Now that Microsoft has announced that SQL Server 2022 is coming, it’s time for us to talk about a shameful truth:
SQL Server doesn’t sell itself.
Remember when everybody was talking about how MongoDB was Web Scale™? Or when Oracle was Unbreakable™? Even if you were making fun of it, the point was that you were talking about it, and that’s a buzz that SQL Server just doesn’t have.
I believe that you, dear reader, have the answer. I bet that you can come up with a snappy slogan. (The best I could do was “No one out-SQLs the Server,” and let’s be honest, that’s not really good.)
This week, while you’re learning about SQL Server 2022’s cool stuff in all the free training sessions, think about how we can market this thing and sell the heck out of some licenses.
Leave your best slogan in the comments before Saturday morning. Saturday morning, I’ll close the comments down, pick my favorite entries, and publish ’em in a post on Monday. My 3 favorite entries will win a Level 3 Bundle with a Live Class Season Pass, Recorded Class Season Pass, Consultant Toolkit, and SQL ConstantCare.
I’ve got a full cup of coffee here. Make me spit it on my monitor, people.
304 Comments. Leave new
SQL Server doesn’t need buzz, it usually works.
You’re a loser, and I’m not talking about the contest, either.
SQL Server 2022: Another version? Don’t feel blue, just re-Azured…
Brent – that’s a really interesting comment.
SQL server 2022 – more Aliens, less reloaded Matrix!
SQL Server 2022 – it’s still “next-next-finish-awesomeness”.
SQL Server 2022 – now with more JSON!
HAHAHA, now with more JSON, nice.
OMG I love it!!!
SQL Server 2022 – We added some new things but left all the broken things you’ve come to love
The truth hurts…
LOL I feel this in my soul
SQL Server 2022 – The Linked Server Edition
SQL Server 2022 – 1 Million Plans for 1 Querry
SQL Server 2022 – Maybe Next Time
That’s the nice one! Or maybe like this
“SQL Server 2022: Select from Linked Cloud (powered by Azure™)”
SQL 2022 – YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT OURS!
SQL 2022 – PRESENTING THE NEW SQL 2022 WITH ADVANCED FEATURES THAT YOU REALLY DON’T NEED!
SQL Server 2022 – The best RDBMS for your DDL mess.
ooo, bonus points for rhyming there!
SQL Server 2022 – When your parameters are more sensitive than a dental cavity
SQL Server 2022 – We’re gonna need a bigger plan cache
“We’re gonna need a bigger plan cache” – hahaha, that’s good.
SQL Server Sky edition
SQL Server 2022 – Cloudy with a chance of Seamlessness.
Hahaha, that’s pretty good!
SQL Server 2022: It Just Funds Synapse Cluster!
“SQL Server 2022: Your data checks In, and It don’t check out”
SQL Server 2022: Why not?
SQL Server 2022: Why not everywhere?
SQL Server 2022: When hybrid doesn’t cut it
SQL Server 2022: To your data and beyond
SQL Server 2022: cutting edge data
SQL Server 2022 – NOLOCK Powered by Azure
“It’s 20:22, do you know where your data is?”
“We don’t know too, somehere in Middle Africa. SQL Server 2022: Ignorance is Bliss”
SQL Server 2022 – By Microsoft. Remember us?
DAAAAMN, son.
SQL Server 2022: patiently waiting for the next cumulative update!
SQL Server 2022 – Unmanaged performance
SQL Server 2022 – Unmanaged pleasure
SQL Server 2022: The Migration to a Monthly Azure Bill Wizard
…at least that’s how most of the marketing seems to go…install this on-prem RDBMS that has no end of features designed to get you paying us monthly!
SQL Server 2022 – Because “640K of memory is all that anybody with a computer would ever need”.
hahahaha awesome!
SQL Server 2022 – PETA Edition; Supporting “Programmers for the Ethical Treatment of Azure” One Byte at a Time!
Azure as the day, SQL Server 2022 leads the way.
Azure as they say, SQL Server 2022 saves the day.
Azure as the sun, SQL Server 2022 is the one.
SQL Server 2022 – Confident, confident, (dry?) Reliable and Secure. Raise your hand, raise your hand, if you’re Azure! – SQL Fresh! 😀
SQL Server 2022 – Ah shit, here we go again
Truth
Azure Runner 2022 SQL Server
??? sQUID Game SQL Server 2022
I’ll go even further Brent, I’ll create a low-quality meme on Paint for that juicy prize:
https://imgur.com/EDrGMSc
(you can tell I’m a really busy DBA)
SQL Server, you know you need it.
SQL Server 2022 – Get All Your Synapses Firing
SQL Server 2022 – Snuffing out Parameter Sniffing – “Hasta la vista, baby”
SQL Server 2022 Failover – Let me SQL go back, back, forth and forth …. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0pQjYk9150
Can’t spell my own name… tee-hee… 😛
SQL Server 2022 – if we can’t find it, you don’t need it.
SQL Server 2022 – Mandalorian Edition; It is the way.
It’s like Azure — In a cup!
SQL Server 2022 – we can’t wait to license Epyc 256 cores either.
SQL Server 2022 – Azure or GTFO
SQL Server 2022 – Faster than Brent’s Porsche
SQL Server 2022 – Parameter sniffing part deux
SQL Server 2022 – Query store? More like query more
SQL Server 2022 – Bob Ward’s Big Bad World Tour of the Cloud
Can I vote?? If so, this one is my favorite so far:
SQL Server 2022 – Faster than Brent’s Porsche 🙂
Given what it costs on modern hardware, it oughta come WITH a Porsche. 😉
If you’re good at it a Porsche can come your way……. 🙂
“The even ending version you were waiting to upgrade.”
SQL Server 2022 – Now closer to reading Execution Plans than you are!
SQL Server 2022 – Now travels the unknown paths
SQL Server 2022 – Stolidly traveling down unknown paths
I would go with “The SQL is better than the original”
SQL Server 2022 – at least it’s not Informix.
That’s a low blow.
SQL 2022: Azure is after you
SQL Server 2022, now with automated option recompile
SQL Server 2022 – Will be your version of choice in 2026
SQL Server ’22 It’s out the Whazoo!
SQL Server ’22 All the Soups for you!
SQL Server ’22 Start collecting new CU’s !
Left one out…..
SQL Server 2022, the last on premise db you may use.
Dang….. How about.
SQL Server 2022. Just now upgrading to 2019? It was said to be the next big thing. 13 CU’s and maybe more. What’s 2022 got in store. I think I’ll wait until 2026 and go online where all this stuff is fixed.
SQL Server 2022 – One does not simply “fix” parameter sniffing….
SQL 2022 – Datapress Beyond
SQL Server 2022 is the only sequel that is better than the original….
Love it
SQL Server 2020: The ACID Rockstar!
SQL Server 2022 – C’mon, it costs less than Oracle!
SQL Server 2022 – The future you needed, but we weren’t ready for!
SQL Server 2022 – Where did the time go ?
SQL Server 2022 – Your data can rest Azure’d.
Nice!
SQL Server 2022 – pronounced Twenty-deuce-deuce.
aka, Twenty-doo-doo for short.
This is how I will think of this release forever more. Thank you!
Super Quiet Launch Server 2022
SQL Server 2022 – Because someday you’ll gonna have to upgrade from 2008R2
What’s in your server
SQL Server 2022 – I am reliable, I promise!
SQL Server 2022.2Q now storing more bad plans.
SQL Server 2022 – Kendra’s Query Bucks wont pay for Bill’s divorce.
SQL Server 2022: one version closer to conquer the world
“ SQL Server 2022 – RDS, who?™”
“SQL Server 2022 – Just Bring Your Concurrency!”
SQL Server 2022…The best thing since sliced data.
SQL Server 2022 – You can finally downgrade and bring back on-prem to escape from Azure’s constant tinkering!
SQL Server 2022 – where NoSQL goes to die.
SQL Server 2022 – you’ll migrate here when two more SQL versions come out.
SQL Server 2022 – I can Azure you it’s less then AWS.
I like that last one!
Same lol
Loved the 3rd one…
SQL Server 2022: 16% Less Beef Hooves!
SQL Server 2022 – Where backups are more then just dumps of data
SQL Server 2022 – When being able to debug the linux kernel isn’t your thing
SQL Server 2022: Something Something Blockchain
Just a sticker like Intel had that says SQL Server Inside
SQL 2022 – All your memory belong to us.
SQL 2022 – Just cloud it already.
SQL 2022 – Azure Management Edition.
So smart and sophisticated, you no longer need documentation – Trust Us!
SQL Server 2022 because SQL Server 2016 ain’t getting any younger and maybe you’ll upgrade if the new version is an even number.
SQL Server 2022 – Bigger! Better! Faster! (and still with NTEXT! TEXT! IMAGE!)
SQL Server 2022 – Time to buy new hardware!
SQL Server 2022 – Cloudy with a chance of Azure.
SQL Server 2022: No, It Isn’t Two Years Late
SQL Server 2022: stretches your DBA’s drawers to Azure until he cries!
SQL Server 2022: Another version? Don’t feel blue, just re-Azured…
HAHA
SQL Server 2022 — Assure with Azure.
SQL Server 2022 – We haven’t forced you into Azure, yet.
SQL Server 2022 – RDBMS is here to stay
SQL Server 2022 — Azureific!
Resistance is futile. Your data as it has been is over. From this time foward, your data will service us.
SQL Server 2022: it will make your parameters smell good too! ??
SQL Server 2022: Bring your checkbook
SQL Server 2022….stinks less than previous versions
SQL Server 2022: Because we have to keep this product line alive!
Sql Server – Strong, Scalable, Secure, Stable, and Sensible
SQL Sever 2022 – To the Cloud and Beyond!
SQL Server 2020 – What sunk-cost fallacy?
Oops 2022
Ed – this didn’t win, but I have to tell you it did make me chuckle.
SQL 2022 could be your cheapest and most flexible DR solution
When you don’t need it fancy, when you don’t need it trendy, when you just need it to work – choose SQL server.
SQL Server 2022 has the answers for all of the queries you haven’t thought to ask!
SQL Server 2022 – 3 of a kind beats 2 pair! (a reference to the number of “2”s in 2022 & 2020)
SQL Server 2022: Finally an Intelligent SQL !
SQL Server – Committed to doing ACID the right way.
OR
SQL Server – Paying Cache To Sniff Your Parameters
Well, another one:
When one is too much, another is too little, SQL server is just in the middle matching 90% of your requirement for 10% of the price.
SQL Server 2022: Azure… Uh, finds a way…
SQL Server 2022: Please Don’t Use Database Mirroring Edition
Because two thousand and twenty-two SQuirreLs couldn’t be wrong
SQL Server 2020: COVID-19 Edition
“SQL Server, for when your developers can’t spell DBA, but are going to build a database anyway!”
😛
SQL Server 2022: connects with your pet too!
SQL Server 2022: When you need to get a clue
SQL Server 2022: Azure’s little Deuce Coup
SQL Server 2022: The version for every data Guru
It is a dark time for on-prem DBAs. Although the Stretch Database for tables have been unwelcomed, the Azure troops have captured DBAs from their drunken sleep and pursued them across the SQL Community with Azure certification trainings. Evading the dreaded Blockchain Ledger, a group of tasty beverage lovers led by BrentO has established a new secret techniques of Mastering performance tuning. The “evil” Microsoft, obsessed with indexing all you data, has dispatched thousands of remote Intelligent Query Processing Clippys into the far places that cloud should never reach…
“SQL Server ep. 2022: Azure strikes back!”
the force is strong with this one
SQL 2022 – When You’re *Almost* Ready for the Cloud
SQL 2022 – Because SQL2012 is going out of support soon!
SQL 2022 – Joseph Heller’s RDBMS of Choice
SQL 2022 – When Eventual Consistency Just Won’t Do.
SQL 2022 – Trust Us, You Already Do. (Hear it in Yoda’s voice, you will)
SQL2022, 25 years of takin’ queries and flippin’ bits.
SQL SERVER 2022 – Because we’re not lowering the cost of the licenses.
SQL Server 2022 – Passing Out Query Plans Like Oprah
SQL Server 2022 – Waited an extra year for all this!
SQL Server 2022 – Still won’t rename SSRS to Power BI
SQL Server 2022 – Now with more ways Merge won’t work.
Ha love the first one!
SQL Server 2022 – More SQL than you can handle
SQL Server 2022 – The only sequel you’ll ever need.
SQL Server 2022 – Autonomous™, adapting to the queries you experience
SQL Server 2022: We number a year ahead, but we’re really a decade behind
HAHAHA
SQL Server 2022 – The Key to your Data Estate
SQL Server 2022 – Keep the Lights On
SQL Server 2022 – Transeismic
SQL 2022 – Jumping on the blockchain bandwagon
SQL Server 2022: The version your vendor will ask for by name. In 10 years.
SQL Server 2022 – now with more knobs to turn and more trace flags to twiddle
SQL Server 2022: Just switch to Azure already
SQL Server 2022. It’s what’s for data.
SQL 2022: snooze alarm set for T-minus 3650 days for production upgrade.
SQL Server 2022 – Metaverse – Always Evolving
SQL Server 2022. Corral your data.
Microsoft SQL Server 2022…Coming to you in 2022…Coming to you in 2024…Coming to you in 2026….
Server 2022. Make Data SQueaL like a pig.
SQL Server 2022: JOIN the cloud.
SQL Server 2022 will give you more catch-22
SQL Server 2020 and a better Tomorrow.
SQL Server 2022 and a better Tomorrow.
You won’t want NoSQL when you know SQL (Server 2022)
Good one
SQL Server 2022 – Upgrade today – My Friend says this is the best version ever………?
SQL Server 2022 – Upgrade today – My Friend says this is the best version ever
SQL Server 2022 – Featuring things you didn’t know you needed to distract you from the ones you wanted and we never fixed or added in the first place…
SQL Server 2022$ per core (Standard Edition)
Me: SELECT APPROX_COUNT_DISTINCT(fingers) FROM dbo.Body
SQL Server: 20-22
SQL Server 2022: Don’t get fired for being a VC Valley Hipster.
SQL Server 2022: Not your grandmothers SQL
SQL 2022 – Preparing for the Mother of All Patch 2’s Days
SQL Server 2022: It’s here it’s there it’s everywhere!
SQL Server 2022 – trying to be a rainbow in SQL cloud
Nice!
SQL Server 2022: Turning SQL into magic since 1989!
Yo dawg, I heard you like SQL, so I made a sequel to your SQL so you can Error 1205 : Transaction (Process ID) was deadlocked on resources with another process and has been chosen as the deadlock victim. Rerun the transaction.
HAHAHA
SQL Server 2022 – All your (data)base are belong to us
SQL Server 2022 – this cloud selects stars, not global warming gases!
SQL Server 2022: let the challenge continue…
SQL Server 2022: because we know you didn’t like 2020 and 2021 too.
SQL Server 2022 – If it was reported before we closed Connect, it’s now a ‘feature’
SQL 2022 – Fixing stuff since Azure hosting
SQL 2022 – I Know What You Compiled Last Summer…
SQL Server 2022 It does what is says in the RAM.
When execution plan gets tough, SQL Server 2022 has the right stuff.
When your execution plan gets tough, SQL Server 2022 has the right stuff.
SQL 2022 – So easy, a DBA can do it
SQL Server 2022 – Because “SQL Millennium + Blackjack Edition” (code name MMXXII Toga) didn’t test very well.
SQL Server 2022: Combining AI, crypto, and the metaverse into the only database platform you’ll ever need.
Because, buzzwords, yo.
SQL Server 2022: Clippy, Unchained.
SQL Server 2022: I’m flying towards the cloud!
SQL Server serverless, Beyond the clouds.
SQL Server 2022 – The Sniffer
SQL Server 2022 – Sniffing way to cloud
SQL Server 2022 – Your data, above and beyond!
The long-awaited SQL to SQL Server 2019
SQL Server 2022 – still the first place for new databases
(at least in SSMS right click menu 🙂 )
SQL Server 2022 – Sniffing new invented
SQL Server 2022 – Let the sun shine in the cloud
SQL server 2022 – Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask
SQL Server 2022 – it loves data.
SQL Server 2022 – Now with Dark Mode!*
(*Dark mode not available in SSMS).
Get your Data Ducks in a row with SQL Server 2022 !
SQL Server 2022, now with less “have you tried turning it off and on again” and more “it just works”!
SQL Server 2022: your Azure’s headaches, NOW IN YOUR BASEMENT!
Memento SQL Sever 2022 Semper.
(Always Remember SQL Server 2022).
Audaces SQL Server 2022 iuvat.
(SQL Server 2022 favors the bold).
Leave the gun. Take SQL Server 2022.
HAHAHA
SQL Server 2022, an offer you can’t refuse.
SQL Server 2022 – Availability and Performance everywhere all the time
SQL Server 2022: Now even a better way to store excel spreadsheets
You are on fire today, hahaha.
SQL 2022: Where Developers still use the SA account
HAHAHA, oh, it hurts….
Clippy is a boomer, so…
“SQL Server 2022: meet Rover, the most Azure-enabled dog yet!”
SQL Server 2022: where ADS is a tool at last
I’m such a spammer, you know
“SQL Server 2022: Lag the Cloud!”
“SQL Server 2022: Innovations! Can we please have another slide?”
Make SQL 2022 … your Data Zoo
SQL Server 2022 fixes problems you had never known.
SQL Server 2022, it’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
“SQL Server 2022: Sharded Edition”
I guess they’d have to develop some kind of sharding feature to do this but how awesome would that be.
True active-active to compete with Oracle RAC, Vertica etc. not just off-loaded reads.
SQL Server 2022 Because you’re too scared to change.
SQL Server 2022 Because UNIX is hard.
SQL Server, She Wrote.
SQL Server 2022 – Lets go to the next level
SQL Server 2022 – Parameter sniffing is no more pain 🙂
Wait! Don’t upgrade to SQL Server 2019, I am here … SQL Server 2022
SQL Server 2022 – unPARALLELed in performance, but, A – Zure ( a sure.. ) second in price $$
SQL 2022: ISNUMERIC still doesn’t behave the way you think it does!
SQL 2022 – You still can’t restore a single table like you could with SQL 6.5
SQL 2022 – Paved with Good Intentions ™
SQL 2022 – Fly with the friendly SQL Cloud
SQL Server 2022 Azure Bet Made Better
“SQL Server 2022: Easily stretch your Polybase-linked In-memory Temporal table with Columnstore and Fulltext indexes into Azure Cosmos Arc-Enabled Synapse AKS Purview Lake Edge with Pipelines of Open AI Cognitive Services for ML Databrikcs! (now with windows authentication)”
SQL Server 2022: On-Prem SQL = Azure Prequel
SQL Server? I hardly know her!
“SQL Server: because every company needs an engine”
“SQL Server: get the engine, drive results”
“SQL Server: The most fun product from Microsoft since the XBox”
“SQL Server: Start playing for free, start paying when it get serious”
“SQL Server: The best things in life are free. Unless you need more than 10 GB”
“SQL server: Buy now, wait later”
“SQL Server: Instant Database Server, just add memory and go!”
“SQL Server: Unleash your inner geek”
“SQL Server: As seen on Youtube”
“SQL Server: Just ask a friend!”
or…
“SQL Server 2022: Soon! In a Query Store near you!”
“SQL Server 2022: Get it before it’s hot!”
“SQL server 2022: The sky is no longer the limit, it’s your memory, storage, data connection speed…”
“SQL Server 2022: Pay Purview”
“SQL Server 2022: it’s Track Record is now Immutable!”
“SQL Server 2022, because let’s forget 2020 and 2021 a.s.a.p.”
“SQL Server 2022: Your booster shot for SQL Server 2019”
And maybe…
“SQL Server, because Brent will/can not help you with anything else”… ?
SQL Server 2022: This is the MSSQL Enterprise. Boldly go where no DBA has gone before…..Make it so!
“I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling SQL Server 2022
Everything will be alright if
You keep me next to you” 🙂 catchy slogan i think hehe
SQL 2022: Bringing you performance tunning stars like Brent Ozar!!!
SQL Server 2022 – Nothing to Sniff At!
SQL server 2022: On-Prem? What’s that?
“SQL Server 2022: TempDB latch contention is fixed! (5th try)”
If you’re an older Walt Disney Word fan you’ll get this one
SQL Server 2022: Endorsed by Chairman L.C. Clench of X-S Tech
“If SQL Server can’t be done with X-S then it shouldn’t be done at all”
Everyone should have 20:20 vision, go two better with SQL Server 20:22 🙂
Not your Daddy’s SQL!
SQL Server 2019: Boy, I don’t think next versions can beat me in terms of bugs
SQL Server 2022 (in Clippy’s voice): Hey buddy, hold my beer.
Me: What do you have this time?
SQL Server 2022: We got “turbo powered” multi caching, that can whip parameter sniffing and get you results faster.
Me: Are you sure that’s bug free?
SQL Server 2022: Say what? It comes with a cup holder for your favorite beverage
SQL Server 2022 – We still can’t give you filtered column results in SSMS on the GUI, but hey, we got you covered with multiple query plan storage! We look after the stuff that matters
SQL Server 2022 – We handle your data with care
SQL Server 2022 – An oracle revealed to me you will be better off in the cloud with SQL 😛
SQL Server 2022. From Microsoft – the people who brought you Windows Vista…
SQL Server 2022, the only pandemic you’re ever gonna want.
SQL Server 2022, From the cloud, for the cloud, shall not perish on-premise.
SQL Server 2022 – Sniffing the query store
SQL Server 2022 – Sniffing the query store, so you don’t have to
SQL Server 2022, save the world from sniffing something.
SQL Server 2022: solves, manly challenge your face today!”
(englihs, eh)
Not version specific (:
“SQL Server: Proceed with ConstantCare®”
“SQL Server 2022: cry me an Azure Data Lake!”
If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 2022 problems and parameter sniffing ain’t one ! 🙂
SQL Server 2020 – old bugs in new box!
SQL Server – Start a beautiful relationship
There’s no need to fear sql server 2022 is here.
SQL 2022 Server – When query store performance starts to matter
Maybe could be SQL Server Unlimited hence isn’t limited at least on this galaxy.
SQL Server 2022 – It’s not Oracle
SQL Server 2022 – Get more bang for your buck!
SQL Server 2022
Surreal fervour, trendy, plenty new
SQL 2022: Please hold!
SQL Server 2022 Failover to the cloud – improvements that will get you out of “the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun”.
World is running from artificial intelligence menace. But it’s already here. It’s the defining technology of our time, but it’s human ingenuity that makes it so powerful. Microsoft AI is helping DBAs to adapt to shooting themselves in their knees for decades now, and it’s just the beginning. Imagine the world full of opportunities, wh.e.rE I He.LpEd YoU wRite a prese.ntation, buddy. Now hey heeeey, buddy, wanna make an index?! The future we invent… is a choice you’ll make, buddy!
“SQL Server 2022: you should’ve run faster, buddy!”
Sql Server 2022 – you can select ALL the stars!
Sql Server 2022 – specialist not required!
Sql Server 2022 – you can inject so much sqls in this bad boy
Memory grant feedback! V
CE feedback! V
DOP feedback! V
Users feedb.. hm, nope, here’s a new for y’all, enjoy
“SQL Server 2022: users want what we want them to want!”
Sql Server 2022 – Why yes a room full of chimps CAN create a RDBMS!
I’ll try to be nicer (:
“SQL Server 2022: Powers your Data c?e?n?t?e?r? “
welp, it was strikethrough unicode
SQL Server 2022 : You DON’T need a DBA, promise delivered ( hmm, we think )
SQL Server 2022 : You can put your JSON in there!
SQL Server 2022 : Where nolock is still your preferred performance enhancement!
SQL Server 2022: Now with Cloud Entanglement
From one of Bob Ward’s slide
“SQL Server 2022: Your DR site is foolie-managed!”
“SQL Server 2022: Query Cryptobucks ICO”
SQL Server 2022 – out of rehab, no more sniffing (hopefully!)
“SQL Server 2022: Easier to Fail”
With New Server 2022, Microsoft gives you more ways to fail with improved bi-directional failover to Azure, streamlined failover settings, and expanded Azure HA and DR replicas* for off-site and geo-redundant databases.
*Hybrid failover requires software assurance.
“SQL Server 2022: Meta. Fail.”
SQL Server 2022 speeds and offloads meta data processing with Azure Synapse with near-real time analysis using Transaction Log streams, reducing the need for slow ETL processing. Improved failover and redundancy options meet a wider variety of use cases.
I probably stretched that explanation a bit. Defender for SQL is probably more of an improvement to the database ‘meta’ data features.
“SQL Server 2022: Optimizes Query Plans like an MVP (almost)”
“With NextGen Intelligent Query Processing (IQP), parameter sensitive plan optimization and multiple cached plans, Query Hints in the Plan Store, and Query Store read replicas, Microsoft SQL Server 2022 will handle challenging queries, while you go walk on the beach.”
SQL Server 2022 Party People Edition – Now installing on more RAM than your iPhone!
“SQL Server 2022: Azure-enabled* Performance**”
* network restrictions apply
** work
SQL Server 2022: like Azure SQL, just with different letters.
SQL Server 2022: Because a million rows is not enough!
SQL Server 2022: We still need Brent’s help
SQL Server 2022 – In victory you deserve it, in defeat you need it.
SQL Server 2022 – Eliminating the need for DBA’s
SQL Server 2022 – Eliminating the need for DBA’s
SQL Server 2022 – Not your parents SQL Server
SQL Server 2022 – Finally Over 21
SQL SERVER 2020 – [Begin Sarcasm] Eliminating the need for DBA’s [End Sarcasm]
The acid behind your data indigestion
“SQL Server 2022 – Your first step towards Hotel California”
“SQL Server 2022 – We can’t data-lock everyone, but at least we can try!”
“SQL Server 2022 – Your second most expensive FTP server”
“SQL Server 2022 – because Clippy sniffed new job opportunity”
“NoSQL < NewSQL < SQL Server (2022)"
“SQL Server 2022: I survived worldwide quarantine and all I got is DBCC SHRINKDATABASE WITH WAIT_AT_LOW_PRIORITY”
SQL Server 2022: You’ll be on “Cloud” 9
Red Rover, Red Rover, Get Two-Way Failover
SQL Server 2022: don’t hire smart devs, use Intelligent Query Processing ans QueryStore hints
Worry about your sensitive data? Or about the parameter plans?
– Well Stop! Because SQL Server 2022 is here for the rescue (even for all your sensitive parameter plans).
SQL Server 2022 RTM : Now with multiple plan cache. So, you don’t need Brent’s parameter sniffing class and waste your cash.
CU1: Out of memory error fixed by removing multiple plan cache feature
SQL Server 2022: Select star!
Or just SELECT *
SQL Server 2022: Because something must be blamed for the application not performing.
SQL Server 2022: Because joining data is hard!
SQL Server 2022: Clouds and Replicas, not Smoke and Mirrors.
(I like the announced features, but a little tired of cloud marketing words 😉
SQL Server 2022 – we make it easy for developers with little understanding of relational database to create a hot mess!
SQL Server 2022 – A Sequel!