Humor

Bad Idea Jeans, Humor, SQL Server, TempDB

No, not #tables – actual tables. Here’s how: Transact-SQL USE tempdb; GO /* This one is only available during my session: */ CREATE TABLE #myTempTable (ID INT IDENTITY(1,1), Stuffing VARCHAR(100)); GO /* This one is global, meaning it's available to other sessions: */ CREATE TABLE ##myTempTable (ID INT IDENTITY(1,1), Stuffing VARCHAR(100)); GO /* You can…

SQL Server 2005 support ends next week. Here’s my tribute to it.

April 4, 2016

I remember the first time I used SQL Server 2005. Did you know SQL Server has an expiration date on the bottom of the box? Also, this one is curdled. I was a database administrator working on a new-build data warehouse project in Miami. Both our data warehouse and SQL Server 2005 were looking like…

Microsoft Discontinues SQL Server Support for Windows

April 1, 2016

Microsoft announced today that the forthcoming SQL Server 2016 version won’t just run on Linux – it will only run on Linux. Mark Souza, Microsoft “When we started developing the Linux port of SQL Server, we weren’t really serious about it at all,” confessed Mark Souza, lead documentation author for the project. “But after a couple of weeks, we…

Announcing the SQL Server Theme Song Winners

March 28, 2016

We asked you to pick theme songs to play when SQL Server has issues, and holy cow, you sent in a ton of submissions. We couldn’t possibly pick just one in each category, so each of us picked our own winners – all of whom get a free training video class of their choice. (Folks who…

Contest: SQL Server Theme Songs

March 16, 2016

During this month’s Senior DBA Class in Chicago, I started joking with the attendees about what songs they should play during common DBA job tasks, like: Best Song to Play During a Server Outage Best Song to Illustrate Your Predecessor’s Skills Best Song to Accompany an Index Rebuild Best Song to Play When Examining a Slow Query Best…

Trace Flag 2330: Who needs missing index requests?

November 25, 2015

Erik Darling

Bad Idea Jeans, Indexing, SQL Server

dba, development, sql server

Hey, remember 2005? What a great year for… not SQL Server. Mirroring was still a Service Pack away, and there was an issue with spinlock contention on OPT_IDX_STATS or SPL_OPT_IDX_STATS. The KB for it is over here, and it’s pretty explicit that the issue was fixed in 2008, and didn’t carry over to any later…

Brent’s Bad Idea Jeans: Stop People From Changing Tables with This One Trick

November 19, 2015

Bad Idea Jeans, Humor, SQL Server

Developers hate his bad idea jeans: Transact-SQL CREATE VIEW dbo.StopThemDead WITH SCHEMABINDING AS SELECT COUNT(*) FROM dbo.Table1 UNION ALL SELECT COUNT(*) FROM dbo.Table2 UNION ALL.... 123456 CREATE VIEW dbo.StopThemDead WITH SCHEMABINDINGASSELECT COUNT(*) FROM dbo.Table1UNION ALLSELECT COUNT(*) FROM dbo.Table2UNION ALL.... Presto, the schemabinding option means no one can change the underlying tables. (At least, until they…

The Nine Circles of Developer Hell

June 18, 2015

Commit message: Duck! Everyone’s code is terrible. But exactly how terrible is yours? First Circle: Code Limbo We can’t say this is good code, but for the most part nobody notices it. Second Circle: Code Lust Cool function, bro! Third Circle: Gluttonous Code There’s always one simple piece of logic that’s been written hundreds of…

Contest: Write the Scariest DBA Sentence (10 words or less)

May 28, 2015

1275

Warm up your keyboard, it’s time for a contest. The challenge: Write the creepiest sentence you can come up with. You get 10 words max. An example to get you started: Oh, I’m sure someone set up the backups. The rules: Enter as often as you like (here on the blog, in the comments for…

Defragmentation Proven to Completely Fix Performance Issues

April 1, 2015

SPRINGFIELD – Local systems administrator Jackie Toole was carried through city streets today on the backs of ecstatic Acme Tooling employees. For months, Acme’s accounting department had complained of slow performance in their payroll application. “Saving a new hire took minutes, and we had no idea what was going on. Jackie did something, and next thing…

Overheard in Performance Tuning Training Class

March 10, 2015

Doug Lane

A sampling of things overheard at our 2015 Performance Troubleshooting Class in Denver: “I’m not a GUID hater.” “Oh, God help me. I’ve clicked on XML.” “Reporting Services looks around at the available memory, makes itself at home, maybe takes its pants off.” “Where would I go to check if I — hypothetically — accidentally set…

The Most Confusing Words, Phrases, and Acronyms in SQL Server

December 16, 2014

Words are hard. Acronyms are even harder. Here’s the words that give me the most trouble when talking to people about SQL Server. And thanks to all my Twitter friends quoted here for their suggestions! Replication “I have a question about replication…” “Which kind? Transactional? Merge? Peer to Peer?” “Availability Groups.” Technically, the word “replication”…

Brent’s Bad Idea Jeans [Video]

December 1, 2014

Bad Idea Jeans, Humor, SQL Server

Over the years, I’ve come up with some rather “interesting” answers to SQL Server problems including: Warming up SQL Server’s buffer pool by selecting all the data from all the tables Creating indexes with triggers Adding nonclustered indexes to clustered columnstore indexes Compressing backups the hard way Putting databases on a RAM drive In this 20-minute…

Using Triggers to Automatically Add Indexes

July 30, 2014

Bad Idea Jeans, Indexing, SQL Server

Let’s say you’ve got a vendor application that creates tables, loads them, queries them, and drops them all the time. You can’t change the code. The tables involved desperately need an index in order to go faster, and they’re your biggest performance bottleneck. Enter DDL triggers. Regular DML triggers fire when you insert/update/delete rows in a…

How to Add Nonclustered Indexes to Clustered Columnstore Indexes

March 25, 2014

clustered columnstore, columnstore, sql 2014

Bad Idea Jeans, Columnstore Indexes, Indexing, SQL Server

SQL Server 2012 introduced nonclustered columnstore indexes, but I never saw them used in the wild simply because once created, they made the underlying table read-only. Not a lot of folks like read-only tables. (Bad news, by the way – that limitation hasn’t disappeared in 2014.) SQL Server 2014 brings clustered columnstore indexes, and they’re…

Top Classic Country Songs for SQL Server DBAs

March 4, 2014

Brent Ozar Unlimited Team

“I Shot a Server in Reno (just to watch it die)” Johnny Cash “AlwaysOn on My Mind” Willie Nelson “WASD, Don’t Take Your Single Thread to Town” Kenny Rogers “Transactions in the (Replication) Stream” Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton “Stand by Your Maintenance Plan” Tammy Wynette “Ring Buffer of Fire” Johnny Cash “Your Deadlockin’ Heart”…

Bob Dylan Explains TempDB (Video)

December 5, 2012

Humor, TempDB, Videos

bob dylan, tempdb

How many files must a TempDB have before it’s allowed to be fast? How many table variables must a server walk down before it’s considered a table? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, and Bob Dylan will share it with you in this 25-minute video – hopefully you can understand him.

Learn to Speak DBA Slang

October 4, 2012

Ever wonder what those big-company DBAs are saying when they start busting out the cryptic terms? Learn the slang of database administrators with this handy reference guide. Wizard of Oz – admin who makes everyone think things are automated, but he’s really just duct taping things together. “The executives think we’ve got a reporting dashboard,…

Troubleshooting the Top Five Waits Occurring in SQL Server DBAs

October 1, 2012