Defragmentation Proven to Completely Fix Performance Issues

SPRINGFIELD – Local systems administrator Jackie Toole was carried through city streets today on the backs of ecstatic Acme Tooling employees.

For months, Acme’s accounting department had complained of slow performance in their payroll application. “Saving a new hire took minutes, and we had no idea what was going on. Jackie did something, and next thing you know, everything was just blazing fast. It was incredible!”

Fellow admin Marianne O’Reilly took a moment out of the parade to say, “We’d been throwing hardware at it left and right, from a terabyte of memory to a huge new solid state storage device. We just couldn’t crack the problem. Jackie just nailed it right away with that defrag. Even the worst database queries just fly now!”

In related news, local training schools have suffered a dramatic decrease in enrollment as word continues to spread that programming quality just doesn’t matter.

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25 Comments. Leave new

  • Kevin Fries
    April 1, 2015 9:58 am

    Truncate table works wonders on systems. Even the worst queries take no time at all.

    • James N. Rzepka
      April 1, 2015 10:55 am

      We found the same results! We figured, why not, that’s what backups are for, right?

      • Kevin Fries
        April 1, 2015 1:41 pm

        After the truncates, I’ve found that backups and subsequent restoration of those backups are very quick. You can even store a lot more of them them on disk too. It’s win-win! Along with the make_sql_faster = TRVE parameter, you’ll have the users flooding to your door to pay you the tribute you deserve.

        • James N. Rzepka
          April 1, 2015 1:43 pm

          Your backups are smaller? Clearly you don’t have TDE turned on. Aren’t you worried about security?

          • Kevin Fries
            April 1, 2015 2:10 pm

            After truncating all the tables, I run the backups with compression and a password. Nobody can read them as the password of ‘1’ will never be guessed.

    • This caused problems for me. The query is now returning no rows. Is that supposed to happen?

    • Plus, if you grant everyone sa rights, anyone can run the truncate as needed.

  • Dat Comic Sans…

  • Drop database solves performance issues. 🙂

    • I’ve always found that deleting all users from using the system tends towards the best performance improvement. Maybe that’s just my environment.

  • More pay has also been proven to fix performance issues!

  • Hah! Awesome prank!

  • Even if it is only for April Fools’ Day, this theme is a crime against humanity 🙂

  • Your website is SO PRETTY today!

  • First of all, I thought the site was hacked because of the new colors and design and then I realized what day it is =)

    This is a prank, right? I believed it until I got to reading the comments.

  • I also thought that the website has got hacked, specially when I saw the counter is just going scrolling up and down. I even tried googling if there was any news about the hacking 🙂 :).

    Nice prank, although the theme is really weird.

  • Defrag has the added benefit of updating statistics. I’ve seen more performance problem solving due to poor statistics than fragmentation.Either way, thanks for sharing your adventure!

    • Bones4tuna – uh, actually no, defrags don’t update statistics. Only rebuilds do. And note the publication date on this post for a little more enlightenment.

      • Steve Mangiameli
        April 9, 2015 1:43 pm

        Oh man…didn’t see the date. I implemented everything on this thread…so fired 🙁

  • I bet you’re worried about your index fragmentation… And I bet you’re wasting your time, missing the real point…