Use “We” Not “You”. #tsql2sday
For T-SQL Tuesday this month, Louis Davidson suggested we give our past self some advice.
I’d tell myself, “Use ‘we’, not ‘you’.”
For years, when I gave advice, I’d say things like:
- “You’re doing A, when you should really be doing B instead.”
- “Your code has a problem right here.”
- “Your network settings are wrong, and you should change them to this instead.”
The very word ‘you’ sets up a confrontational tone that puts the recipient on the defensive. They can’t help but react by taking things personally. We’re just humans, meatbags of emotion.
Instead, use words like ‘we’ and ‘our’ that group us together. We’re on the same team, and our common enemy is technology. Dagnabbit, technology sucks hard. It’s always out to get us, to make our lives miserable, to refuse to work the way it says it’ll work in the manual.
Once we (see what I did there) get started using the term ‘you’ early on in our careers, it’s a really hard habit to break. I know that, because I’ve been trying to break it for years.
I do use the term ‘you’ a lot in blog posts and videos that are purposely designed to be confrontational and drive engagement. That’s on purpose. However, when I wanna give advice to someone on my own team, I try to remember that we are indeed on the same team, and I need to communicate that by using the word ‘we.’
26 Comments. Leave new
Never (unless you need to for some specific purpose) make things personal.
• “A is what is happening, when B should be happening instead.”
• “The code has a problem right here.”
• “The network settings are wrong, and they should be changed to this instead.”
As a DBA, I usually do need to use the term “we” to denote that it’s our problem as opposed to the vendor’s, the cloud provider, the network provider, etc.
Fantastic advice. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt and using words that are deferential instead of accusatorial make things so much easier to have a conversation with!
I tend to use self-deprecating words and humor to lower the pressure and it works great as well.
Thanks again for the great reminder.
My pleasure! Glad you liked it.
Great start to effective communication. Here are other examples using the definitive article…
“The process/code is doing A when it should really be doing B instead”
“The code has a problem right here”
“The network settings are wrong, and should change them to this instead.”
Blame is not assigned, individually or collectively.
You should – uh, I mean, we should – check the previous comments as to why that doesn’t always work.
WINK WINK
Ah…”we” didn’t see that one.
Totally Agree…. YOU is confrontational not helpful.
Yes YOU is confrontational and not helpful
I used to really alienate people with my bluntness. Not a great way to build business relationships. I used to tell people “That will never work,” I have learned instead to say, “I think a better way might be…”.
When someone details an issue that I know is impossible, instead of “That couldn’t happen that way” I say “That’s not what I would expect, let’s explore this a bit more.”
I have frequently had people request my assistance, then keep working the problem (frantically typing away) while I am trying to explain how to research and fix the issue. I used to get angry and say something on the order of “Do you want my help or not?” A much better approach is “You appear to still be trying things, let me know after you are done if you still need my help” and then I walk away. Nine times out of ten they stop me and ask for immediate assistance.
When I was young, I would fixate on the issue and ignore the person. Over time I learned that working relationships can be more important than an immediate fix.
Of course, when the cage is open and the alligators are coming out, I’m not worrying about your feelings. I am going to shoot the alligators that got loose and slam the gate shut.
Great points! Yep, when the alligators are out and I’m positive of what the problem and solution are, I’ve been known to say, “If it’s okay with you, let’s do X, and when the app’s back up and the users stop screaming, I’ll talk about my decision process. Or, we can talk through it now – I’m fine either way – your call.”
Depending on our track records with each other, the different personalities in the room sometimes just go, “Yeah, do it.”
I like that.
This is awesome. In a similar vein, avoiding using the word “just” on technical topics and tasks can really help team dynamics, especially if you aren’t well aware of the underlying details. It also trivializes what may be a complex task.
I agree 100%. In fact, I was recently speaking with a friend about taking this very thought even further, using the word “we” instead of “they”.
For example, “They should fix those potholes” makes it sound like it’s someone else’s problem entirely. “We should fix those potholes” gives you ownership in the problem, which you have as a tax payer, paying to maintain roads. I believe this does a better job of fostering a connection to our community and government rather than enforcing and perpetuating an us vs them mentality. “We” are the government and “we” should fix those potholes. 🙂
Absolutely! I couldn’t agree more. Ultimately, we’re all (or we should all be) on the same side trying to achieve a common goal, whether that be fix an issue, or design/build a new system etc.
Very well said, Brent. We often forget how effective good communication can be for all parties involved. This is a great reminder. Brian Leach, great suggestions!
This is good advice to avoid the immediate escalation to turning confrontational, but I don’t think this is always the best advice. Sometimes “we” leaves ambiguity as to who is ultimately being held accountable and who is responsible for making a correction. “You” might not be the best choice for a first conversation, but in subsequent steps it’s often needed to make it clear that one individual is the “we” and not “me”. It can help avoid the, “Oh someone else in the ‘we’ group will take care of it since they didn’t specifically say ‘you/me’.”
Good point. And I don’t like “we” used instead of “I” when someone is presenting an idea, unless that idea was previously agreed to by everyone involved.
Very good. Thanks Brent!
Totally agree. I have been using “we” for as long as I can remember.
Great advice Brent. Another gem I have learned is never say the word “but” when giving feedback as that immediately makes the feedback negative. “And” sets up positive, forward-looking feedback. For example, “That was good, and going forward, lets do this” will be received more positively than “That was good, but, this would have been better”.
An “Us and Them” culture is never conducive.
Oui 🙂
totally agree.
Irrelevent where we are in the Tech landscape, people are what make things or break things – its all about the people in the end
Also don’t say “a problem” – say “an opportunity”. So I shoulda say to my friend that we have an opportunity with alcohol!
We agree
We see what we did there