was a public toilet but this is ridiculous.”
or
“I’ve set up a job to toggle the recovery mode and run DBCC_SHRINKDATABASE every day so we never have to worry about database growth again.”
Who called asking me for help recovering data from SQL Server 2000?
Should I be running sp_BlitzFirst…first?
Do you even SQL, bro?
Oh I’m sniffing, but parameters aren’t the issue
You did WHAT to Helmut?
“My face when I see a 6 column table with 15 indexes on it”
My lead DBA did what?
What, want me to restore 10TB database just to recover a single record?
haha, will have to blame someone else for this one! 🙂
“Brent Ozar, after being told a ‘friend’ suggested scheduled database shrinking.”
“Brent Ozar, after SQL Server offers an estimated row count.”
When someone tells you he relies on the percentages of the execution plans
Please be careful, this can happen to you when you get to close to an active volcano.
Can I just take Mastering Index Tuning before Fundamentals of Index Tuning?
or
Brent, how would you feel if I said I hated Iceland?
or
Can I borrow the keys to the Porshe? I’ll be right back I promise!
GET TO THE CHOPPER
GRAB MY HAND IF YOU WANT TO LIVE
do it, DO IT NOW
Oops ! I just dropped a live DB
Whatchu talkin about, Clippy?
“Hey Brent, what is your beef with ‘ SELECT * ‘, because it always delivers what the customer wants? Asking for a friend.”
“With a rebel yell, she cried, ‘more, more, more'”.
Ooo, now I’m wondering if I could pull off the Billy Idol lip curl, hahaha.
(from real life, unfortunately) Right after the question is asked “So, what version of Oracle are we running on SQL Server?”
“Go ahead, developer, make my day.”
Brett, why don’t you just use With recompile everywhere instead of wasting your time rewriting all these damn queries ?
I hate it when people come to me before reading the documentation.
When you see your first sunlight after six months in Iceland
Oh no, it’s the other way around, hahaha – when I see sunset for the first time in the fall!
Whaddya mean my Icelandic accent sucks? Farðu að sjúga egg!
Hold my beer…
You want your query to join that billion row table to a UDF function and have a query result in less than 2 seconds…
* Psyllium husk fiber capsules kick in. *
HAHAHA, I have totally taken those…
Don’t worry, we had the last guy put NOLOCK on every stored proc.
Staring down the Polar Bear.
Client: Hey Brent, need your help to fix performance issue on my Production server having 4GB of RAM.
Brent: just take my laptop and run Sql on it. Lol
The face Brent makes when restoring a database waiting the 5 minutes all the while the restoration window reads 100%.
HAHAHA
“Could you go over that part again, I had to step away from my computer for the past hour.”
Smellevision Replaces Television!
Norseman’s smile,
Brent’s gone native.
“We’re paying you to make this faster, what do you mean you need to change code or indexes, you know that’s not allowed here. Just make it faster like you said you could.”
Brent, stop spreading the wrong information, DBCC checks are simply a worthless use of server cpu cycles, stop doing them.
And you call that adequate cumulative update documentation…
Infrastructure Team: “We went ahead and installed our state-of-the-art data center in the basement right beneath that indoor, 4-story waterfall you saw on the way in. Pretty sure we’ve thought of everything but can you help us brainstorm anything we might have overlooked?”
Brent: …
Said in a pirate voice…
“Arr…, I should a worn me pants!”
I tested in prod
In an alternate universe, Brent wonders if he should have gone into systems instead of house painting.
Whadya’ mean you don’t have backups?
Brent in his best clippy voice “Do you feel lucky, punk? Well… do you?”
Is it Index Rebuild or Reorganize??
I’m just commenting so I can unsubscribe to the comments because I was not prepared for an avalanche of caption emails, hahaha.
Upon hearing “I have a nightly job to shrink all our databases to keep things tidy”.
“I can smell your house from here”
But it worked fine on my laptop! (facepalm)
During the free web cast I asked for the 10th time Brent can he look at my very specific query and advice me for free!
So this is the face, before reminds me that there are Consulting page in his site!
Second one is:
SQL Driver ask me – “Are you talking to me!”
SSMS is bringing the ‘debugger’ back???
Hehe probably you just “Left” the NoSQL bar because no one would let you to join a table.
NOLOCK hint? Fair warned, be ye, says I. Yar …
no more sql tuning in sql server 2019, everything runs fast magically.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Inserts a million rows into a table variable.
“Brent – Hey SQL how many rows do you think are going to return?
SQL – 1”
Trying to think how to say “My friend said…” in Icelandic lang
Parameter Sniffing!
When you can not use option recompile!
” How can I ‘be cool honey bunny’ when you keep insulting Integers? “
It’s called “Hákarl”?
I’ll tell ye a tale ta’ make your gizzard curl.
Nah.. it won’t get full because we truncate the log every 5 minutes.
Yeah I can help you out easily with that quey!
Then pucture from 5 hours later :p
“No dark nights for good night sleep” season is already here?
Covid – 19 is over ….
What. The. Heckaton, man …
ICELAND?? I thought you said “Graceland!”
Was that YOU, or the sulphur geysers?
Your friend said that … YOU were the one who asked the question …
Look on Brent’s face when a commenter offers to help him with his SQL…
This picture was brought to you by the Icelandic Tourist Board.
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were just trying to turn your server into a space heater…
So, how much time would say you spend coming up with TrumpDBA tweets?
ugh…Oracle for dinner again?
When you are out in public in urgent need of a 10 minute bio break but the only toilet you can find is TempDB.
“What? Erika still loves me despite my public appearances?”
Where’s my eye patch? A stupid Gyrfalcon escaped from Húsdýragarðurinn and tried to take me out.
Walked in a NoSQL Bar and couldn’t find a table!
SQL server remove all indexes when restarted. So we have no control over that.
Ladies and Gentlemen your attention please; In tonight’s performance of a “A fist full of dollars the musical” the part of Joe will be played by Brent Ozar.
When Clippy says: “I’d recommend you pivot the house by 45% to help with that mold problem.”
I know this is the free Fundamentals of Database Administration but I’ve got this stored proc that causes deadlocks all the time can we trouble shoot this stored proc here in class?
IT HURTS
You work with computers, right? Can you fix my (laptop) (printer) (cable TV) (cell phone) (car entertainment system) (TV set) (cat)?
Me: Since you’re still going to be tied up teaching this Live Masters class for the next five hours, can I borrow the Porsche?
Brent: …
Me: Ummmm. Uhhhh, I’m asking for a friend?
Brent listening a client with a proudly voice: “I’m sure it is not an index problem! We create all Sql Server recommended indexes every week, and even have a job running every 6 hours for rebuilding all indexes online with a 85% fill factor. It can’t possibly be an index problem.”
“Fine! I won’t put ‘IDX’ in front of my index names again! Happy now?!?”
“There’s a limit on how much Clase Azul I can import before I have to get an import license!?!?!”
Filed under “how Brent ended up in prison, part 37”
I’m not crying… I just got a little SQL in my eye!
Did you actually read the documentation?
Brr, then the fanniff, it’s cold enough already!
Developer: “Why can’t you restore just one table?”
Me…
And you call yourself a well-documented database!
Whoa… Do farts have lumps?
Now the pubs have re-opened, don’t be thinking you can have a socially distanced drink with me to help you sanitise your dirty database queries.
‘I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!’
One of those fricking Icelandic Puffins just pooped on my Jag.
In the true spirit of making Brent a meme : https://graeme.is/images/meme-brent.png
Brent: How’s that restore from Azure cold storage directly to on-prem progressing?
Azure: Five minutes, Turkish.
Brent: It was two minutes five minutes ago!
“Enjoy yer Sunday, wickie. It’s back te work tomorrow.”
Brent after reading a question from a user that was clearly addressed in the article above…
I propose this code in its entirety being stamped over the picture:
create function
dbo.BooleanIntChecker
(@val1 int, val2 int)
RETURNS bit
WITH SCHEMABINDING
as
BEGIN
DECLARE @bit =0
if @val1 = @val2
BEGIN
set @bit = 1
return @bit
END
ELSE
set @bit = 0
return @bit
END
END
Brent — What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
https://imgflip.com/i/59w2hn
“You thought my name was Erik?”
I forgot all the smells I missed out on by wearing my mask
“I yam what I yam an tha’s all I yam” – Popeye the Scaler Function man
1.) The name is Ozar, Brent Ozar: Killer of Dreams
2.) Can you smeeeeelllllllll what the Ozar is cooking!?!?
3.) Listen. Do you smell something? Cracking down on Parameter sniffing since 1850 (LOL! Just kidding!)
4.) Go ahead SQL…make my day!!!
5.) You want the truth about SQL!? You can’t handle the truth!!!
6.) Sweet Potato! Do you smell that!?
SELECT
COUNT(*) AS OmgAreYouSerious
FROM sys.sql_modules AS s
WHERE s.definition LIKE ‘%NOLOCK%’;
/*
Results
OmgAreYouSerious
3478
*/
Wait your entire company credit card processing database is in SQL 7 on a Windows NT server?
“Arr, Matey. It don’t pay to look up when the Puffins be flyin’ overhead.”
To me, this face says: I know what you did to the poor SQL server and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Postgresql!, We don’t need no stinking Postgresql!
Brent: “Is the volcano erupting again or did Paul just walk by?” Paul: “That depends.”
I’m I sniffing a different parameter
“When I realize the hottest month in Iceland has 57F (14C)”
7.) The Look when then Elephant has been in the room too long
8.) The look SQL Server gives Clippy when he’s given another Ridiculous Recommendation
This is the FACE SQL Server makes when he says “don’t worry, I got this” when he usually don’t got this.
HA!
“You should switch to Oracle.”
Oh you want help with your specific problem in the middle of this webinar that hundreds of people are attending?
The Face You Make When You Start A Caption Contest.
https://imgflip.com/i/59w0r3
9.) This is how your face permanently freezes when you live in the Icy land of the Midnight Sun.
Hang on… need to generate a SQL dump file..
My old Indian friend Ehatever thinks that charm is not necessarily beauty. Ps don’t want to be mean ?
Or : the face you show after a student recognise you and wants to talk ?
My old Indian friend Ehatever thinks that charm is not necessarily beauty. Ps don’t want to be mean ?
Or : the face you show after a student recognise you and wants to talk ?
With NoLock you say?????
Hey! I know you! You’re Brett Ozark, right?
Brent after hearing the customer say “oh we always store all our dates as NCHAR(10) so we don’t have to worry about converting them later”
or “We heard that storing NULLs in the database was bad, so we store the actual word ‘NULL’ to represent unknown values”
Prod is SQL 6.5 version.
Developer: “Why can’t you restore just one table?”
Me…
You what because Clippy told you?
I WON’T LOSE THE TRAINing
“Did you just say your performance problems started around the time you enabled AUTO_SHRINK on your 5TB Production database?”
Brent Ozar video watcher: “I’ll just post my question wherever I want. Forget Polgab”
Brent…
Ah yes, I think we’ve shown this exact face on YouTube a few times, hahaha.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you
Would you just do a quickie system DB restore for me? Thanks.
You really made a stored procedure that runs a cursor for the whole table that runs multiple scalar user defined functions?
Microsoft will never separate the installation of Sql Management Studio and Azure data studio.
Merge Replication
Time to pressure wash my house.
To Sql server from all DBA’s
“YOU AND I, IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD !!”
“I heard you know about databases. I have business critical application built in MS Access…”
Brent defragging his stomach after all that Icelandic cuisine.
Upvote my request for nvarchar(max) clustered index key.
ReadUncommitted means never having to admit to NOLOCK
“People tell me I’m condescending…”
Leans in real close
“That means I talk down to people. “
HAHAHA
Brent hearing his native dog going “Bjork Bjork”
Q: Do you know the difference between DBA and God?
A: God doesn’t think he is DBA.
I put an index on every column, but my system still runs slow. What’s wrong?
Did you just put a scalar function in your where clause?
-NO! I cannot optimize your Excel database!
-People say I’m apathetic, but I don’t care!
-Oh… Do I have an insert statement for you!
“ARR-bar? It’s pronounced “REE-bar!”
Brent thinking : “Why don’t he just try it instead of asking this kind of question on the forum?”
Brent learning Batman in Icelandic is Leðurblökumaðurinn
Brent learning global warming means that soon it’ll just be called “Land”
I’m not worried about page splits, all my indexes have fillfactor 50
Triggers? We don’t need no stinkin’ triggers
When SELECT SERVERPROPERTY(‘ProductVerision’), SERVERPROPERTY(‘ServerName’) returns 6.5 and Production.
Breathtaking……Brent
Brent! Please do the needful.
I hate Mondays, that is when we have Hákarl for dinner!
Do you have a lisonce…. Are you blind?
You rebooted what server?
Batches, we don’t need no stinkin’ batches
Wait, Whaaat!!
No, I cannot imaginær how a GDPR booth babe would look like!
Brent’s face when I say I’ll post the demo scripts later.
Nicely done!
I think these glasses could use a new index.
Backup? I don’t think that means what you think it means.
Learning the hard way that “Pandemic” is not a SQL Server isolation level
If you talk as Sql server, you begin to look like Sql serwer.
Index tunning? Don’t worry, I have an automation that creates ALL indexes from missing index warnings, if the name already exists the script add an incremental number at the end of the index name. No missing indexes for me.
The face you make to the person asking you if you want an extended car warranty.
Parameter Sniffing problems? Don’t worry, I have a mantenance plan that updates all statistics every 10 minutes, SQL will always get the best query plan
I’m just going to try this on production…
Does this phone have a selfie filter that captures the real me?
“Brent after hearing which SQL server version the client is using”
Brent sniffing a parameter.
The face you make when asked if you can you write a report, because people think DBA means Report Writer.
I wonder is a kick in the nads would be better than my next flight in coach.
We tried adding an index but;
The operation failed because an index or statistics with name ” already exists on table
Oracle, really Oracle??
Ewwww. Did you REALLY just eat that.
Day 37. The northern lights just won’t quit. Trying squinting.
HAHAHA, good to hear from you, sir. It was funny – we only saw them 4-5 times! We have really bad luck on those. But now that the constant sunlight is starting, hooowee…
If I pull my hoodie up will I look like Mr. Robot?
SQL Server used to let you do this…
sp_configure ‘allow updates’, 1
update dbo.sysobjects set…
I’ve done this in production too :-0
Arrgh matey. To keep the ship from burning you must swab the poop deck!
After 18 months of hard work we finally have everything migrated to the cloud. Now you want to switch Cloud providers!
Should read:
We tried adding an index but;
The operation failed because an index or statistics with name “Name of Missing Index, sysname,” already exists on table
Your defrag job runs every hour?
People Magazine called – your “Sexiest Man Alive” submission did not break the top 100 for the 4th straight year.
He was robbed! Stolen election! Massive voting fraud!
Microsoft have fixed the query optimiser, rendering query tuning consultancy a thing of the past.
I smell a rat…
GDPR is great!
Is it too late to switch to Oracle?
happy…birthday?
The reason why Masks are required!
They’re so old, their first Christmas was the first Christmas!
“Can we have your home phone number in case our system goes down over the weekend?”
“Azure Auto Tuner is awesome! It does all the performance enhancements for us!”
“How about offering some of the Master classes for free too?”
“We do SAN backups instead of database backups. Is that a problem?”
“You’re available for emergencies while you’re in Cabo, right?”
“Let’s go for a run!”
Erika: “I signed us up to backpack the whole Appalachian Trail. Pack your bags!”
“Sorry sir, it appears that your penthouse reservation was canceled. We can only offer you a standard room with twin beds and no A/C.”
“We’re all out of alcohol.”
HAHAHA, you know me well.
Looking at the (not) well-documented steps needed to patch an *offline* install of Visual Studio 2017…
Do I look like I want to sniff any more of your parameters?
No, Polar Bear does NOT taste like chicken.
Erika! You left the cover off again! The neighbor kids are back in the hot tub.
The face that launched Brent’s consulting career… (when he accidentally made it out loud in front of the CTO during a “feature” request meeting).
Internet is down in Iceland so I’m going to teach y’all old-school style.
Now…look carefully. My right eye is your current fillfactor. My left eye is what it should be.
“You did this ON purpose, didnt you?”
Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
We want to put everything in Azure to lower our costs…
Ya think since we’re closer to the North Pole Santa could afford to be more generous
Microsoft announces they will accept Bitcoin to pay to SQL Server Enterprise, and Dogecoin for Standard
Microsoft plans to auction Clippy as an NFT
Trick or Treat? When did Halloween come to Iceland?
Say again how many guests we’re entertaining tonight?
We installed mission critical database of 4TB on C drive on 4 CPU and 16GB RAM after “researching” on Google and queries are running way slower. We don’t have any budget to upgrade any resources till next year. Can you help us? Oh, and our budget for consulting is $100 max. I can check with my supervisor and may be able to bump it to $110. Let me know.
I’ve been working all night on this problem, but it hasnt got dark since may and its now September….
Life went downhill for Milhouse after leaving The Simpsons.
We don’t worry about permissions, we just use sa.
“Got any whiskey?”
Why again do we need a solar rechargeable food slicer?
“Krona…?
How much is that in query bucks?”
If I squint really hard I can see Greenland from my back yard
Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?
Erika! Call the service guy. I can’t get the lawnmower started again.
Is that Microsoft Bob?
Neighbors keep blasting those Icelandic ballads. How do we make then stop?
Hangover face: What do Tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?
Uhhh….because I said so?
Huh, I better need to change my eyeglass.
Me: yeah… So, I’ve created a trigger that triggers when that other trigger triggers. But I forgot that I had already added another trigger… So, now the trigger also triggers the trigger that triggers the trigger when that other trigger triggers…
*Brent’s face:*
Wow is that the temperature- never seen -60c before
So that what happens to wee at -40
I stayed in all day especially and they still dropped a card through the letterbox and left my parcel with the neighbor. Nearest one is 60 miles away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But Brent,
You always drop all your indexes during your classes, I thought I should do it in production and start fresh! No Bueno?
Go ahead DBA, make my day…
“Your friend wants to ask … what’s the best fillfactor for your heap!”
yeah, duplicates do go away if you squint hard enough
“that might be a date column you’ve got there”
https://imgflip.com/i/59x7i4
You like our summer Mr Brent?
It’s ok, our cloud provider backs up the whole server every night.
“I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I’m moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.”
After my 2nd vaccine shot
… also, decaf capsules are better for your machine.
“Put it straight into production, and go back to work!!
1. International SQL Pirate – wanted for theft of CPU Cycles and Physical IO
2. Will Work for TempDB Space
The Manager doesn’t like Null’s so we use zero’s.
Wait, you say you’re what? You’re out of ice? It’s Iceland!
Yes, my rider for on site classes does say no Taco Bell.
HAHAHA, … well, I actually do like Taco Bell, believe it or not.
When I purchase Brents’s training then later find out he’s offering the same training with a discount.
Crashed, huh? And your last backup was when?
SELECT … THIS!
Clippy said so?
Brent Eastwood is Dirty DBA. I know what you’re thinking. “Did he add 5 indexes … or 6?”
Yup I created all the index sql server recommended but my query is still slow. I already have 15 nonclustered index, 0 clustered index.
GDPR
Did you say “where’s the FASTER button?”
The last time I drank that much Tequila was…. yesterday!
“When you feel a fart coming”
Shiver me triggers! Batten down them latches ya scurvy logs!
https://imgflip.com/i/59xvbt
“SQL Inject-wha ‘; SELECT * FROM Users –“
Seriously?? You ran my demo scripts on Prod without reading instructions?
When the developer asks for SA in production….
I’ll be there in a sec’, just truncating the log.
Iceland – summers are chilly and rest of year has seasons cold
Brent Ozar’s live class season pass – value surpasses a year and worth its weight in gold!
So who put the Superglue where my eyedrops were?
Your “friend” wrote that SQL…right?
I thought it was easy with Ireland. Eeeh…
Feeling good! After got vaccinated two shots!
How can I undrop my database? No, we don’t have any backups.
Backup? I’m pretty sure somebody did it.
Is that the sun or is my Database not happy to see me…
Damn it! I only washed twice after cutting up that Habanero and scratching my eye!
My face when they ask me to “turn on ALL the trace flags”
“First you buy me dinner and take me to eat Icelandic rotten shark and now you want to convince me that running all SELECT queries with NOLOCK is a brilliant idea, really??”
In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king…
What is SQL, I don’t know anything I’m on vacation.
Today i feel like Lucky Luke. I will destroy those deadlocks.
“So you’re telling me you use T1806 in production ?”
Nooo it’s not that ‘top’, also, what’s you operating system?
Brent hears the pun “can you tune ma radio?” again.
I don’t need to see your code, I can smell it!
The face you pull when you hear Iceland’s entry to the Eurovision Song Contest final (and think that might just win)
Picture of some kitchen tools in the window of a wooden house.
“So yeah, I deleted the transaction log because the disk was full and now the database won’t start”
Brent: …
(based on a true story)
It’s Friday! But you’re on call this weekend.
“SQL Server on Linux? ah you want my twin brother Brent”
Man I really need to stop commenting on this thread and do some work, or that will be my face.
SQL Server 2023 will ship with complete, error free documentation
“We want 1000% times faster for 10% of the cost”
Hey Brent… I just set your databases to Auto shrink…
Meme: https://imgflip.com/i/59ytiz
Don’t touch my coffee, I’ve seen you spill queries.
What do you mean, you’re not asking “for a friend”?!
SELECT ingredient1 Collate Icelandic_CI_AS, Ingredient2 COLLATE Icelandic_CI_AS from Local_tequila
Intersec
Select ingredient1,ingredient2 from Previous_location ;
eh, return 0 !
Grr I hate snow now!
CRAETE ..
Brent Ozar: Author of “SQL Cursors are Brilliant!” (leaving his publishers office.)
“Err, I think I put on Erika’s glasses again…” – (I did think about other items but I’m keeping it clean)
“Microsoft guarantees no corruption on current release of the SQL Server”
:wave my hand mystically at Brent:
_- These are not the user-defined types you are looking for… -_
https://imgflip.com/i/59yyza
Who has drunk all the whisky?
“How many caption entries to I have to evaluate?”
My friend’s parameter sniffing in the wild gone wrong.
“Hey Mr Ozar, my SQL 2019 Enterprise server with 1 GB memory and 16 cpus is going slow, even after putting it up to 32 cpus and increasing the index rebuilds to every hour, can you fix it for me?…I’ll buy you a drink if you can, I have to go home now, but I’ll leave it logged in for you”
This is the exact same face I have after a shot of decaf coffee in the morning!
Wait a minute…. Ireland is colder than I thought
Icelandic whisky – A tasty dung smoked beverage
“You are asking me to help you store documents in SQL Server using XML and IMAGE data types?”
Hey Brent! We have to do a rollback because I checked the wrong code into TFS and it got pushed during deployment. BTW I don’t have any whiskey at home and that smell is my perfume.
It’s all because you’ve got the bathroom window behind you.
Brent : “What did you say ?”
Me : “InnoDB”
Brent : “He know Deebie ?!? well … that sounds like a good thing I imagine “
Hi Bernt (Brett, Bert, or other variation), I saw your video on Youtube, can you write my query for me? Its urgent and my client (or homework) is really depending on your help.
Dammit, my neighbor just got a used Aston Martin, and it’s a lot cooler than my Jag. And she paid less for it.
I said Margarita not Margherita Dammit
“What did you say ? I-n-n-o DB”
You want me to develop a First Responder Kit for Oracle ???
“MySQL ?!? Well … retirement near a volcano or two I guess”
“YOU ARE MAKING MONEY WITH MY STUFF , and I know this “
Um based on your answer I would suggest getting some Brent Ozar training!
“Wooaah, I can’t believe so many captions have been posted. Do I have to read them all?”
…Brent searches for some “random reply selector” code…
He’s old school. print them out, post on the wall, and use darts!
Get off my lawn!
Erika . . . I don’t think we’re in California any more!
https://imgflip.com/i/59zjoo
Thinking about sets all day, will make you blind they say.
Damn, locked myself out again
How many cursors did you say we’re in that stored procedure?
The look of a man who’s just been lectured about why they need to move to a new platform because it’s “Web Scale”
IF I TOLD YOU SO
WAS A REAL PERSON.
https://imgflip.com/i/59zov8
What do you mean my blog software has a reply limit and my web site is down?
Microsoft to Brent: We need you! You are our only hope! Will you lead our SQL Server dev team ?
Passwords are too hard to remember – I always leave mine blank,
SQL is ready pretty if you squint real hard!
SQL is really pretty if you squint real hard!!!
from Imgflip Meme Generator
“I’m strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach…”
Who put a deadlock on my Snowmobile????
Go ahead… hint my day.
No, fault tolerance is not the same as wearing two zip up shirts.
“We come from the land of the ice and snow From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new land To fight the horde and sing, and cry
Valhalla, I am coming”
“Say Free Training one more time, I dare you, I double dare you ……… say free training one more time!!!”
Brent, I have a MS Access question can you help?
“We’re waiting on the dev group to email the SA password”
MS announcement: due to popular demand and the huge number of references and suggestions from various people ( Brent, most of the time), the SQL Server team decided to replace Query Optimizer with Clippy and Intellisense with Thesaurus.
NO… changing sp_Blitz to sp_SuperBlitz does not make you the author!!!
That look when you get told, again, that the vendor needs sa access…
Do you feel SQL lucky punk….or do you still want to carry on with no backups because you are still too busy.
Did I clear the browser history?
Like an Icelander stepping into the first summer suns, I can lead you out of your SQL darkness!
“Did you really just drink the last of my Tequila?”
Move to Iceland, they said… It’s a beautiful country, they said… Full of mostly inactive volcanos, they said…
“Sometimes I wonder why I even write comments”
or, along the same lines…
“Do you people even read the comments?”
You have how many indexes? You know that’s a limit, not a goal right?
What do you mean my bank uses merge to update my balance?
Hi Brent, we run all our queries across linked servers so we can manage everything in one place!
As you can see, winking is another one of my many effortless skills.
USA and Greenland jointly agreed to enact the Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution from now!
“Oh yeah… forgot – I did eat that last bowl of soup before we left on our hike, but we do have that kale left…”
from Imgflip Meme Generator
A GOOD DBA; ALWAYS KNOWS HIS LIMITATIONS
Man who figured out all things SQL yet mesmerized by a dog biting its tail…
object reference not set to an instance of an object
“Our server is running too slowly because the SAN is full. Let’s create a new instance of sql server, then send queries to the old one over linked servers.”
-Actual suggested solution at my wife’s office
Mmmm… Hákarl.
“Really??? You think a cursor is the only way to do that?”
[Repeats question smugly]: “Do I think adding another index would help?”
“You want the ENTIRE production db replicated to the DEV environment?”
“I’m here to flog knowledge into you and drink Throat Coat Tea, and I’m all out of tea.”
Súrsaðir hrútspungar is made from what?
Something stinks here: parameter sniffing maybe
Something stinks here: wrong indexes maybe
Something stinks here: bad sql query
🙂
https://imgflip.com/i/5a1nkh
When you find out the “free drinks” are only Jose Cuervo
You’re bothering me _before_ I’ve had my morning Icelandic coffee??
I don’t always test in Production, but when I do, it is on Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend.
Can you smell what the Brent is cooking?
https://imgflip.com/i/5a1w00
https://imgflip.com/i/5a1z9j
I create all of the columns in all of my tables as NVARCHAR(MAX) because I did not want to have to change the column definition in the future if I needed to store more data.
“Whew! I sniffed something, but I don’t think that it is a parameter.”
“What the heck are you doing here? I came to Iceland to get away from you, dude!”
Shiver me timbers, o’zar dandy captions!
https://imgflip.com/i/5a1zq9
“Not sure if sulphur from volcano or kæstur hákarl”
https://imgflip.com/i/5a22gk
“I’m not saying it is the worst query I have ever seen but seriously, you need to take my class.”
https://imgflip.com/i/5a23ji
Midnight Sun? Aw man I thought you said Midnight Fun!
Why do I even bother?
You expect us to come back to the office after 15 months at home?
We’ve scheduled GroupBy 2021 on the same days as MS Build?
Next time it’s a Range Rover with heated seats
No, ask your questions on Pollgab and remember its ‘Your friend Says’
Uh. Sorry. Yeah. That was me.
In-person class where?
Im getting too old for this shit! Perhaps a career change…
“Hey Brent. Can you make my queries run slower? “
My friend made me do it.
Speaking of Code Smells
How much RAM did you say you have?
HA!
Breaking news: Brent joined Microsoft as a Junior Sale Advocate for SQL Server certificate program. As per required for the daily job, he will hold the sa password of the critical DB under this program.
NOSQLwhat?
Now, young Skywalker, you will die
I’m moving to Florida! F*** Iceland. Can’t imagine how normal person can live in the f****** Iceland.
Hahaha, we lived in South Beach for a couple of years. I loved it, but Erika hated it – the heat was bad, but the humidity was worse.
You think I have a lane…?
“You haven’t backed up your databases in over a year. Do you feel lucky today, PUNK?”
Or:
Substitute the first sentence with any other phrase with some high priority finding from the First Responder’s Kit, such as:
“EVERYONE on your server is a sysadmin!…”
“Your databases are set to Auto-Shrink…”
“Your sa password is ‘password’…”
“Your backups are stored on the same drive as your data files…”
The list is long.
You have a “Mission Critical” databases running your entire business on a bare metal server with 1 CPU, 8 GB of RAM running SQL 2005 Express?
client: Yup, we were wondering why it is so slow!
Brent: *see picture*
“Ohhh, NO NO NO NOLOCK again…”
“there used to be less Grey”
I’m Popeye the SQL Man
I’m Popeye the SQL Man.
I live in an Iceland can.
I teaches the SQLs
to all of my peoples.
I’m Popeye the SQL Man.
You’re using WITH (NOLOCK) in an UPDATE statement?!
How can I do a u-turn on gdpr without looking like an idiot?
I’ve found your profile on LinkedIn and you would be a great fit for this Junior T-SQL Developer position …
If you remove the NOLOCK hint, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you!!!
The notorious B.R.E.N.T.
15TB databases on HDDs and Standard Edition
In-memory XTP= Out of memory! Hmm, Can you please elaborate?
Do you call that a database?
“We don’t use foreing keys, those only makes errors on the app”.
-real comment from a costumer.
We have backups!, we make a full bare metal backup every day.
What do you mean test it?
Microsoft: We are adding a lot of new features to Live Query Statistics. They are still in alpha, but we are it sending to everyone with no option to turn it off. Don’t worry, you don’t need to download an upgrade. Good luck!
The face you make when someone wants to shrink your database
“We use NOLOCK for performance reasons.”
Say what? Troubleshoot your transactional replication issues?
https://imgflip.com/i/5a6w4j
Database… *SNIFF* You stink.
Y’all know that snow isn’t just on the ground in Iceland.
When you know that Clippy lies
I see a one disc, one thread thrashing legal SQL eater,
One disc, one thread crashing legal SQL eater,
One disc, one thread trashing legal SQL eater,
Sure looks slow to me!
Brent hears the bad news he won’t be able to do his cameo appearance in Eurovision with the band ‘Daði og Gagnamagnið’ he had been practicing so hard with as one of the band has tested positive for COVID.
“Very funny. I asked for a backup tape. What you handed me is a cleaning tape”
Newly promoted DBA : “Have you checked missing index recommendations YET?”
Grumpy Cat Moves to Iceland
Brent Ozar debuts new training class “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
Using maintenance plans, what year is this!?
“You mean I didn’t have to copy the data out, drop the table, create the table on the partition scheme, and load the data back in from a heap?!?”
“So you’re saying I can add the same constraint over and over again if I don’t give the constraint a name?!?”
“What my cartoon would look like on https://training.brentozar.com/ if I didn’t have my coffee!”
Most people’s reaction to “Get it? Query? … Was that too easy? We’ll work on the puns”
sp_IcelandicWeather @BringThePain = 1
“You have one new message. Message one:”
“Hi, this is Jim with Absorb Learning Management Systems, and I’m calling to see if our product might be a good fit for your business.”
Doug – HAHAHA, oh, snap, ouch. That hurts.
“So let me get this straight … You’re ‘NOT’ and accidental DBA ??”
Damn, I thought I got rid of them up here in Iceland!
It’s so cold over here in Iceland… I have a permanent, new, resting b**** face!
“…but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
If you let my database go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill your SPIDs.”
“We’ve decided to rebuild all indexes and do statistics update daily”
“Hey Brent…isn’t your blog a simplified version of BOL?!”
I ate so much today and can’t pronounce SQL anymore! 🙂
My friend Brent Ozar said that NOLOCK solves most performance and locking issues.
“We already explained to you this is a failover cluster instance, so *how* could the index be non-clustered?”
This code runs? In production?!
Your parameters disgust me
A wet bird never flies at night.
Brent’s face after the following interaction
*on-call phone rings at 3am*
Groggy Brent: Hello, this is Brent
On-call phone: Hello…
*5 seconds of silence*
Irritated Brent: Hello, this is Brent, can you hear me? What is the issue?
On-call phone: I’m calling about your car’s extended warra-
*Brent hangs up, says a few choice words, and grabs the whiskey*
“No Brent, its you that understand. I don’t want training I just need you to fix this one thing for me”
Constipation is just like a system process on which you have no control. Neither it gets released, nor it gets killed. N that’s how you look like when you have either of these.
? Pardon me everyone for the words ?
Yeah maybe it’s not so bad. Only 1433 days till I retire
Yea, I’m not that old. There are lots of things older than me. Like rocks.
Brent Ozar gave my indexes the stinkeye, time to tear it all down and redesign.
https://imgflip.com/i/5agfa8
GET ORF MY VOLCANO!!!
What do you mean you didn’t read the prerequisites before class!!!
“What do you mean all the snow and ice is in Greenland…”
user: No output, this is a healty system
Brent: did you run use DBName?
User: I was on master
Bret: Send the image
Don’t Bloody Ask!!!
Huh? You trying an oracle impdp within an sqlcmd line?
Large Marge sent me.
I should never have pulled the trigger on buying that Red Ryder BB gin.
Gun, even. Or maybe autocorrect knew I was posting a reply to Brent…
I laughed out loud when I read the typo version, hahaha. That needs to be a thing.
SQL ???? ?????? great ?? !
SQL Guru , tussi great ho !
Brent upon discovering his new accommodation comes WITH NOLOCK.
Hey Brent! Ask me for directions
Oopss..
Huh, You still using Sql Server 6.5 ?
Hey,
i will give a chance ?
Thank you Brent for all your work.
Best regards,
https://imgflip.com/i/5akj6f
I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me how to fine tune this SQL, or I’ll…DROP TABLE STUDENTS
I will give a second shot
https://imgflip.com/i/5aklsk
Master DBA?