Defragmentation Proven to Completely Fix Performance Issues

SPRINGFIELD – Local systems administrator Jackie Toole was carried through city streets today on the backs of ecstatic Acme Tooling employees.

For months, Acme’s accounting department had complained of slow performance in their payroll application. “Saving a new hire took minutes, and we had no idea what was going on. Jackie did something, and next thing you know, everything was just blazing fast. It was incredible!”

Fellow admin Marianne O’Reilly took a moment out of the parade to say, “We’d been throwing hardware at it left and right, from a terabyte of memory to a huge new solid state storage device. We just couldn’t crack the problem. Jackie just nailed it right away with that defrag. Even the worst database queries just fly now!”

In related news, local training schools have suffered a dramatic decrease in enrollment as word continues to spread that programming quality just doesn’t matter.

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