One-Line Romantic Stories of SQL Server

SQL Server

When they finally sat down to define their relationship, he was stunned to discover that he had a child table.

Her love was like Transparent Data Encryption: sure, he felt a sense of security, but someone else had waltzed in the front door and stolen her heart.


He always knew she’d run away with everything, so he went to the only man who could help in matters like this – the Governor.


“I’d do anything for love,” he said sorrowfully as he denied her attempt to log into production, “but I won’t do that.”

He held her hand in the cafe and said, “Darling, I’m ready to settle down and set my MAXDOP to 1.”

She grew tired of him smoking filtered cigarettes, so she sat him down to have a serious talk about moving from simple recovery mode to full.

When waiting for her reply, even fifteen seconds felt like forever.

He knew all of the undocumented commands to her heart.

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10 Comments. Leave new

  • Oh my, I have to share this with my non-database friends. They always appreciate this type of humor!

  • Nice, can you tell it to us in Mongo…

  • @SQLFunkateer
    August 9, 2013 2:55 pm

    He wanted to start up her heart with the -m parameter.

    “Relationships are built on trust,” she raged, “but you keep running these Profiler traces on me!”

    “I love you even more today than when you had the same size and settings as the model database.”

    “Look, stop crying, it was JUST IN TEMPDB!!! IT DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING!”

    “If you don’t care about me, then fine…but just think what we are doing to the orphaned users!”

    “What is this?!! IS THIS A LINKED SERVER? I thought you only loved MY data!”

    Perhaps I am striking a darker note… 🙂

  • He hadn’t noticed her growing in size since it was incremental, but she was larger now and he loved her all the same.

  • She wanted to show me the contents of her Login Auditing, but I said, “less history, more mystery.”

  • A DBA walks into a bar, and sees two tables. She asks, “Mind if I JOIN you?”

  • Their relationship was unforced. It was like an adolescent’s dream of what love should be like; unfettered by constraints. But by the time he looked her up, she had left.

  • Cringe!

  • Steve Thompson
    August 21, 2013 3:02 pm

    He thought their relationship was solid, until the day that Paige split.

  • DBA’s… we take commitment seriously.


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