News & Opinion
Top Classic Country Songs for SQL Server DBAs
"I Shot a Server in Reno (just to watch it die)" Johnny Cash
"AlwaysOn on My Mind" Willie Nelson
Category: Humor
Performance Tuning
Bob Dylan Explains TempDB (Video)
How many files must a TempDB have before it’s allowed to be fast? How many table variables must a server walk down before it’s considered a table? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, and Bob Dylan will share it with you in this 25-minute video – hopefully you can understand him.
News & Opinion
Learn to Speak DBA Slang
Ever wonder what those big-company DBAs are saying when they start busting out the cryptic terms? Learn the slang of database administrators with this handy reference guide.
Wizard of Oz - admin who makes everyone think things are automated, but he's really just duct taping things together. "The executives think we've got a reporting dashboard, but the Wizard of Oz over there is just copy/pasting data into Excel and hitting Insert Chart before he prints it out."
News & Opinion
Troubleshooting the Top Five Waits Occurring in SQL Server DBAs
We’ve all been there: the SQL Server Database Administrator has been running slowly and everyone’s getting cranky. How can you tell what’s wrong and what steps you need to take to restore normal operations? Database administrators have great instrumentation. When asked, they’re happy to tell you about their bottlenecks in excruciating detail. Use this handy…
News & Opinion
Pimp My MCM Certificate Contest Winner
Wow - you guys are creative! I got a lot of laughs out of the contest entries, and here's some of the highlights.
Doug Lane certified Admiral Ackbar as a Master of Trap Recognition and Countermeasures:
News & Opinion
#SQLR2 Launch Goofs
When I lose my MVP status, we'll all look back on this blog post and understand why. I just can't help myself though - Microsoft has made some real head-shaking decisions over the last couple of weeks. Sorta-Kinda-Announced-But-Not-Really - At UK Tech Days, Microsoft staff announced a release date of May 21st. No press releases…
News & Opinion
Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Doesn’t Rock
Database Journal published an article yesterday about the Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Rocks for Developers. After I wiped the coffee off my monitor, I had to write a rebuttal.
The following headlines are theirs, not mine, but the responses are mine.
1. The price is right.
The author says:
"Access is freely available … to everyone who has Microsoft Office Professional."
That's like saying fine Corinthian leather is completely free ... to anyone who has a Chrysler Cordoba.
News & Opinion
Just Say No
In the 1980s, Nancy Reagan attempted to solve our nation's drug problem by encouraging kids to "Just Say No" if they were offered drugs.
According to my research performed while watching popular television shows like Burn Notice, CSI:Miami, Law & Order, and Spongebob Squarepants, it appears that people are still saying yes to drugs.
News & Opinion
Nice Overalls You Got There
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays long-distance sailors from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Chicago-Mac race sailors stand a pretty good chance of running into bad weather, so I picked up a set of foulies. Pictured here: bibs, just one part of the foul weather gear. Sailing in…
News & Opinion
Meeting Minutes for Trigger Design
What would it have been like to sit in the first meeting where somebody decided to implement triggers inside a database server?
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News & Opinion
Somebody created a Halloween monster #SQLputdowns
I think Tim Ford aka SQLAgentMan was the first with this, but now it's turned into a monster. On Twitter, we're trading SQL putdowns. You can find 'em on search.twitter.com by searching for #SQLputdowns.
Here were my personal favorites from the chatter: