Clunky
As my favorite monkey likes to say, the hardest things do with computers are:
1. Naming things
4. Asynchronous processing
2. Cache invalidation
5. Off by one errors
Things are tough for Microsoft, too.
Take “the optimizer” for instance. It’s based on something called the Cascades Framework.
No one wants to say “Cascades Framework”, so they just call it “The Optimizer”.
Not to be confused with “The Storage Engine”, or “The Cardinality Estimator”.
Like I said, clunky.
Friendly Name
I’d like to give The Optimizer a friendly name.
I mean, aside from Paul.
Think you have a good name for it? Leave a comment!
We’ll pick our favorites, and maybe you’ll win something.
Unless you’re in Europe.
Brent says: You’ll definitely win something.
69 Comments. Leave new
Optimus 🙂
+1
Statistics McQuery Pants
Statto
Seekwell
Norm
How about “Entry Level DBA Locator”?
we are fans of this…me and my junior/apprentice DBA
Query McQueryFace
QOp (pronounced “kwop”
Dr. Querybucks.
Indy – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YyBtMxZgQs
Stardust
Optimize Prime
‘Mizer. Why?
* Deals in Query Bucks™
* Is stingy about it
* Can make your life unpleasant
That’s…actually quite good on a bunch of levels. Nicely done.
Argus Panoptes
It has a rather distressingly invasive view of the data…
Destiny 2 reference? 🙂
Codd Stats – The Query Bucks Economist
Query Bucks Economist! Wow.
+1
Lucifer
Dex
or Bex (from a beer when it going wrong)
The Cortex
HAL 9000, or just Hal for short.
It’s smart, but not perfect, sometimes has a mind of its own with directives not in line with any sane DBA and if you cross it, it will murder your performance.
Optavius
Optavius, hahaha, I laughed out loud at that one.
This is a tough one. It’s hard to draw inspiration from pop-culture, because a character that makes things more efficient isn’t necessarily super-interesting. I mean, there’s “Donna” from “Suits”. But she doesn’t get things wrong sometimes (like the optimizer will).
The optimizer is all about “good enough”. So how about “Bart”.
Or “Babe” as in “that’ll do pig”
American Idol judges come to mind: “I liked the sort choice, but that parallelism was a bit too pitchy”
Hmmm … I’ve got nothing. Looking forward to what others come up with.
… Optimizer Rackham maybe.
I like OptiMazer Rackham.
“I am your enemy, the first one you’ve ever had who was smarter than you. There is no teacher but the enemy. No one but the enemy will tell you what the enemy is going to do. No one but the enemy will ever teach you how to destroy and conquer. Only the enemy shows you where you are weak. Only the enemy tells you where he is strong. And the rules of the game are what you can do to him and what you can stop him from doing to you. I am your enemy from now on. From now on I am your teacher.”
Bort.
When warming up and trying to get in tune before rehearsal, our ensemble director would finally decide “it’s close enough for jazz” so I would go with the name Jazz.
How about River?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehDU-S2Jrfs
There are a lot of good ideas already, but if really need to name the optimizer (or rather, REname as it already has a name: the optimizer) – okay, if we really need to rename the optimizer, I’d go for Spock.
Why? Because both show that purely logical thinking doesn’t always result in the best possible result.
(BTW, typing this on my phone and its autocorrupt insists on changing that name to Shock. Also appropriate.)
I can see Spock saying, “That would not be logical.”
However, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.”
“Stuart Smalley” – Your query plan is good enough, it’s smart enough, and doggone it, people will like it!
Hahaha, I loved that character.
QuantumQueryQuantifier
Sheldon, because its really clever, quite quirky and loves to point out you were wrong.
HAHAHA, that’s pretty good, actually.
Bazinga!
Definitely Heisenberg or Gödel.
Schrödingerizer.
Your query is both alive and death until it runs.
HA!
Love it
I’d vote for Mizer. That just product chuckle to my sole.
Most appropriate!
“Cash Me Optimize, How Bah Dat”
Theseus
Pinto.
Generally works fine. Until it blows up.
Excellent.
ItDependsimizer
Krusty: “it’s not just good, it’s Good Enough.”
How about “Flirtin’ with disaster” ????
Moriarty
What about ‘SSO’ (SQL Server Optimiser).
This could join the other 3 letter acronyms where you have to work out which one they are on about…..
Is he talking about Single Sign On or the SQL Server Optimiser? (The answer is usually who cares…. 😉 )
Confabulator
How about “Process Everything Recursively Validate Estimated Retrieval Time”?
“JustinBieber”.
For whatever reasons, included no shame if it fails.
Or “Tommy”.
“That deaf dumb and blind kid, sure plays a mean pinball”
HODOR!
The artist formerly known as “The Optimizer.”
OPIE. Opie the Optimizer.
Americans of a certain age associate Opie with the character played by young Ron Howard in “The Andy Griffith Show”. Opie was a well meaning kid who didn’t always get it right, and said things like “Aw, Shucks”. Which is what I feel the optimizer is trying to say when it times out and gives a crap plan.
Lucy. At first it was quite primitive, like pre-Hominid Lucy. But it keeps improving, like the ScarJo movie version Lucy. But every so often it just gets confused and cries “Waaaah” like the I Love Lucy version.
Bonus: Lucille Ball = redhead; Error message that the optimizer failed trying to create a query plan = red text in SSMS. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
“Your mom”. Needless to say this will lead to many funny looks and troll type conversations 🙂
I’m breaking my silence on this thread to say that you are definitely going to win something.
DOP8
Drunk Optimizer Pants 8
Dark Matter – Predictions exist, but trying to figure out if they are right is hard work.
Querythulhu
* Has a Cult.
* Immensely powerful, gigantic, and tentacly.
* Otherworldly – defies human reasoning.
* Inspires horror or not insanity to those who face it.
Captain Querk
HA! That’s good.
It’s smart, but not perfect, sometimes has a mind of its own with directives not in line with any sane DBA and if you cross it, it will murder your performance.