In my consulting work, I often find myself saying the same things to clients - but they're not the kinds of things I said when I was a database administrator. I call these "Consulting Lines", and I talked through 'em:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCA0Oz-uk-s
For T-SQL Tuesday this month, Louis Davidson suggested we give our past self some advice.
I'd tell myself, "Use 'we', not 'you'."
There's a fine art to running a productive meeting, keeping the discussion focused and scoping things tight to meet your scheduled finish time. Today's consulting lines post is about keeping people happy while still finishing meetings on time. Let's join a troubleshooting session where I've been brought in to help a client whose AlwaysOn Availability Groups are failing…
Some of my consulting lines are all about context. Let's just jump right into a project kickoff meeting with an architect and a few developers:
The Conversation
Me: "So, what pains is this SQL Server having?"
Phil I. Buster: "When I first started out here, we had SQL Server 2005. The app only had a couple of users back then, so as we added functionality, we decided to keep the business logic in the database. It wasn't too bad at first - "
This has grown to become one of my favorite consulting lines. I don't use it often, but used judiciously, it's a lifesaver. I use it a few different ways: Using This Line at the Start of the Meeting If you know in advance that the organizer (or some of the attendees) tend to ramble on…
Before I became a consultant, I was on the other side of the conference room table - we would bring in consultants, and I'd be amazed at all the cool lines they whipped out. Now that I'm the one giving advice, I like sharing some of my favorite consulting lines that you can use in…
I have to deliver a lot of bad news. It's pretty much my full time job. Nobody calls us when things are going well. (Well, they tweet us, because that's free.)
Sometimes, that bad news is very dangerous - especially for the company as a whole, or its customers.
SQL Server isn't lonely, but it needs a dog. In today's Consulting Lines series post, I'll share my very favorite consulting line of all - one that makes people laugh while illustrating a point.
The Situation: Bob the Button Basher
My Blitz script helps me quickly spot SQL Server settings that have been changed from the default values. I always work with the client's staff in the room, and when I see a changed setting, I turn to them and ask:
The problem with being a Microsoft Certified Master is that people come running up with Master-level questions. I field a lot of very advanced questions completely out of the blue, and I can't help but raise an eyebrow.
Deckard: "After answering forty-two questions from the Voight-Kampff test, what's the pupil size of a Nexus-6 replicant?"
My favorite engagement is when I'm brought in to help a good person who's overwhelmed. The manager knows his DBA is smart, but the DBA is just flat out overworked. Too many developers are slinging too much code on too many servers, and there's too many signs of smoke. The manager asks the DBA who he would pick if he could pick any SQL Server guy in the world to help out, and my email goes to Inbox Plus One.
Companies don't bring me in when things are going great and everything's working flawlessly, oh no. As a consultant, I've seen lot of ways that things can fail. If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one around to see it, the owner's probably going to call a consultant afterward to find out…
One of the cool things about working with an established product like SQL Server is that there's a ton of knowledge out there. The intertubes are chock full of advice about how to manage all kinds of problems.
Unfortunately, some of them are flat out wrong.
We nicknamed one of our favorite project managers "The Bus Driver." She didn't throw people under the bus herself, but she ran over many a reputation. If you didn't know what you were doing, you didn't want to be anywhere near her bus route, because she wasn't hitting the brakes on her project for any reason whatsoever. I loved her to death because she was predictable, and I knew what I was doing.
For us geeks, the hardest part about consulting isn't the technology. Technology's easy. I know when I poke SQL Server a certain way, it's going to respond a certain way. That part of consulting is predictable and reliable.
The hardest part is the people.
When someone's got boogers hanging out of their nose, they want to hear about it in the most subtle way possible. Blurting out, "Hey, dude, you've got a booger hanging out of your nose!" won't win you any friends. Sure, people will laugh, but they're not just going to be laughing at the guy diving…
