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Learn to Speak DBA Slang

Ever wonder what those big-company DBAs are saying when they start busting out the cryptic terms?  Learn the slang of database administrators with this handy reference guide. Wizard of Oz – admin who makes everyone think things are automated, but he’s really just duct taping things together. “The executives think we’ve got a reporting dashboard,…
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“Who Wrote This?” Contest

Over and over, readers leave comments here saying things like “Nice comment, Brent” on a post that Kendra wrote.  We laugh about it – after all, they can’t really be reading that closely if they don’t even notice the name on the bottom of the post, right above where they’re commenting – but we started…
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Your caption here.

Christmas Caption Contest

It’s the holidays, and you’re not working that hard anyway.  In the comments, give me your best caption for this photo by midnight GMT on Sunday, December 26th, 2010: Your caption here. I’ll pick the winner on Monday morning and post it here.  The winner gets these stickers, SQLskills stickers, and the EFF prize pack…
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Joel and Kevin - Awesome Buttons

I ___ with Brent

I need creative help with my name. At TechEd, Quest is promoting their MVPs and experts like Joel Oleson and Kevin Kline with a really cool series of buttons, t-shirts, and banners.  Joel and Kevin have awesome buttons: Joel and Kevin - Awesome Buttons Really cool, right?  But what on earth do we do with…
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Vidas Matelis, Scoopmeister

#SQLR2 Launch Goofs

When I lose my MVP status, we’ll all look back on this blog post and understand why.  I just can’t help myself though – Microsoft has made some real head-shaking decisions over the last couple of weeks. Sorta-Kinda-Announced-But-Not-Really – At UK Tech Days, Microsoft staff announced a release date of May 21st. No press releases…
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All The Storage an Access Guy Needs

Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Doesn’t Rock

Database Journal published an article yesterday about the Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Rocks for Developers.  After I wiped the coffee off my monitor, I had to write a rebuttal. The following headlines are theirs, not mine, but the responses are mine. 1. The price is right. The author says: “Access is freely available…
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Just Say No

The Moment We Won the War on Drugs In the 1980s, Nancy Reagan attempted to solve our nation’s drug problem by encouraging kids to “Just Say No” if they were offered drugs. According to my research performed while watching popular television shows like Burn Notice, CSI:Miami, Law & Order, and Spongebob Squarepants, it appears that…
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Nice Overalls You Got There

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays long-distance sailors from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.  Chicago-Mac race sailors stand a pretty good chance of running into bad weather, so I picked up a set of foulies. Not Pictured – Dignity Pictured here: bibs, just one part of the foul…
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YO! DBA Raps

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell About two bad bloggers you know so well Michelle Ufford is the @SQLFool And Ward Pond, he’s a twit, but of course he’s cool She don’t have a horsey named Paul Revere But she drops mad lyrics, you can see ’em here They’re good stuff, but…
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Optimists, Pessimists and Technology People

Pessimist: “The glass is half empty.” Optimist: “The glass is half full.” Database Administrator: “The glass is sized correctly for peak loads.” Virtualization Admin: “This person should be sharing a Dixie Cup with the guys in accounting.” Business Intelligence Admin: “How can we upsell this customer to bottled water?” Security Admin: “Whose glass is this?…
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Meeting Minutes for Trigger Design

What would it have been like to sit in the first meeting where somebody decided to implement triggers inside a database server? … Manager: “Alright, everybody’s here, let’s get started.  First item on the agenda: how’s that self-tuning piece coming along?  It’s going to be ready for this version, right?” Developer A: “Yep, lookin’ good. …
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Somebody created a Halloween monster #SQLputdowns

I think Tim Ford aka SQLAgentMan was the first with this, but now it’s turned into a monster.  On Twitter, we’re trading SQL putdowns.  You can find ’em on search.twitter.com by searching for #SQLputdowns. Here were my personal favorites from the chatter: Yo mama so dumb she separates statements with STOP. – JCumberland Yo mamma…
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