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Category: Humor

News & Opinion

The Most Confusing Words, Phrases, and Acronyms in SQL Server

December 16, 2014

Words are hard. Acronyms are even harder. Here's the words that give me the most trouble when talking to people about SQL Server. And thanks to all my Twitter friends quoted here for their suggestions!
Replication
"I have a question about replication..."

"Which kind? Transactional? Merge? Peer to Peer?"

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Performance Tuning

How to Add Nonclustered Indexes to Clustered Columnstore Indexes

March 25, 2014

SQL Server 2012 introduced nonclustered columnstore indexes, but I never saw them used in the wild simply because once created, they made the underlying table read-only. Not a lot of folks like read-only tables. (Bad news, by the way - that limitation hasn't disappeared in 2014.) SQL Server 2014 brings clustered columnstore indexes, and they're…

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News & Opinion

Learn to Speak DBA Slang

October 4, 2012

Ever wonder what those big-company DBAs are saying when they start busting out the cryptic terms?  Learn the slang of database administrators with this handy reference guide.

Wizard of Oz - admin who makes everyone think things are automated, but he's really just duct taping things together. "The executives think we've got a reporting dashboard, but the Wizard of Oz over there is just copy/pasting data into Excel and hitting Insert Chart before he prints it out."

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News & Opinion

Troubleshooting the Top Five Waits Occurring in SQL Server DBAs

October 1, 2012

We’ve all been there: the SQL Server Database Administrator has been running slowly and everyone’s getting cranky. How can you tell what’s wrong and what steps you need to take to restore normal operations? Database administrators have great instrumentation. When asked, they’re happy to tell you about their bottlenecks in excruciating detail. Use this handy…

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News & Opinion

#SQLR2 Launch Goofs

April 21, 2010

When I lose my MVP status, we'll all look back on this blog post and understand why.  I just can't help myself though - Microsoft has made some real head-shaking decisions over the last couple of weeks. Sorta-Kinda-Announced-But-Not-Really - At UK Tech Days, Microsoft staff announced a release date of May 21st. No press releases…

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News & Opinion

Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Doesn’t Rock

February 11, 2010

Database Journal published an article yesterday about the Top 10 Reasons Why Access Still Rocks for Developers.  After I wiped the coffee off my monitor, I had to write a rebuttal.

The following headlines are theirs, not mine, but the responses are mine.
1. The price is right.
The author says:
"Access is freely available … to everyone who has Microsoft Office Professional."
That's like saying fine Corinthian leather is completely free ... to anyone who has a Chrysler Cordoba.

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News & Opinion

Just Say No

October 1, 2009

In the 1980s, Nancy Reagan attempted to solve our nation's drug problem by encouraging kids to "Just Say No" if they were offered drugs.

According to my research performed while watching popular television shows like Burn Notice, CSI:Miami, Law & Order, and Spongebob Squarepants, it appears that people are still saying yes to drugs.

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