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French makes everything sound so sexy.

Brent Ozar
Humor
16 Comments
Even error messages: Transact-SQL SELECT * FROM sys.messages WHERE language_id = 1036; 12 SELECT * FROM sys.messagesWHERE language_id = 1036; Produces: Talk dirty reads to me These sound better than anything I would ever write in a romantic letter: “SQL Server a détecté une corruption de mémoire matérielle dans la base de données « %1! », à l’ID…
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Do Variables Exist?

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
13 Comments
I know, I know I swore I’d never talk about variables again. Then I ran into some funny business. Maybe it was quite as funny as the Temp Table Ghosts, but hey. What’s as funny as temp tables? It’s in your heaaaaaaaad If I run this, what do you think will come back? Transact-SQL IF…
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Answering Questions For Fun And No Profit

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
2 Comments
I love answering questions about SQL My forum of choice is dba.stackexchange.com because I find the voting and point system with badges for being a decent internet person addictive. If you like more traditional forums, SQLServerCentral.com has a lot of really smart people on it as well. When I post questions or answers, I try…
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The Ghosts of Temp Tables Past

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
18 Comments
True story You may find it hard to believe, but I recently had to fix a small bug in sp_BlitzCache and sp_BlitzQueryStore. Since both stored procedures have similar functions, they also share some temp table names (mainly the ones for parsing down XML nodes to more manageable chunks). In the window where I was making…
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Brent Ozar attacked by bear

What If Week: What Would You Look At First?

Brent Ozar
Humor
7 Comments
For this week’s What If series, we’re exploring what would happen if you had access to SQL Server’s source code – like if you got a job at Microsoft, signed a partner NDA, if the code leaked, or if it went open source. Today’s question is, “What would you look at first?” Brent says: I’d…
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How to Drop All Your Indexes – Fast

Brent Ozar
Bad Idea Jeans, Indexing
25 Comments
Sometimes I need to reset stuff during performance training classes. I know some of you teach classes, too, and some of you just like doing crazy stuff. So here you go, a stored procedure to lose weight fast: DropIndexes for SQL Server 2016 & Newer Transact-SQL CREATE OR ALTER PROCEDURE dbo.DropIndexes @SchemaName NVARCHAR(255) = 'dbo',…
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Live Blogging: Erik vs. PowerShell

Erik Darling
Humor
42 Comments
Oh, hey, happy Saturday First, I’d like to apologize to Conor Cunningham for the blatant theft of a blog title. That’s what you get for not posting in three years (like the desert miss the rain~). Why am I here? Why am I writing PowerShell, my sworn enemy? I do it for you. I’m trying…
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There’s Something Funny About Variable Assignment

Erik Darling
Humor, SQL Server
, ,
35 Comments
Guess who I’m going to give you three queries, and you have to guess what the output will be before you run them. Here they are: Transact-SQL DECLARE @DatabaseName NVARCHAR(256) = N'' SELECT @DatabaseName = d.name FROM sys.databases d WHERE d.name = 'master' AND compatibility_level = 130 ORDER BY d.database_id PRINT @DatabaseName SELECT @DatabaseName =…
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