Contest: My Favorite Caption Wins a Live Class Season Pass

Company News, Humor

Update 2021-05-24: the contest is over, and the winners are here.

Let’s have a few laughs this week. In the comments, write a caption for this:

Brent Ozar is Disappointed



  • To submit your caption, leave a comment with your caption here ( before Sunday, May 23, 2021.
  • You can enter multiple times – either with multiple comments, or multiple captions in the same comment.
  • The winners will be chosen by me, Brent Ozar, judged using completely unreliable and unpredictable methods. Winners will be announced within one week of the contest closing.
  • If multiple people submit the same caption, the winner will be the first one.
  • Taxes are the responsibility of the winners.

When you comment, I would highly recommend not subscribing to the comments unless you’re prepared for an avalanche of caption emails, hahaha. (Me, I get the notifications – but I don’t mind having a few laughs along the way, heh.)

Update: you can also use this meme generator.

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  • John McCormick
    May 17, 2021 7:37 am

    Did I remember to turn the lava lamp off?

  • No, no… I said “Stack Overflow”


    -That’s the face that Brent makes when he reads such a comment…:D

  • SELECT b.MyMood
    FROM Brent.InIceland b
    WHERE Time = 1AM
    AND Temperature = 32°F

  • maksimbondarenko
    May 17, 2021 7:48 am

    “Instance problems sniffer”
    “Unpredictable snooper”

  • Andrew Pirie
    May 17, 2021 7:51 am

    I suspect this may be a little too predictable, but here’s my entry:

    Brent Ozar, after spending an hour in a high-traffic public tempdb in Iceland.

  • Yes I know you’re cheap … you’re here … on my free training YouTube video … instead of paying for one of my classes!

  • Dave Dustin
    May 17, 2021 7:54 am

    You want to do *what* in a trigger?

  • Timur Khadimullin
    May 17, 2021 7:56 am

    “Sniffing your parameters so you don’t have to!”

  • Daniel Hutmacher
    May 17, 2021 7:59 am

    ”I’ve killed spids and dreams. I’ve killed everything that ever seeked or scanned at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you, Clippy, for what you done to my table.”

  • Sorin Istrate
    May 17, 2021 7:59 am

    While you think on this, let me have a sip of my tasty beverage … yuck !

  • Becky Boardman
    May 17, 2021 8:04 am

    When you get called to help deal with database corruption and find out they haven’t been backing up their mission critical database

  • I have already added this column in include list. Why isn’t it showing seek yet?

  • talha.mehboob-1201
    May 17, 2021 8:07 am

    When some client tells brent “……I deleted all records unfortunately and I did not take the backup of db……”

  • Shane Grimes
    May 17, 2021 8:07 am

    “So I have this report which is running really slowly. I’ve added the brilliant nolock option and indexed all the things. But I still get users complaining it’s to slow, and management won’t let me upgrade the production server (aka: my old laptop from 10 years ago)

    I know you’re on holiday, but would you mind looking at this for free real quick?
    Btw, I need it fixed by 3pm”

    – Ah, bugger. I think Brent has crashed.

  • Timur Khadimullin
    May 17, 2021 8:11 am

    One more and I’ll leave it be for a while 🙂

    “Try AWS Glue they said…”

  • “No Brent, you are not supposed to snort the Whiskey.”

    “They eat pickled WHAT? here”

  • “Don’t worry I used NOLOCK”

  • Jesús Chamizo
    May 17, 2021 8:21 am

    Microsoft is working in a new Azure Data Studio version! ?

  • Taqveem Khalid
    May 17, 2021 8:24 am

    Hi Trent, I’ve heard you’re like a horse whisperer for databases, can you talk to my database?

  • Drew Furgiuele
    May 17, 2021 8:29 am

    “… I trusted a fart.”

    • Drew Cranmer
      May 17, 2021 1:51 pm

      Brent’s face after sniffing some really nasty parameters.

      • Drew Furgiuele
        May 17, 2021 5:20 pm

        Wait, are we in some kind of weird Drew-based recursion loop?


  • Anurag Taneja
    May 17, 2021 8:47 am

    You received email saying there’s performance issue however upon checking you found out there was just open session from the query window.


  • Elvis Talic
    May 17, 2021 8:49 am

    Brent, can you fix my Excel database?

  • You say it’s your friend that’s asking the really stupid question ……….. really!!

  • “And then he said ‘All I did was put a MERGE in a scale user defined function…'”

  • Paw Jershauge
    May 17, 2021 9:12 am

    So Brent, you have submitted 45 bugs and other issues about the SQL Server to the support team, And we decided that; we won’t fix…

  • Paw Jershauge
    May 17, 2021 9:18 am

    “and so, we decided to turn off, all statistics on the server… man that helped…”

  • Paw Jershauge
    May 17, 2021 9:20 am

    I like AdventureWorks, and so does Clippy…

  • I could not use my fav:

    BRENT O.: I don’t know your login. I don’t know your SPID. If you are doing heap scan, I can tell you: do not, as I do not have nerves for this. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you terminate your session now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I create clustered index for you.

    Random inexperienced MSSQL user: [after a long pause] Good luck.

  • Matt chandler
    May 17, 2021 9:27 am

    background: I used to have to install sql server on everyone’s computer even if they had no idea what it was.

    me in a monotone lumberg voice: I’m here to install sql server on your laptop.

    new employee: secret service!!?? oh no! what did i do??!!

    never again, never forget.

  • Jimmy Nilsson
    May 17, 2021 9:27 am

    I look like a Swede with “snus” under my lip and my wife refuses to kiss me 😉

  • Elliot Howes
    May 17, 2021 9:39 am

    And first place in the ‘post Covid swab test expression goes to….’

  • Darren Turrell
    May 17, 2021 9:44 am

    Looking into the future to see when Microsoft will reduce prices for Azure SQL server.

  • Brent enjoying the geothermally heated hot water around Reykjavik.

  • Brent after customer explained: Clippy recommended this index!

  • That moment when you realise that you’ve just run DropIndexes on production.

  • We shrink our databases once a day to keep indexes as small as possible.
    Smaller indexes mean faster queries, right?

  • Did I just hear you tell your manager that you write your backups to ‘NUL’ because it’s quicker?

  • Brent finding an abstract for an upcoming conference session: SQL Server’s Universal Query: SELECT * with (NOLOCK)!

  • Denis Trunin (@TruninDenis)
    May 17, 2021 10:50 am

    1.Am I understand it correctly – you want me to fix your SQL 2008 performance that runs on a 16GB box for free just as a test?
    2.Brent reading about SQL Azure new AI service that supposed to automatically fix any performance problem by running reindex tasks

  • Go ahead punk, Make my day

  • Brent’s new parameter sniffing technique proved to be his most controversial to date.

  • What do you mean you’ve run out of coffee and alcohol?

  • Forgetting to say “My friend said…” when providing and invalid solution.

  • The look you get after Brent reads SQL Server CU release notes.

  • Brent holding in a sneeze

  • “Azure will solve all my problems right?” – client

    • When you getting coffee but realize you forgot to load the coffeemaker with coffee.
      Between waking up and coffee in the morning.

  • maksimbondarenko
    May 17, 2021 11:13 am

    You must buy a new NVMe SSD for doing master courses labs at home

  • What’s that burning smell coming from your server? Ah, a heap table.

  • “Of all the things wrong in SQL Server, you chose to complain about the lack of dark theme in SSMS?!”

  • Shaun Simon
    May 17, 2021 11:25 am

    I CHECKDB the secondary, it’s the same thing.

    I know it’s fast, I re-index every night.

    It’s as fast as it can be, I created all the recommended indexes.

    • Scott McFadden
      May 21, 2021 12:18 pm

      Asked clippy for a dirty read and he gave me “50 shades of nolock” ?

  • Shaun Simon
    May 17, 2021 11:26 am

    I CHECKDB the secondary, it’s the same thing.

    I know it’s fast, I re-index every night.

  • Reitse Eskens
    May 17, 2021 11:26 am

    Hi Brent, I’ve got an issue with my database. Can you fix this now?

  • Consultant’s reaction to the client saying they are on SQL Server 2008 R2 version.

  • Marek Grzymala
    May 17, 2021 11:38 am

    “One does not simply DBCC SHRINKFILE on production”

  • Live footage from Reykjavik as the legal team representing Mr. C. Lippy formally issue defamation of character papers against Mr. B. Ozar as the ‘SQL Server Tuning Wars’ reaches a new low.

  • Those times when you are outside and in need of a 10 minute bio break.

  • Big firm Client for Brent Ozar firm to help them fix a burning server. Brent’s reaction after running sp_blitz – Last full backup on all user databases was almost a year back.

  • Jiri Dolezal
    May 17, 2021 11:51 am

    I’ll get you for stupid no-my-friend-said questions!

  • Join? Trigger? Index? Oh…I’ve seen things. Things that scare children and make under-trained DBAs cry. The sound still haunts me….

  • “Adding up the operator % in a live query plan”

  • Did I use the right where-clause in my last update?

  • mark robinson
    May 17, 2021 12:15 pm

    Repeat that again, you said you have no foreign keys on your database?

  • This damn sulphur!

    • I tell you what, the sulphur smell isn’t as bad as the manure fertilizer. It’s spring, and the farmers are springin’ a terrible surprise on me.

      • maksimbondarenko
        May 18, 2021 7:00 am

        Have you tried Surstömming? This delicious herring smells like a frowers field.

  • Release the hounds.

  • Garry Bargsley
    May 17, 2021 12:26 pm

    “The Business” has approved the Friday deployment for 5:00pm.

  • I love the smell of unused indexes in the morning.

  • “Whaaaat? How on earth did this guy successfully manage to run select * from * ?!!!”

  • My face when … I try Clippy index suggestion

  • Ashenafi Mulat
    May 17, 2021 12:40 pm

    The Before and After face of a sick SQL Server that got good performance tuning.

  • Rob Priestley
    May 17, 2021 12:42 pm

    Hi Brent, I have this DTS package. . . . . . .

  • Eric Russell
    May 17, 2021 12:43 pm

    “I don’t know how you got my home address – but get off my lawn and post that question in StackOverflow.”

  • Well, well, well. Little Bobby Tables. All grown up. Looks like we meet again.

  • Søren Laursen
    May 17, 2021 12:50 pm

    You trying to pronounce Klofalækjarkjaftur

  • “So, I opened MSAccess and it does not ….”

  • Dude, using a cursor to go through and rebuild all your indexes on a daily basis, really???

  • Can you help me move?

  • OMG!! Again same smell, don’t know when spring will get over.

    • The face you make when management says moving to the cloud is going to save so much money.

  • “A Fistful of Querybucks”

  • Brent, *sigh*, you broke the build…again.

  • matthew.cargile
    May 17, 2021 1:30 pm

    Your “friend” said that about SQL Server…eh?

    Your “friend” said WHAT about SQL Server?

  • James McGillivray
    May 17, 2021 1:33 pm

    LinkedIn Message:
    “Dear Brent
    In these uncertain times, the only certainty is that the role of the DBA is becoming obsolete. Protect your future today, and enrol in NoSQL for beginners.”
    Brent: ?

  • You want to talk to me about SQL 2010 CU 10?

  • Robert Eder
    May 17, 2021 1:42 pm

    Ah, the horse manure on a great Icelandic day!

  • Pramoda Nahak
    May 17, 2021 1:48 pm

    Someone asked me to stay out of SQL server and start teaching other SQL databases

  • Always include all columns of the table in the NC indexes, no more lookups and high speed!

  • We’re considering a SQL Server consultant. To help us evaluate your service, can you first fix our production performance bottlenecks?

  • Chad Callihan
    May 17, 2021 1:49 pm

    “No, I haven’t read the documentation…”

  • Chase Cottle
    May 17, 2021 1:50 pm

    “It ran ok on my machine.”

  • RAIDs? Dont need it, have checksum enabled!

  • I need my sysadmin not to have sysadmin rights, for security reasons!

  • Dont need a DBA, just upgrade the hardware and the problem will be gone!

  • Aakash Patel
    May 17, 2021 1:55 pm

    SQL Server InterNULLs

  • charisse.garcia
    May 17, 2021 1:56 pm

    when you’re too sexy and you know it!

  • Chase Cottle
    May 17, 2021 1:56 pm

    It’s fine. I read online you can run any query in production as long as you add (no lock).

  • The face that Brent makes when he takes a large dump………. file for analysis after a crash!

  • Richard Armstrong-Finnerty
    May 17, 2021 2:03 pm

    “So, you watched the ‘How to Think Like the Engine’ video? Really? I DON’T THINK SO, CHIEF!!!!!”

  • Paul Williams
    May 17, 2021 2:05 pm


  • Stephen Green
    May 17, 2021 2:08 pm

    I can make your SQL Server run fast. But my BM’s at this age, not so much.

  • I sneer at you from my Icelandic paradise… your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries… oh, and you write poorly-performing SQL too…

  • Peter Schmitz
    May 17, 2021 2:25 pm

    The face when Stack Overflow announces they are bringing in Fabian Pascal to assist with their databases.

  • Microsoft’s newest CU release notes: “bug fixes and performance improvements”

  • Brent reads a widely shared SQL “best practice” comment:

    ‘Always use “SELECT *…” to ensure future backward compatibility for your DAOs w/o having to re-write your queries’

  • Erika tells Brent it’s either her or Helmet…

  • Emil Assily
    May 17, 2021 2:38 pm

    Ernest Shinks the Database

  • When a person who #askbrent not willing to #paybrent

  • Whenever a person asks Brent why he runs sp_Blitz before sp_BlitzFirst.

  • The face only a DBA could love.

  • “You did WHAT with your indexes!?!“ – Brent, probably

  • Colin K. Gavin
    May 17, 2021 2:57 pm

    What’s done is done. Now, I’m open to suggestions on how we should word our response, but I definitely think we should leave out the words, “unauthorized change.’

  • They only use lowercase to keep their databases small.

  • You miss 100% of the [snaps]shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky
    – Michael Scott
    – Brent Ozar

  • Cyndi Johnson
    May 17, 2021 3:01 pm

    Please hold. I drank too much wine and I’m undergoing a page split.

  • You did what to your SQL Server and want ME To fix it?

  • The moment Brent hears that the EU are releasing new GDPR regulations.

  • Steve Barnes
    May 17, 2021 3:26 pm

    “Once again, I’m asking for your support…. In tuning your indexes.”

  • Dang it! Every time I ride shotgun in the Land Rover in Iceland, I get STUCK admiring the scenery with the window down!

  • It depends

  • “Brent who?”

  • Ryan McKnight
    May 17, 2021 3:52 pm

    Can you Smelelelelelelellelelelelelllll what the Data Base… is… cooking….?

  • Ronald Dameron
    May 17, 2021 4:01 pm

    Powershell? Why the f*** would I use that?

  • Wesley Crockett
    May 17, 2021 4:11 pm

    “Brent’s first OnlyFans post.”

  • “Um, was I the only one to eat the Fish Surprise?”

  • Andy Leonard
    May 17, 2021 4:12 pm

    ‘You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?’ :{>

  • I thought I smelled a nested cursor in there somewhere.

  • Did that smell come from me, or someone else? If it’s me, way too go – so much body and full of flavour….hmmm. Wait….. what If it’s someone else? I bet it was you….you sat over there smiling to yourself…looking happy….I know it was you,…you absolutely DISGUST me!!!!!!

  • Beatriz Isabelle
    May 17, 2021 4:13 pm

    Damm…what ever happened to that Jelly Belly chick. I could use some popcorn beans right about now. 🙂

  • Christine Smith
    May 17, 2021 4:15 pm

    The consultant said moving to the cloud would solve everything!

  • What the heck, this attendee is asking me an Oracle question in a SQL Server class ?

  • Arthur Coutinho Dos Santos
    May 17, 2021 4:16 pm

    Nothing like the smell of parameter sniffing in the morning!

  • Greg Burnett
    May 17, 2021 4:16 pm

    The look when you see a busload of tourists have arrived at the Blue Lagoon just before you.

  • Douglas E Osborne
    May 17, 2021 4:16 pm

    “And you expect a different result with MAXDOP = 1?”

  • You bought SQL Server 2014 Enterprise Licenses on… eBay!?

  • please, pull my finger, it hurts

  • “I could talk about normalization and men’s fashion all day but I’m afraid work must intrude…”

  • Jose Goncalves
    May 17, 2021 4:18 pm

    When someone’s ask you a free season pass…

  • I spy with my little eye, a SQL plan gone quite awry.

  • Parameter Sniffing!
    When you can not use the option recompile.

  • Alex Emelianov
    May 17, 2021 4:21 pm

    Morning eruption 🙂

  • Peter Chenoweth
    May 17, 2021 4:21 pm

    “I knew tempDB was a public toilet but this is ridiculous.”
    “I’ve set up a job to toggle the recovery mode and run DBCC_SHRINKDATABASE every day so we never have to worry about database growth again.”

  • Who called asking me for help recovering data from SQL Server 2000?

  • Should I be running sp_BlitzFirst…first?

  • Do you even SQL, bro?

  • Thom Holderman
    May 17, 2021 4:23 pm

    Oh I’m sniffing, but parameters aren’t the issue

  • You did WHAT to Helmut?

  • “My face when I see a 6 column table with 15 indexes on it”

  • My lead DBA did what?

    • What, want me to restore 10TB database just to recover a single record?

  • haha, will have to blame someone else for this one! 🙂

  • “Brent Ozar, after being told a ‘friend’ suggested scheduled database shrinking.”

    “Brent Ozar, after SQL Server offers an estimated row count.”

  • Francisco Goldenstein
    May 17, 2021 4:25 pm

    When someone tells you he relies on the percentages of the execution plans

  • jeffrey.biesecker
    May 17, 2021 4:25 pm

    Please be careful, this can happen to you when you get to close to an active volcano.

  • Kevin McDonnell
    May 17, 2021 4:25 pm

    Can I just take Mastering Index Tuning before Fundamentals of Index Tuning?
    Brent, how would you feel if I said I hated Iceland?
    Can I borrow the keys to the Porshe? I’ll be right back I promise!

  • Jason Willis
    May 17, 2021 4:26 pm

    do it, DO IT NOW

  • Oops ! I just dropped a live DB

  • Whatchu talkin about, Clippy?

  • “Hey Brent, what is your beef with ‘ SELECT * ‘, because it always delivers what the customer wants? Asking for a friend.”

  • shawn mason
    May 17, 2021 4:31 pm

    “With a rebel yell, she cried, ‘more, more, more'”.

  • John Ballentine
    May 17, 2021 4:31 pm

    (from real life, unfortunately) Right after the question is asked “So, what version of Oracle are we running on SQL Server?”

  • “Go ahead, developer, make my day.”

  • stephane champoussin
    May 17, 2021 4:32 pm

    Brett, why don’t you just use With recompile everywhere instead of wasting your time rewriting all these damn queries ?

  • I hate it when people come to me before reading the documentation.

  • When you see your first sunlight after six months in Iceland

  • Whaddya mean my Icelandic accent sucks? Farðu að sjúga egg!

  • Hold my beer…
    You want your query to join that billion row table to a UDF function and have a query result in less than 2 seconds…

  • * Psyllium husk fiber capsules kick in. *

  • Don’t worry, we had the last guy put NOLOCK on every stored proc.

  • Staring down the Polar Bear.

  • Client: Hey Brent, need your help to fix performance issue on my Production server having 4GB of RAM.

    Brent: just take my laptop and run Sql on it. Lol

  • The face Brent makes when restoring a database waiting the 5 minutes all the while the restoration window reads 100%.

  • scott.evans
    May 17, 2021 4:37 pm

    “Could you go over that part again, I had to step away from my computer for the past hour.”

  • Justin Hoffmann
    May 17, 2021 4:39 pm

    Smellevision Replaces Television!

  • Norseman’s smile,
    Brent’s gone native.

  • scott.evans
    May 17, 2021 4:42 pm

    “We’re paying you to make this faster, what do you mean you need to change code or indexes, you know that’s not allowed here. Just make it faster like you said you could.”

  • stephane champoussin
    May 17, 2021 4:43 pm

    Brent, stop spreading the wrong information, DBCC checks are simply a worthless use of server cpu cycles, stop doing them.

  • Douglas Riga
    May 17, 2021 4:44 pm

    And you call that adequate cumulative update documentation…

  • Infrastructure Team: “We went ahead and installed our state-of-the-art data center in the basement right beneath that indoor, 4-story waterfall you saw on the way in. Pretty sure we’ve thought of everything but can you help us brainstorm anything we might have overlooked?”

    Brent: …

  • Said in a pirate voice…
    “Arr…, I should a worn me pants!”

  • I tested in prod

  • In an alternate universe, Brent wonders if he should have gone into systems instead of house painting.

  • Whadya’ mean you don’t have backups?

  • Brent in his best clippy voice “Do you feel lucky, punk? Well… do you?”

  • Is it Index Rebuild or Reorganize??

  • I’m just commenting so I can unsubscribe to the comments because I was not prepared for an avalanche of caption emails, hahaha.

  • Upon hearing “I have a nightly job to shrink all our databases to keep things tidy”.

  • Peter Neilson
    May 17, 2021 4:53 pm

    “I can smell your house from here”

  • But it worked fine on my laptop! (facepalm)

  • Bogdan Bogdanov
    May 17, 2021 4:54 pm

    During the free web cast I asked for the 10th time Brent can he look at my very specific query and advice me for free!
    So this is the face, before reminds me that there are Consulting page in his site!

    Second one is:
    SQL Driver ask me – “Are you talking to me!”

  • SSMS is bringing the ‘debugger’ back???

  • Noda Lorand
    May 17, 2021 4:55 pm

    Hehe probably you just “Left” the NoSQL bar because no one would let you to join a table.

  • NOLOCK hint? Fair warned, be ye, says I. Yar …

  • stephane champoussin
    May 17, 2021 4:58 pm

    no more sql tuning in sql server 2019, everything runs fast magically.

  • Marinus Deheij
    May 17, 2021 4:59 pm

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

  • danielle.paquette-harvey
    May 17, 2021 4:59 pm

    Inserts a million rows into a table variable.

    “Brent – Hey SQL how many rows do you think are going to return?
    SQL – 1”

  • Yaniv Harpaz
    May 17, 2021 4:59 pm

    Trying to think how to say “My friend said…” in Icelandic lang

  • Parameter Sniffing!
    When you can not use option recompile!

  • ” How can I ‘be cool honey bunny’ when you keep insulting Integers? “

  • David Lafayette
    May 17, 2021 5:01 pm

    It’s called “Hákarl”?

  • I’ll tell ye a tale ta’ make your gizzard curl.

  • Nah.. it won’t get full because we truncate the log every 5 minutes.

  • Noda Lorand
    May 17, 2021 5:03 pm

    Yeah I can help you out easily with that quey!
    Then pucture from 5 hours later :p

  • Vladimir Leshchenko
    May 17, 2021 5:03 pm

    “No dark nights for good night sleep” season is already here?

  • Saket Mittal
    May 17, 2021 5:04 pm

    Covid – 19 is over ….

  • What. The. Heckaton, man …

  • Dave Schopp
    May 17, 2021 5:04 pm

    ICELAND?? I thought you said “Graceland!”

    Was that YOU, or the sulphur geysers?

  • Daniel Lopez
    May 17, 2021 5:04 pm

    Your friend said that … YOU were the one who asked the question …

  • Look on Brent’s face when a commenter offers to help him with his SQL…

  • Brendan James O'Connor
    May 17, 2021 5:04 pm

    This picture was brought to you by the Icelandic Tourist Board.

  • If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were just trying to turn your server into a space heater…

  • So, how much time would say you spend coming up with TrumpDBA tweets?

  • ugh…Oracle for dinner again?

  • When you are out in public in urgent need of a 10 minute bio break but the only toilet you can find is TempDB.

  • Johannes Vink
    May 17, 2021 5:08 pm

    “What? Erika still loves me despite my public appearances?”

  • Where’s my eye patch? A stupid Gyrfalcon escaped from Húsdýragarðurinn and tried to take me out.

  • Walked in a NoSQL Bar and couldn’t find a table!

  • SQL server remove all indexes when restarted. So we have no control over that.

  • Ladies and Gentlemen your attention please; In tonight’s performance of a “A fist full of dollars the musical” the part of Joe will be played by Brent Ozar.

  • Charlie Arehart
    May 17, 2021 5:14 pm

    When Clippy says: “I’d recommend you pivot the house by 45% to help with that mold problem.”

  • will.stillwell
    May 17, 2021 5:14 pm

    I know this is the free Fundamentals of Database Administration but I’ve got this stored proc that causes deadlocks all the time can we trouble shoot this stored proc here in class?

  • Pat Paulson
    May 17, 2021 5:14 pm

    You work with computers, right? Can you fix my (laptop) (printer) (cable TV) (cell phone) (car entertainment system) (TV set) (cat)?

  • Me: Since you’re still going to be tied up teaching this Live Masters class for the next five hours, can I borrow the Porsche?

    Brent: …

    Me: Ummmm. Uhhhh, I’m asking for a friend?

  • Carlos Cuevas
    May 17, 2021 5:17 pm

    Brent listening a client with a proudly voice: “I’m sure it is not an index problem! We create all Sql Server recommended indexes every week, and even have a job running every 6 hours for rebuilding all indexes online with a 85% fill factor. It can’t possibly be an index problem.”

  • Karl Zeutzius
    May 17, 2021 5:18 pm

    “Fine! I won’t put ‘IDX’ in front of my index names again! Happy now?!?”

  • “There’s a limit on how much Clase Azul I can import before I have to get an import license!?!?!”

  • Brian Jones
    May 17, 2021 5:20 pm

    I’m not crying… I just got a little SQL in my eye!

  • Jeff Willett
    May 17, 2021 5:24 pm

    Did you actually read the documentation?

  • Clifton Dunaway
    May 17, 2021 5:24 pm

    Brr, then the fanniff, it’s cold enough already!

  • And you call yourself a well-documented database!

  • will.stillwell
    May 17, 2021 5:28 pm

    Whoa… Do farts have lumps?

  • Robin Wilson
    May 17, 2021 5:28 pm

    Now the pubs have re-opened, don’t be thinking you can have a socially distanced drink with me to help you sanitise your dirty database queries.

  • Jeff Willett
    May 17, 2021 5:28 pm

    ‘I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!’

  • Andrew Peterson
    May 17, 2021 5:30 pm

    One of those fricking Icelandic Puffins just pooped on my Jag.

  • In the true spirit of making Brent a meme :

  • Brent: How’s that restore from Azure cold storage directly to on-prem progressing?
    Azure: Five minutes, Turkish.
    Brent: It was two minutes five minutes ago!

  • Ryan Malcom
    May 17, 2021 5:35 pm

    “Enjoy yer Sunday, wickie. It’s back te work tomorrow.”

  • Brent after reading a question from a user that was clearly addressed in the article above…

  • Zach Sherwin
    May 17, 2021 5:36 pm

    I propose this code in its entirety being stamped over the picture:

    create function
    (@val1 int, val2 int)
    RETURNS bit
    DECLARE @bit =0
    if @val1 = @val2
    set @bit = 1
    return @bit
    set @bit = 0
    return @bit

  • Brent — What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

  • “You thought my name was Erik?”

  • I forgot all the smells I missed out on by wearing my mask

  • “I yam what I yam an tha’s all I yam” – Popeye the Scaler Function man

  • Hadley_Gallo
    May 17, 2021 5:43 pm

    1.) The name is Ozar, Brent Ozar: Killer of Dreams
    2.) Can you smeeeeelllllllll what the Ozar is cooking!?!?
    3.) Listen. Do you smell something? Cracking down on Parameter sniffing since 1850 (LOL! Just kidding!)
    4.) Go ahead SQL…make my day!!!
    5.) You want the truth about SQL!? You can’t handle the truth!!!
    6.) Sweet Potato! Do you smell that!?

  • Tom Uellner
    May 17, 2021 5:49 pm

    COUNT(*) AS OmgAreYouSerious
    FROM sys.sql_modules AS s
    WHERE s.definition LIKE ‘%NOLOCK%’;


  • Wait your entire company credit card processing database is in SQL 7 on a Windows NT server?

  • “Arr, Matey. It don’t pay to look up when the Puffins be flyin’ overhead.”

  • Standa Zitta
    May 17, 2021 5:53 pm

    To me, this face says: I know what you did to the poor SQL server and you should be ashamed of yourself.

  • Postgresql!, We don’t need no stinking Postgresql!

  • Brent: “Is the volcano erupting again or did Paul just walk by?” Paul: “That depends.”

  • Sai Kishore
    May 17, 2021 5:58 pm

    I’m I sniffing a different parameter

  • “When I realize the hottest month in Iceland has 57F (14C)”

  • Hadley_Gallo
    May 17, 2021 6:02 pm

    7.) The Look when then Elephant has been in the room too long
    8.) The look SQL Server gives Clippy when he’s given another Ridiculous Recommendation

  • Gene Martin
    May 17, 2021 6:07 pm

    This is the FACE SQL Server makes when he says “don’t worry, I got this” when he usually don’t got this.

  • “You should switch to Oracle.”

  • Andrew Boggs
    May 17, 2021 6:08 pm

    Oh you want help with your specific problem in the middle of this webinar that hundreds of people are attending?

  • Jonathan Cox
    May 17, 2021 6:09 pm

    The Face You Make When You Start A Caption Contest.

  • Hadley_Gallo
    May 17, 2021 6:09 pm

    9.) This is how your face permanently freezes when you live in the Icy land of the Midnight Sun.

  • Hang on… need to generate a SQL dump file..

  • gabriele d'onufrio
    May 17, 2021 6:12 pm

    My old Indian friend Ehatever thinks that charm is not necessarily beauty. Ps don’t want to be mean ?
    Or : the face you show after a student recognise you and wants to talk ?

  • gabriele d'onufrio
    May 17, 2021 6:13 pm

    My old Indian friend Ehatever thinks that charm is not necessarily beauty. Ps don’t want to be mean ?
    Or : the face you show after a student recognise you and wants to talk ?

  • Stephen Russell
    May 17, 2021 6:13 pm

    With NoLock you say?????

  • Bev Patterson
    May 17, 2021 6:14 pm

    Hey! I know you! You’re Brett Ozark, right?

  • Chris Harshman
    May 17, 2021 6:15 pm

    Brent after hearing the customer say “oh we always store all our dates as NCHAR(10) so we don’t have to worry about converting them later”

    or “We heard that storing NULLs in the database was bad, so we store the actual word ‘NULL’ to represent unknown values”

  • Prod is SQL 6.5 version.

  • Developer: “Why can’t you restore just one table?”


  • You what because Clippy told you?

  • gabriele d'onufrio
    May 17, 2021 6:16 pm


  • Micah Nikkel
    May 17, 2021 6:17 pm

    “Did you just say your performance problems started around the time you enabled AUTO_SHRINK on your 5TB Production database?”

  • Brent Ozar video watcher: “I’ll just post my question wherever I want. Forget Polgab”


  • Wanderlei Santos
    May 17, 2021 6:17 pm

    I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you

  • Would you just do a quickie system DB restore for me? Thanks.

  • You really made a stored procedure that runs a cursor for the whole table that runs multiple scalar user defined functions?

  • gabriele d'onufrio
    May 17, 2021 6:26 pm

    Microsoft will never separate the installation of Sql Management Studio and Azure data studio.

  • Richard Wells
    May 17, 2021 6:30 pm

    Merge Replication

  • Robert Sievers
    May 17, 2021 6:32 pm

    Time to pressure wash my house.

  • To Sql server from all DBA’s

  • Kelly Meade
    May 17, 2021 6:35 pm

    “I heard you know about databases. I have business critical application built in MS Access…”

  • Drew Cranmer
    May 17, 2021 6:36 pm

    Brent defragging his stomach after all that Icelandic cuisine.

  • Fernando Eggert
    May 17, 2021 6:38 pm

    Upvote my request for nvarchar(max) clustered index key.

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 6:39 pm

    ReadUncommitted means never having to admit to NOLOCK

  • “People tell me I’m condescending…”

    Leans in real close

    “That means I talk down to people. “

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 6:44 pm

    Brent hearing his native dog going “Bjork Bjork”

  • Fernando Eggert
    May 17, 2021 6:45 pm

    Q: Do you know the difference between DBA and God?
    A: God doesn’t think he is DBA.

  • Kim Crosser
    May 17, 2021 6:46 pm

    I put an index on every column, but my system still runs slow. What’s wrong?

  • Kim Crosser
    May 17, 2021 6:49 pm

    Did you just put a scalar function in your where clause?

  • -NO! I cannot optimize your Excel database!

    -People say I’m apathetic, but I don’t care!

    -Oh… Do I have an insert statement for you!

  • Matt Miller
    May 17, 2021 6:57 pm

    “ARR-bar? It’s pronounced “REE-bar!”

  • Brent thinking : “Why don’t he just try it instead of asking this kind of question on the forum?”

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 6:58 pm

    Brent learning Batman in Icelandic is Leðurblökumaðurinn

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 7:06 pm

    Brent learning global warming means that soon it’ll just be called “Land”

  • I’m not worried about page splits, all my indexes have fillfactor 50

  • Anthony Henley
    May 17, 2021 7:09 pm

    Triggers? We don’t need no stinkin’ triggers

  • Stephen Moore
    May 17, 2021 7:09 pm

    When SELECT SERVERPROPERTY(‘ProductVerision’), SERVERPROPERTY(‘ServerName’) returns 6.5 and Production.

  • Paul Swanberg
    May 17, 2021 7:20 pm


  • Brent! Please do the needful.

  • Brian ODwyer
    May 17, 2021 7:24 pm

    I hate Mondays, that is when we have Hákarl for dinner!

  • Phil Edmonds
    May 17, 2021 7:25 pm

    Do you have a lisonce…. Are you blind?

  • Warren DeMars
    May 17, 2021 7:25 pm

    You rebooted what server?

  • Anthony Henley
    May 17, 2021 7:26 pm

    Batches, we don’t need no stinkin’ batches

  • Mark Dufault
    May 17, 2021 7:27 pm

    Wait, Whaaat!!

  • No, I cannot imaginær how a GDPR booth babe would look like!

  • Drew Cranmer
    May 17, 2021 7:35 pm

    Brent’s face when I say I’ll post the demo scripts later.

    May 17, 2021 7:36 pm

    I think these glasses could use a new index.

  • Backup? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 7:43 pm

    Learning the hard way that “Pandemic” is not a SQL Server isolation level

  • Daniel Olszewski
    May 17, 2021 7:45 pm

    If you talk as Sql server, you begin to look like Sql serwer.

  • Fernando Eggert
    May 17, 2021 7:47 pm

    Index tunning? Don’t worry, I have an automation that creates ALL indexes from missing index warnings, if the name already exists the script add an incremental number at the end of the index name. No missing indexes for me.

  • The face you make to the person asking you if you want an extended car warranty.

  • Fernando Eggert
    May 17, 2021 7:49 pm

    Parameter Sniffing problems? Don’t worry, I have a mantenance plan that updates all statistics every 10 minutes, SQL will always get the best query plan

  • I’m just going to try this on production…

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 7:58 pm

    Does this phone have a selfie filter that captures the real me?

  • Daniel Olszewski
    May 17, 2021 8:03 pm

    “Brent after hearing which SQL server version the client is using”

  • jane.fleming
    May 17, 2021 8:04 pm

    Brent sniffing a parameter.

  • The face you make when asked if you can you write a report, because people think DBA means Report Writer.

  • I wonder is a kick in the nads would be better than my next flight in coach.

  • Kevin Crisci
    May 17, 2021 8:09 pm

    We tried adding an index but;
    The operation failed because an index or statistics with name ” already exists on table

    May 17, 2021 8:14 pm

    Oracle, really Oracle??

  • Ewwww. Did you REALLY just eat that.

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:19 pm

    Day 37. The northern lights just won’t quit. Trying squinting.

    • HAHAHA, good to hear from you, sir. It was funny – we only saw them 4-5 times! We have really bad luck on those. But now that the constant sunlight is starting, hooowee…

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:20 pm

    If I pull my hoodie up will I look like Mr. Robot?

  • SQL Server used to let you do this…

    sp_configure ‘allow updates’, 1
    update dbo.sysobjects set…

    I’ve done this in production too :-0

  • Arrgh matey. To keep the ship from burning you must swab the poop deck!

  • After 18 months of hard work we finally have everything migrated to the cloud. Now you want to switch Cloud providers!

  • Kevin Crisci
    May 17, 2021 8:25 pm

    Should read:
    We tried adding an index but;
    The operation failed because an index or statistics with name “Name of Missing Index, sysname,” already exists on table

  • Daniel Hislop
    May 17, 2021 8:28 pm

    Your defrag job runs every hour?

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:28 pm

    People Magazine called – your “Sexiest Man Alive” submission did not break the top 100 for the 4th straight year.

  • Robert Gale
    May 17, 2021 8:28 pm

    Microsoft have fixed the query optimiser, rendering query tuning consultancy a thing of the past.

  • Michael Sosis
    May 17, 2021 8:29 pm

    I smell a rat…

  • Robert Gale
    May 17, 2021 8:30 pm

    GDPR is great!

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:34 pm

    Is it too late to switch to Oracle?

  • happy…birthday?

  • The reason why Masks are required!

  • Andrew Peterson
    May 17, 2021 8:41 pm

    They’re so old, their first Christmas was the first Christmas!

  • Kelley Prebil
    May 17, 2021 8:42 pm

    “Can we have your home phone number in case our system goes down over the weekend?”

    “Azure Auto Tuner is awesome! It does all the performance enhancements for us!”

    “How about offering some of the Master classes for free too?”

    “We do SAN backups instead of database backups. Is that a problem?”

    “You’re available for emergencies while you’re in Cabo, right?”

    “Let’s go for a run!”

    Erika: “I signed us up to backpack the whole Appalachian Trail. Pack your bags!”

    “Sorry sir, it appears that your penthouse reservation was canceled. We can only offer you a standard room with twin beds and no A/C.”

    “We’re all out of alcohol.”

  • Looking at the (not) well-documented steps needed to patch an *offline* install of Visual Studio 2017…

  • Michael Smith
    May 17, 2021 8:51 pm

    Do I look like I want to sniff any more of your parameters?

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:54 pm

    No, Polar Bear does NOT taste like chicken.

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 8:55 pm

    Erika! You left the cover off again! The neighbor kids are back in the hot tub.

  • Nathan Urban-Gedamke
    May 17, 2021 8:57 pm

    The face that launched Brent’s consulting career… (when he accidentally made it out loud in front of the CTO during a “feature” request meeting).

  • Shaun Austin
    May 17, 2021 8:57 pm

    Internet is down in Iceland so I’m going to teach y’all old-school style.

    Now…look carefully. My right eye is your current fillfactor. My left eye is what it should be.

  • “You did this ON purpose, didnt you?”

  • Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

  • Jason Sunde
    May 17, 2021 9:02 pm

    We want to put everything in Azure to lower our costs…

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:02 pm

    Ya think since we’re closer to the North Pole Santa could afford to be more generous

  • Grant Schulte
    May 17, 2021 9:04 pm

    Microsoft announces they will accept Bitcoin to pay to SQL Server Enterprise, and Dogecoin for Standard

  • Grant Schulte
    May 17, 2021 9:05 pm

    Microsoft plans to auction Clippy as an NFT

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:06 pm

    Trick or Treat? When did Halloween come to Iceland?

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:10 pm

    Say again how many guests we’re entertaining tonight?

  • FixingYourStuffDBA
    May 17, 2021 9:12 pm

    We installed mission critical database of 4TB on C drive on 4 CPU and 16GB RAM after “researching” on Google and queries are running way slower. We don’t have any budget to upgrade any resources till next year. Can you help us? Oh, and our budget for consulting is $100 max. I can check with my supervisor and may be able to bump it to $110. Let me know.

  • I’ve been working all night on this problem, but it hasnt got dark since may and its now September….

  • Life went downhill for Milhouse after leaving The Simpsons.

  • Gary Schultz
    May 17, 2021 9:23 pm

    We don’t worry about permissions, we just use sa.

  • “Got any whiskey?”

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:26 pm

    Why again do we need a solar rechargeable food slicer?

  • “Krona…?

    How much is that in query bucks?”

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:27 pm

    If I squint really hard I can see Greenland from my back yard

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:30 pm

    Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:34 pm

    Erika! Call the service guy. I can’t get the lawnmower started again.

  • Is that Microsoft Bob?

  • Bill Sanscrainte
    May 17, 2021 9:36 pm

    Neighbors keep blasting those Icelandic ballads. How do we make then stop?

  • Hangover face: What do Tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?

  • Uhhh….because I said so?

  • Dev Bethanasamy
    May 17, 2021 9:56 pm

    Huh, I better need to change my eyeglass.

  • Bearded Weirdo
    May 17, 2021 9:57 pm

    Me: yeah… So, I’ve created a trigger that triggers when that other trigger triggers. But I forgot that I had already added another trigger… So, now the trigger also triggers the trigger that triggers the trigger when that other trigger triggers…

    *Brent’s face:*

  • Gavin Steinberg
    May 17, 2021 9:58 pm

    Wow is that the temperature- never seen -60c before

  • Gavin Steinberg
    May 17, 2021 10:00 pm

    So that what happens to wee at -40

  • I stayed in all day especially and they still dropped a card through the letterbox and left my parcel with the neighbor. Nearest one is 60 miles away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Erik Withoud
    May 17, 2021 10:20 pm

    But Brent,
    You always drop all your indexes during your classes, I thought I should do it in production and start fresh! No Bueno?

  • Go ahead DBA, make my day…

  • Richard Smith
    May 17, 2021 10:30 pm

    “Your friend wants to ask … what’s the best fillfactor for your heap!”

  • Andrew Hill
    May 17, 2021 10:33 pm

    yeah, duplicates do go away if you squint hard enough

  • Andrew Hill
    May 17, 2021 10:34 pm

    “that might be a date column you’ve got there”

  • Aart bluestoke
    May 17, 2021 10:36 pm
  • Richard Smith
    May 17, 2021 10:42 pm

    You like our summer Mr Brent?

  • Richard Smith
    May 17, 2021 10:46 pm

    It’s ok, our cloud provider backs up the whole server every night.

  • “I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I’m moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.”

  • After my 2nd vaccine shot

  • Richard Smith
    May 17, 2021 11:16 pm

    … also, decaf capsules are better for your machine.

  • Remya Raman
    May 17, 2021 11:27 pm

    “Put it straight into production, and go back to work!!

  • Brendan Morgan
    May 17, 2021 11:28 pm

    1. International SQL Pirate – wanted for theft of CPU Cycles and Physical IO

    2. Will Work for TempDB Space

  • Richard Smith
    May 17, 2021 11:31 pm

    The Manager doesn’t like Null’s so we use zero’s.

  • Wait, you say you’re what? You’re out of ice? It’s Iceland!

  • Yes, my rider for on site classes does say no Taco Bell. 

  • When I purchase Brents’s training then later find out he’s offering the same training with a discount.

  • Crashed, huh? And your last backup was when?
    Clippy said so?
    Brent Eastwood is Dirty DBA. I know what you’re thinking. “Did he add 5 indexes … or 6?”

  • Yup I created all the index sql server recommended but my query is still slow. I already have 15 nonclustered index, 0 clustered index.

  • Ajit Varsani
    May 18, 2021 1:14 am


  • Phil Godfrin
    May 18, 2021 1:17 am

    Did you say “where’s the FASTER button?”

  • Billy Norris
    May 18, 2021 1:41 am

    The last time I drank that much Tequila was…. yesterday!

  • Daniel Berber
    May 18, 2021 2:03 am

    “When you feel a fart coming”

  • John Cabezas
    May 18, 2021 2:20 am

    Shiver me triggers! Batten down them latches ya scurvy logs!

  • Christopher I Stoll
    May 18, 2021 2:21 am

    “SQL Inject-wha ‘; SELECT * FROM Users –“

  • Seriously?? You ran my demo scripts on Prod without reading instructions?

  • When the developer asks for SA in production….

  • Stephen Lauzon
    May 18, 2021 3:51 am

    I’ll be there in a sec’, just truncating the log.

  • Nadir Doctor
    May 18, 2021 4:03 am

    Iceland – summers are chilly and rest of year has seasons cold
    Brent Ozar’s live class season pass – value surpasses a year and worth its weight in gold!

  • Rob Stevens
    May 18, 2021 4:07 am

    So who put the Superglue where my eyedrops were?

  • Rodney Nielson
    May 18, 2021 4:32 am

    Your “friend” wrote that SQL…right?

  • pradeep.kumar k r
    May 18, 2021 4:36 am

    I thought it was easy with Ireland. Eeeh…

  • Feeling good! After got vaccinated two shots!

  • Gil Milbauer
    May 18, 2021 5:27 am

    How can I undrop my database? No, we don’t have any backups.

  • Backup? I’m pretty sure somebody did it.

  • Is that the sun or is my Database not happy to see me…

  • Charles Candale
    May 18, 2021 6:02 am

    Damn it! I only washed twice after cutting up that Habanero and scratching my eye!

  • My face when they ask me to “turn on ALL the trace flags”

  • Johannes Stromberg
    May 18, 2021 6:29 am

    “First you buy me dinner and take me to eat Icelandic rotten shark and now you want to convince me that running all SELECT queries with NOLOCK is a brilliant idea, really??”

  • Evert ter Haar
    May 18, 2021 6:30 am

    In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king…

  • Roman Lopatev
    May 18, 2021 6:37 am

    What is SQL, I don’t know anything I’m on vacation.

  • Today i feel like Lucky Luke. I will destroy those deadlocks.

  • “So you’re telling me you use T1806 in production ?”

  • Nooo it’s not that ‘top’, also, what’s you operating system?

  • Richard Smith
    May 18, 2021 7:38 am

    Brent hears the pun “can you tune ma radio?” again.

  • I don’t need to see your code, I can smell it!

  • Steven Chapman
    May 18, 2021 8:09 am

    The face you pull when you hear Iceland’s entry to the Eurovision Song Contest final (and think that might just win)

  • Thomas Franz
    May 18, 2021 8:13 am

    Picture of some kitchen tools in the window of a wooden house.

  • Natalie Davies
    May 18, 2021 8:13 am

    “So yeah, I deleted the transaction log because the disk was full and now the database won’t start”
    Brent: …

    (based on a true story)

  • It’s Friday! But you’re on call this weekend.

  • “SQL Server on Linux? ah you want my twin brother Brent”

  • not Richard
    May 18, 2021 8:26 am

    Man I really need to stop commenting on this thread and do some work, or that will be my face.

  • Geoff Langdon
    May 18, 2021 8:28 am

    SQL Server 2023 will ship with complete, error free documentation

  • “We want 1000% times faster for 10% of the cost”

  • Hey Brent… I just set your databases to Auto shrink…


  • Mark Wright
    May 18, 2021 9:11 am

    Don’t touch my coffee, I’ve seen you spill queries.

  • What do you mean, you’re not asking “for a friend”?!

  • SELECT ingredient1 Collate Icelandic_CI_AS, Ingredient2 COLLATE Icelandic_CI_AS from Local_tequila
    Select ingredient1,ingredient2 from Previous_location ;

    eh, return 0 !

  • Craig Kennedy
    May 18, 2021 9:38 am

    Grr I hate snow now!

  • Daniel de Haan
    May 18, 2021 9:47 am

    CRAETE ..

  • Dave Richardson
    May 18, 2021 9:52 am

    Brent Ozar: Author of “SQL Cursors are Brilliant!” (leaving his publishers office.)

  • David Tovee
    May 18, 2021 10:00 am

    “Err, I think I put on Erika’s glasses again…” – (I did think about other items but I’m keeping it clean)
    “Microsoft guarantees no corruption on current release of the SQL Server”

  • :wave my hand mystically at Brent:

    _- These are not the user-defined types you are looking for… -_

  • Who has drunk all the whisky?

  • David Tovee
    May 18, 2021 10:23 am

    “How many caption entries to I have to evaluate?”

  • Thorsteinn Mar Thorsteinsson
    May 18, 2021 10:36 am

    My friend’s parameter sniffing in the wild gone wrong.

  • Roger Allen
    May 18, 2021 10:43 am

    “Hey Mr Ozar, my SQL 2019 Enterprise server with 1 GB memory and 16 cpus is going slow, even after putting it up to 32 cpus and increasing the index rebuilds to every hour, can you fix it for me?…I’ll buy you a drink if you can, I have to go home now, but I’ll leave it logged in for you”

  • This is the exact same face I have after a shot of decaf coffee in the morning!

  • Michael Medhurst
    May 18, 2021 10:51 am

    Wait a minute…. Ireland is colder than I thought

  • Thorsteinn Mar Thorsteinsson
    May 18, 2021 10:52 am

    Icelandic whisky – A tasty dung smoked beverage

  • “You are asking me to help you store documents in SQL Server using XML and IMAGE data types?”

  • Hey Brent! We have to do a rollback because I checked the wrong code into TFS and it got pushed during deployment. BTW I don’t have any whiskey at home and that smell is my perfume.

  • It’s all because you’ve got the bathroom window behind you.

  • Brent : “What did you say ?”
    Me : “InnoDB”
    Brent : “He know Deebie ?!? well … that sounds like a good thing I imagine “

  • Hi Bernt (Brett, Bert, or other variation), I saw your video on Youtube, can you write my query for me? Its urgent and my client (or homework) is really depending on your help.

  • Andrew Peterson
    May 18, 2021 12:16 pm

    Dammit, my neighbor just got a used Aston Martin, and it’s a lot cooler than my Jag. And she paid less for it.

  • I said Margarita not Margherita Dammit

  • “What did you say ? I-n-n-o DB”

  • Wim Schepens
    May 18, 2021 12:24 pm

    You want me to develop a First Responder Kit for Oracle ???

  • “MySQL ?!? Well … retirement near a volcano or two I guess”

  • “YOU ARE MAKING MONEY WITH MY STUFF , and I know this “

  • Um based on your answer I would suggest getting some Brent Ozar training!

  • Phil Reynolds
    May 18, 2021 12:49 pm

    “Wooaah, I can’t believe so many captions have been posted. Do I have to read them all?”

    …Brent searches for some “random reply selector” code…

    • Andrew Peterson
      May 18, 2021 12:53 pm

      He’s old school. print them out, post on the wall, and use darts!

  • Richard Kaye
    May 18, 2021 1:01 pm

    Get off my lawn!

  • Erika . . . I don’t think we’re in California any more!

  • Stephen Lauzon
    May 18, 2021 1:12 pm
    Thinking about sets all day, will make you blind they say.

  • Mark Schmid
    May 18, 2021 1:23 pm

    Damn, locked myself out again

  • James Perry
    May 18, 2021 1:26 pm

    How many cursors did you say we’re in that stored procedure?

  • Pete Forster
    May 18, 2021 1:39 pm

    The look of a man who’s just been lectured about why they need to move to a new platform because it’s “Web Scale”


  • What do you mean my blog software has a reply limit and my web site is down?

  • Artur Bukowski
    May 18, 2021 1:46 pm

    Microsoft to Brent: We need you! You are our only hope! Will you lead our SQL Server dev team ?

  • David Machanick
    May 18, 2021 1:48 pm

    Passwords are too hard to remember – I always leave mine blank,

  • David Prestridge
    May 18, 2021 1:51 pm

    SQL is ready pretty if you squint real hard!

  • David Prestridge
    May 18, 2021 1:52 pm

    SQL is really pretty if you squint real hard!!!

  • Sheldon Williams
    May 18, 2021 1:58 pm

    “I’m strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach…”

  • Guenter Wagner
    May 18, 2021 2:00 pm

    Who put a deadlock on my Snowmobile????

  • Paul Williams
    May 18, 2021 2:00 pm

    Go ahead… hint my day.

  • No, fault tolerance is not the same as wearing two zip up shirts.

  • Sheldon Williams
    May 18, 2021 2:05 pm

    “We come from the land of the ice and snow From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow
    The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new land To fight the horde and sing, and cry
    Valhalla, I am coming”

  • Sheldon Williams
    May 18, 2021 2:06 pm

    “Say Free Training one more time, I dare you, I double dare you ……… say free training one more time!!!”

  • Breck Dahlin
    May 18, 2021 2:09 pm

    Brent, I have a MS Access question can you help?

  • “We’re waiting on the dev group to email the SA password”

  • Alin Selicean
    May 18, 2021 2:29 pm

    MS announcement: due to popular demand and the huge number of references and suggestions from various people ( Brent, most of the time), the SQL Server team decided to replace Query Optimizer with Clippy and Intellisense with Thesaurus.

  • NO… changing sp_Blitz to sp_SuperBlitz does not make you the author!!!

  • That look when you get told, again, that the vendor needs sa access…

  • Do you feel SQL lucky punk….or do you still want to carry on with no backups because you are still too busy.

  • Did I clear the browser history?

  • Colin Hunter
    May 18, 2021 3:44 pm

    Like an Icelander stepping into the first summer suns, I can lead you out of your SQL darkness!

  • “Did you really just drink the last of my Tequila?”

  • Move to Iceland, they said… It’s a beautiful country, they said… Full of mostly inactive volcanos, they said…

  • “Sometimes I wonder why I even write comments”

    or, along the same lines…

    “Do you people even read the comments?”

  • Chris Wilson
    May 18, 2021 4:21 pm

    You have how many indexes? You know that’s a limit, not a goal right?

    What do you mean my bank uses merge to update my balance?

    Hi Brent, we run all our queries across linked servers so we can manage everything in one place!

  • Jeffrey A Torres
    May 18, 2021 4:27 pm

    As you can see, winking is another one of my many effortless skills.

  • gabriele d'onufrio
    May 18, 2021 4:28 pm

    USA and Greenland jointly agreed to enact the Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution from now!

  • Chris Malone
    May 18, 2021 5:11 pm

    “Oh yeah… forgot – I did eat that last bowl of soup before we left on our hike, but we do have that kale left…”

  • Derrick Bell
    May 18, 2021 5:16 pm
  • Derrick Bell
    May 18, 2021 5:17 pm


  • Man who figured out all things SQL yet mesmerized by a dog biting its tail…

  • James S May
    May 18, 2021 5:33 pm

    object reference not set to an instance of an object

  • James S May
    May 18, 2021 5:39 pm

    “Our server is running too slowly because the SAN is full. Let’s create a new instance of sql server, then send queries to the old one over linked servers.”

    -Actual suggested solution at my wife’s office

  • Mick Opalak
    May 18, 2021 6:06 pm

    Mmmm… Hákarl.

  • Braden Blakley
    May 18, 2021 6:21 pm

    “Really??? You think a cursor is the only way to do that?”

    [Repeats question smugly]: “Do I think adding another index would help?”

    “You want the ENTIRE production db replicated to the DEV environment?”

  • “I’m here to flog knowledge into you and drink Throat Coat Tea, and I’m all out of tea.”

  • Súrsaðir hrútspungar is made from what?

  • Something stinks here: parameter sniffing maybe
    Something stinks here: wrong indexes maybe
    Something stinks here: bad sql query

  • When you find out the “free drinks” are only Jose Cuervo

  • Michael Furey
    May 18, 2021 8:13 pm

    You’re bothering me _before_ I’ve had my morning Icelandic coffee??

  • Kim Crosser
    May 18, 2021 8:18 pm

    I don’t always test in Production, but when I do, it is on Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend.

  • Can you smell what the Brent is cooking?

  • Marcy Ashley-Selleck
    May 18, 2021 8:43 pm
  • Stephen Schissler
    May 18, 2021 9:05 pm

    I create all of the columns in all of my tables as NVARCHAR(MAX) because I did not want to have to change the column definition in the future if I needed to store more data.

  • Houston Vanhoy
    May 18, 2021 9:08 pm

    “Whew! I sniffed something, but I don’t think that it is a parameter.”

    “What the heck are you doing here? I came to Iceland to get away from you, dude!”

  • Michael Davis
    May 18, 2021 9:10 pm

    Shiver me timbers, o’zar dandy captions!

  • David Brock
    May 18, 2021 9:24 pm

    “Not sure if sulphur from volcano or kæstur hákarl”

  • David Brock
    May 18, 2021 9:30 pm

    “I’m not saying it is the worst query I have ever seen but seriously, you need to take my class.”

  • Thom Holderman
    May 18, 2021 9:31 pm

    Midnight Sun? Aw man I thought you said Midnight Fun!

  • Why do I even bother?

  • You expect us to come back to the office after 15 months at home?

  • We’ve scheduled GroupBy 2021 on the same days as MS Build?

  • Kevin Grover
    May 18, 2021 11:44 pm

    Next time it’s a Range Rover with heated seats

  • No, ask your questions on Pollgab and remember its ‘Your friend Says’

  • Uh. Sorry. Yeah. That was me.

  • In-person class where?

  • Jeff Shervey
    May 19, 2021 2:55 am

    Im getting too old for this shit! Perhaps a career change…

  • “Hey Brent. Can you make my queries run slower? “

  • Remya Raman
    May 19, 2021 3:27 am

    My friend made me do it.

  • Speaking of Code Smells

  • davidfreinkel
    May 19, 2021 7:21 am

    How much RAM did you say you have?

  • Breaking news: Brent joined Microsoft as a Junior Sale Advocate for SQL Server certificate program. As per required for the daily job, he will hold the sa password of the critical DB under this program.

  • Kaszás Tibor
    May 19, 2021 7:37 am


  • Timothy Moss
    May 19, 2021 7:45 am

    Now, young Skywalker, you will die

  • I’m moving to Florida! F*** Iceland. Can’t imagine how normal person can live in the f****** Iceland.

    • Hahaha, we lived in South Beach for a couple of years. I loved it, but Erika hated it – the heat was bad, but the humidity was worse.

  • Justin Bird
    May 19, 2021 8:17 am

    You think I have a lane…?

  • Todd Chittenden
    May 19, 2021 12:41 pm

    “You haven’t backed up your databases in over a year. Do you feel lucky today, PUNK?”
    Substitute the first sentence with any other phrase with some high priority finding from the First Responder’s Kit, such as:
    “EVERYONE on your server is a sysadmin!…”
    “Your databases are set to Auto-Shrink…”
    “Your sa password is ‘password’…”
    “Your backups are stored on the same drive as your data files…”

    The list is long.

  • Robert Bishop
    May 19, 2021 1:40 pm

    You have a “Mission Critical” databases running your entire business on a bare metal server with 1 CPU, 8 GB of RAM running SQL 2005 Express?

    client: Yup, we were wondering why it is so slow!

    Brent: *see picture*

  • “Ohhh, NO NO NO NOLOCK again…”

  • George Walkey
    May 19, 2021 2:49 pm

    “there used to be less Grey”

  • I’m Popeye the SQL Man

  • I’m Popeye the SQL Man.
    I live in an Iceland can.
    I teaches the SQLs
    to all of my peoples.
    I’m Popeye the SQL Man.

  • You’re using WITH (NOLOCK) in an UPDATE statement?!

  • Jim Breffni
    May 19, 2021 4:57 pm

    How can I do a u-turn on gdpr without looking like an idiot?

  • Dariusz Danielewski
    May 19, 2021 5:09 pm

    I’ve found your profile on LinkedIn and you would be a great fit for this Junior T-SQL Developer position …

  • George Tsalmas
    May 19, 2021 5:15 pm

    If you remove the NOLOCK hint, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you!!!

  • Ben Anderson
    May 19, 2021 5:20 pm

    The notorious B.R.E.N.T.

  • 15TB databases on HDDs and Standard Edition

  • Aakash Patel
    May 19, 2021 5:48 pm

    In-memory XTP= Out of memory! Hmm, Can you please elaborate?

  • Damodaran Venkatesan
    May 19, 2021 6:06 pm

    Do you call that a database?

  • Carlos Cuevas
    May 19, 2021 6:36 pm

    “We don’t use foreing keys, those only makes errors on the app”.
    -real comment from a costumer.

  • Carlos Cuevas
    May 19, 2021 6:40 pm

    We have backups!, we make a full bare metal backup every day.
    What do you mean test it?

  • Carlos Cuevas
    May 19, 2021 6:47 pm

    Microsoft: We are adding a lot of new features to Live Query Statistics. They are still in alpha, but we are it sending to everyone with no option to turn it off. Don’t worry, you don’t need to download an upgrade. Good luck!

  • Keith Ramnanan
    May 19, 2021 6:52 pm

    The face you make when someone wants to shrink your database

  • Paul Williams
    May 19, 2021 6:59 pm

    “We use NOLOCK for performance reasons.”

  • Say what? Troubleshoot your transactional replication issues?

  • Fausto Gonzalez
    May 20, 2021 2:40 am

    Database… *SNIFF* You stink.

  • Y’all know that snow isn’t just on the ground in Iceland.

  • maksimbondarenko
    May 20, 2021 4:57 am

    When you know that Clippy lies

  • I see a one disc, one thread thrashing legal SQL eater,
    One disc, one thread crashing legal SQL eater,
    One disc, one thread trashing legal SQL eater,
    Sure looks slow to me!

  • David Tovee
    May 20, 2021 6:50 am

    Brent hears the bad news he won’t be able to do his cameo appearance in Eurovision with the band ‘Daði og Gagnamagnið’ he had been practicing so hard with as one of the band has tested positive for COVID.

  • Peter Schmitz
    May 20, 2021 12:37 pm

    “Very funny. I asked for a backup tape. What you handed me is a cleaning tape”

  • Aakash Patel
    May 20, 2021 1:55 pm

    Newly promoted DBA : “Have you checked missing index recommendations YET?”

  • Phillip Griffith
    May 20, 2021 2:06 pm

    Grumpy Cat Moves to Iceland

  • Phillip Griffith
    May 20, 2021 2:08 pm

    Brent Ozar debuts new training class “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

  • Using maintenance plans, what year is this!?

  • “You mean I didn’t have to copy the data out, drop the table, create the table on the partition scheme, and load the data back in from a heap?!?”

  • “So you’re saying I can add the same constraint over and over again if I don’t give the constraint a name?!?”

  • “What my cartoon would look like on if I didn’t have my coffee!”

  • Most people’s reaction to “Get it? Query? … Was that too easy? We’ll work on the puns”

  • sp_IcelandicWeather @BringThePain = 1

  • “You have one new message. Message one:”

    “Hi, this is Jim with Absorb Learning Management Systems, and I’m calling to see if our product might be a good fit for your business.”

  • Carl Anderton
    May 21, 2021 6:47 am

    “So let me get this straight … You’re ‘NOT’ and accidental DBA ??”

  • Vemund Haga
    May 21, 2021 7:23 am

    Damn, I thought I got rid of them up here in Iceland!

    May 21, 2021 7:32 am

    It’s so cold over here in Iceland… I have a permanent, new, resting b**** face!

  • “…but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
    If you let my database go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill your SPIDs.”

  • maksimbondarenko
    May 21, 2021 8:28 am

    “We’ve decided to rebuild all indexes and do statistics update daily”

  • Henk Huisman
    May 21, 2021 8:40 am

    “Hey Brent…isn’t your blog a simplified version of BOL?!”

  • I ate so much today and can’t pronounce SQL anymore! 🙂

  • My friend Brent Ozar said that NOLOCK solves most performance and locking issues.

  • “We already explained to you this is a failover cluster instance, so *how* could the index be non-clustered?”

  • This code runs? In production?!

  • Your parameters disgust me

  • A wet bird never flies at night.

  • Brent’s face after the following interaction

    *on-call phone rings at 3am*
    Groggy Brent: Hello, this is Brent
    On-call phone: Hello…
    *5 seconds of silence*
    Irritated Brent: Hello, this is Brent, can you hear me? What is the issue?
    On-call phone: I’m calling about your car’s extended warra-
    *Brent hangs up, says a few choice words, and grabs the whiskey*

  • Courtney Edens
    May 21, 2021 1:25 pm

    “No Brent, its you that understand. I don’t want training I just need you to fix this one thing for me”

  • Constipation is just like a system process on which you have no control. Neither it gets released, nor it gets killed. N that’s how you look like when you have either of these.

    ? Pardon me everyone for the words ?

  • Yeah maybe it’s not so bad. Only 1433 days till I retire

    • Andrew Peterson
      May 21, 2021 5:21 pm

      Yea, I’m not that old. There are lots of things older than me. Like rocks.

  • Stephen Lauzon
    May 21, 2021 5:46 pm

    Brent Ozar gave my indexes the stinkeye, time to tear it all down and redesign.


  • What do you mean you didn’t read the prerequisites before class!!!

  • “What do you mean all the snow and ice is in Greenland…”

  • Felipe Schneider
    May 21, 2021 7:37 pm

    user: No output, this is a healty system
    Brent: did you run use DBName?
    User: I was on master
    Bret: Send the image

  • Don’t Bloody Ask!!!

  • Huh? You trying an oracle impdp within an sqlcmd line?

  • Large Marge sent me.

  • K. Brian Kelley
    May 22, 2021 1:50 am

    I should never have pulled the trigger on buying that Red Ryder BB gin.

  • Saket Mittal
    May 22, 2021 8:21 am

    SQL ???? ?????? great ?? !

  • Brent upon discovering his new accommodation comes WITH NOLOCK.

  • Hey Brent! Ask me for directions

  • Huh, You still using Sql Server 6.5 ?

  • Hey,
    i will give a chance ?
    Thank you Brent for all your work.
    Best regards,

  • I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me how to fine tune this SQL, or I’ll…DROP TABLE STUDENTS

  • I will give a second shot