The Nine Circles of Developer Hell

Commit message: Duck!

Commit message: Duck!

Everyone’s code is terrible. But exactly how terrible is yours?

First Circle: Code Limbo

We can’t say this is good code, but for the most part nobody notices it.

Second Circle: Code Lust

Cool function, bro!

Third Circle: Gluttonous Code

There’s always one simple piece of logic that’s been written hundreds of times, all over the codebase, but in slightly different ways. And then, one day, you need to change it.

Fourth Circle: Angry Code

Your application has periodic timeouts, which disappear as soon as users report them.

Fifth Circle: Greedy Code

This code was only supposed to run once when a user logged in and their profile was loaded. But sp_BlitzCache® says it runs 4,000 times per minute when you’re hardly doing anything.

Sixth Circle: Code Heresy

This code looks incredibly bad. It violates common sense, but it works right now. You’re afraid to touch it, for fear it will burst into flames.

Seventh Circle: Violent Code

Your application is deadlocking, and literally killing itself.

Eighth Circle: Code Fraud

That day you find out that large portions of your source code don’t actually belong to your company. And now you need to fix it.

Ninth Circle: Treacherous Code

When your database corrupts itself.

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