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Overheard in Performance Tuning Training Class

A sampling of things overheard at our 2015 Performance Troubleshooting Class in Denver: “I’m not a GUID hater.” “Oh, God help me. I’ve clicked on XML.” “Reporting Services looks around at the available memory, makes itself at home, maybe takes its pants off.” “Where would I go to check if I — hypothetically — accidentally set…
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The Most Confusing Words, Phrases, and Acronyms in SQL Server

Words are hard. Acronyms are even harder. Here’s the words that give me the most trouble when talking to people about SQL Server. And thanks to all my Twitter friends quoted here for their suggestions! Replication “I have a question about replication…” “Which kind? Transactional? Merge? Peer to Peer?” “Availability Groups.” Technically, the word “replication”…
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Brent’s Bad Idea Jeans [Video]

Over the years, I’ve come up with some rather “interesting” answers to SQL Server problems including: Warming up SQL Server’s buffer pool by selecting all the data from all the tables Creating indexes with triggers Adding nonclustered indexes to clustered columnstore indexes Compressing backups the hard way Putting databases on a RAM drive In this 20-minute…
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How to Add Nonclustered Indexes to Clustered Columnstore Indexes

SQL Server 2012 introduced nonclustered columnstore indexes, but I never saw them used in the wild simply because once created, they made the underlying table read-only. Not a lot of folks like read-only tables. (Bad news, by the way – that limitation hasn’t disappeared in 2014.) SQL Server 2014 brings clustered columnstore indexes, and they’re…
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Top Classic Country Songs for SQL Server DBAs

“I Shot a Server in Reno (just to watch it die)” Johnny Cash “AlwaysOn on My Mind” Willie Nelson “WASD, Don’t Take Your Single Thread to Town” Kenny Rogers “Transactions in the (Replication) Stream” Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton “Stand by Your Maintenance Plan” Tammy Wynette “Ring Buffer of Fire” Johnny Cash “Your Deadlockin’ Heart”…
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Learn to Speak DBA Slang

Ever wonder what those big-company DBAs are saying when they start busting out the cryptic terms?  Learn the slang of database administrators with this handy reference guide. Wizard of Oz – admin who makes everyone think things are automated, but he’s really just duct taping things together. “The executives think we’ve got a reporting dashboard,…
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“Who Wrote This?” Contest

Over and over, readers leave comments here saying things like “Nice comment, Brent” on a post that Kendra wrote.  We laugh about it – after all, they can’t really be reading that closely if they don’t even notice the name on the bottom of the post, right above where they’re commenting – but we started…
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SQL Server App Store Reviews

If SQL Server cost $4.99 in the App Store, what would the reviews look like? Not as good as the Access app – ** By B. Analyst, December 6, 2011 I don’t understand what all the fuss is about.  The GUI in this app sucks.  It’s hard to build reports, and it’s overpriced.  $4.99?!? Save…
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Your caption here.

Christmas Caption Contest

It’s the holidays, and you’re not working that hard anyway.  In the comments, give me your best caption for this photo by midnight GMT on Sunday, December 26th, 2010: Your caption here. I’ll pick the winner on Monday morning and post it here.  The winner gets these stickers, SQLskills stickers, and the EFF prize pack…
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Joel and Kevin - Awesome Buttons

I ___ with Brent

I need creative help with my name. At TechEd, Quest is promoting their MVPs and experts like Joel Oleson and Kevin Kline with a really cool series of buttons, t-shirts, and banners.  Joel and Kevin have awesome buttons: Joel and Kevin - Awesome Buttons Really cool, right?  But what on earth do we do with…
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Vidas Matelis, Scoopmeister

#SQLR2 Launch Goofs

When I lose my MVP status, we’ll all look back on this blog post and understand why.  I just can’t help myself though – Microsoft has made some real head-shaking decisions over the last couple of weeks. Sorta-Kinda-Announced-But-Not-Really – At UK Tech Days, Microsoft staff announced a release date of May 21st. No press releases…
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All The Storage an Access Guy Needs

Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Doesn’t Rock

Database Journal published an article yesterday about the Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Rocks for Developers.  After I wiped the coffee off my monitor, I had to write a rebuttal. The following headlines are theirs, not mine, but the responses are mine. 1. The price is right. The author says: “Access is freely available…
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Just Say No

The Moment We Won the War on Drugs In the 1980s, Nancy Reagan attempted to solve our nation’s drug problem by encouraging kids to “Just Say No” if they were offered drugs. According to my research performed while watching popular television shows like Burn Notice, CSI:Miami, Law & Order, and Spongebob Squarepants, it appears that…
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Nice Overalls You Got There

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays long-distance sailors from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.  Chicago-Mac race sailors stand a pretty good chance of running into bad weather, so I picked up a set of foulies. Not Pictured – Dignity Pictured here: bibs, just one part of the foul…
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YO! DBA Raps

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell About two bad bloggers you know so well Michelle Ufford is the @SQLFool And Ward Pond, he’s a twit, but of course he’s cool She don’t have a horsey named Paul Revere But she drops mad lyrics, you can see ’em here They’re good stuff, but…
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