Why I Mention My Sexuality and Gender
I certainly don’t discuss it often, and it’s been a few years since I wrote about my pansexuality. I hope you’ll forgive me for talking a little about it today. I promise not to make it a habit.
A friend of mine recently asked me privately, “Why would people ever talk about their sexuality publicly? And why do you? Why wouldn’t you just keep that quiet?” It was a really good question, and I was happy to answer it – and I realized I should probably share it publicly, too.
Reason #1: to put a face on “the enemy.”
I’ve had friends & family who have gotten programmed by some media sources. I have actually heard people I know – family included – say things like “trans athletes are a real problem we should focus on” and “drag queens are trying to program our kids.”
Me being out of the closet means that I can send a gentle reminder. You know me. You’ve read my work, you’ve watched my presentations. You know I’m not a bad guy, in the grand scheme of things, and I’ve certainly never tried to convert you to anything. (I do wish you’d ease up on the foreign keys, though.)
When someone tells you that the LGBTQ+ crowd are all the same, and that they’re your enemy, hopefully you can connect the dots and realize that no, someone’s sexuality doesn’t make someone the enemy any more than hair color does. There are LGBTQ+ folks you like, and some you don’t. There are some with an agenda, and some without – just as there are some straight people with an agenda, and some without.
I read the same news you do. These days, the LGBTQ+ community is an easy target for those looking to sow division and hatred. It’s easy to vilify people that you don’t know, and I know many of y’all don’t have close LGBTQ+ friends. (And that’s totally okay!) When you see a talking head vilifying the LGBTQ+ crowd, I hope my image pops into the back of your mind and you pause to think, “Wait, is that person saying Brent is the enemy? Because I know Brent, and I don’t think he’s the enemy. He seems kinda normal. Well, relatively speaking.”
Reason #2: to be visible for the next generation.
I know there are LGBTQ+ folks in the audience who feel alienated. They look at the data community’s blogs, YouTube channels, and conference lineups and think, “To be famous in the database community, you have to be an old, straight white guy.” (At first glance, I look like that myself!)
By mentioning it every few years, I can send a quiet reminder to the LGBTQ+ community to say there’s a path for them up onto the stage, and that getting up here has nothing to do with your gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, or age. Anybody can succeed in this community if they’re willing to put in the work.
If you want to ask me questions, feel free!
I promise not to judge you or get angry, no matter the question. (I don’t make that promise about database questions, ha ha ho ho.) Any question that comes from a good place is welcome. Don’t feel guilty if I don’t respond right away – I’m out in Iceland on vacation this week.
You can leave a comment on this post with a fake name/email, or post a question on Pollgab with a fake name/email. If you’d rather ask it via email, you’re welcome to email me at BrentO@BrentOzar.com too, whatever works best for you.
If you feel compelled to send me trolling or hurtful words, that’s okay too. I’m old, I’m secure in my self-image, and those kinds of things don’t bother me. I hope you eventually find peace and happiness because life is too short to waste. Get out there and have a good time doing your thing, whatever your thing is, and if you’re not sure what your thing is, you’re probably a furry, and that’s cool too.
97 Comments. Leave new
Will you have a position on Palestine and Climate Change next week?
Can’t we be here about Sql Server?
Oh, Come on.
Re-read the very first sentence.
Then re-read it again.
Seriously? You actually think that you should tell anyone what to write and what not to write on his own site?
For one “Steve,” there is a thousand “Not Steve’s.” I’m not Steve (thank God)! Steve only uses people to get what he wants and doesn’t care about others… kinda like…. Oh never mind.
Brent, I appreciate you caring enough to speak up. You’ll always find support in the people who realize you’re more than just an overflowing fountain of SQL knowledge.
You have it backwards. The alphabet community is less than 1% of the population.
Do you ever wonder why straight people never come out and say “I’m straight”
Who cares what your sexuality is. We are here to learn SQL
I’m straight, and it doesn’t matter. If you are offended (you knew you would be…), then you should have read the title, said “that’s not for me”, and then moved on.
Furthermore, the “less than 1% of the population” statement is interesting. I don’t know the current percentage, and I suspect it’s higher, but that is irrelevant. Brent is speaking to personal experiences and thoughts.
Actually, depending on the survey/study, estimates put the LGBTQIA+ population at between 5-7%. People never come out and say “I’m straight” because there is a pervasive assumption in society that someone is straight unless they state otherwise.
“Who cares what your sexuality is.” – many of us care and are eager to listen to what Brent has to say. If you don’t care, don’t comment and don’t read the article. Simple.
Have you actually read the post? I think Brent’s earned the right to discuss whatever he likes on his own site. The “alphabet community” as you call it, is currently under attack and fearing for their future, Brent is using his platform to offer support and awareness, and I’m all for that!
I don’t wonder why straight people don’t have to ‘come out’. It’s the same reason why minorities of all kinds need to say that their lives matter.
It’s people like you who are the reason why LGBTQ+ people need to come out.
Gallup puts the figure more at 9.3%. And that’s those who have come out.
You don’t even want to look at the stats for GenZ.
I would have thought people coming here were more data oriented…
Not Steve in this case doesn’t mean you’re in the LGBTQ+ community it just means not a jerk. I really hope the not jerks out number the Steve’s by 1000 to 1 (at least)
Brent: Writes 2 posts in 3 years about his sexual identity
Steve: Spits out pipe in indignation
If only there was something in the post’s title that could have alerted us to its contents. Dammit Brent you dastardly wordsmith.
I laughed out loud at “spits out pipe in indignation” – nicely done.
Same. Brilliant.
I lost it at “furry” and people are looking at me now.
I blame you, Brent. You didn’t warn me in the title that I should not be drinking a lovely beverage while reading. Now I have a mess to clean up! hahaha
Hee hee! I was trying to figure out how to work furries into the post. I need to do that more often, heh.
Hey Steve! You’re a guest here. Learn to behave accordingly.
You must be really upset when Brent talks about cars, gaming and travel on his webcasts.
“Dance SQL Monkey! Shut up and tune queries!”
It is ok, you can admit the real reason you felt the need to comment on this post. It is a “position” for you but not for Brent, he’s sharing part of who he is as a person.
Rude
He talks about his wife often. Yet you never complained once. That makes your real position rather clear.
Maybe. And the cool thing about having my own blog is that I can write about whatever I want.
Ah, it sounds like you’re confused about which web site you’re on. This right here is BrentOzar.com. If you’re looking for posts that are exclusively about what YOU want to discuss, that’s over at SteveScanlan.com. Hope that helps clear things up!
I’ll take “missed the entire point” for 500, Alex.
Brent’s company and site. He can talk about whatever the F he wants to.
Thank you for always being candid and sharing all aspects of who you are with the community. Knowledge of SQL and databases is great and will help your career, but truly making friends and knowing other people and being able to spend time with them in meaningful conversation is what community is about. I always appreciate how much you share with all of us and am very thankful for it! Enjoy Iceland!
I’ll say it too: Thank you SO MUCH for using your position of privilege to openly stand with our fellow LGBTQIA+ folks.
And double-bonus for outlining the reasons so clearly. You’re a dear, Brent. Hugs from afar,
J
Thank you so much for this post and for everything it represents!!
I’m about as cis, straight, white, and male as you can get – but I also have friends, colleagues and loved ones who are not. We all need to be loving and tolerant of differences – not only because diversity makes us stronger, but because we don’t want to be assholes. Some of us, anyway.
Please keep up the great work, and please keep remembering what’s really important in life.
Totally agree with your post.
THANK YOU BRENT!
Thank you Brent! On behalf of all my LGBTQ+ family and friends and all of us literally scared for them in this current climate. Thanks for being brave and authentic.
Brent, thank you for this post. Now more than ever it’s important to put faces on groups that are “other” – as a member of the LGBTQ+ group and several others currently in the crosshairs, I am grateful for your words.
Thanks for sharing Brent! And thanks for using your platform and reach to positively represent a group you care and feel strongly about.
Hope you have a great time in Iceland!
Hell yeah Brent!
Thanks for the post. People need to be open about their situation and not hide in the shadows.
If no one is being harmed and it’s consenting adults I don’t see a problem.
We have short lives, we need to be happy and not judged by others.
I’m “straight” so I don’t know what issues LGBTQ+ face, so we need to listen and change as there is too much hate in the world!
Thank you Brent! Nice to read a sensible post that highlights some of the crazy ideas being pushed out there these days. Your courage to speak truth in the face of this vitriol increases my respect for you even though I’m not part of the LGBTQ group. Thanks again!
Hey Brent, it’s great that you are speaking out about sexuality and gender and offering support to those that are currently feeling fearful for the future. It feels like what’s happening right now in the US is taking your country back decades. Hopeful you come out of this dark period very soon!
Spot on Rob.
When the “It gets better” movement started years ago, it was uplifting to see so many prominent figures speak candidly and openly about their lives – reaching out to young people directly, but almost as importantly showing everyday people that we all have a lot more in common within our lives and aspirations, than differences. In this time of turmoil, it is refreshing to see great people, leaders in their spaces, reaffirming that message. Many thanks!
How could you! Please continue <3
Was so glad to receive this email — not enough is ever said about this non-acceptance problem. I was clueless to your sexuality before this email but reading it just made me respect you more.
Thank you Brent. We see you, we hear you, and you are helping us feel seen and heard. Keep up the great work!
Here’s what I feel is wrong. Would this still be an issue without the political angling?
1. Relegating of who a person is to sex or immutable traits.
2. Political poisoning and exploitation of those traits, to gain or keep power.
3. Politically charging common discussions so as to create good vs evil arguments. Teaching hate of people who disagree, then when you don’t fall in lockstep, you aren’t a real… Whatever.
4. People falling into that trap, happily, parroting what they think gives them the best appearance, instead of forming their own basis of idea.
People take sides and that’s fine. But you need to know why. If I’m asking why a person hates another, I’m not asking you to repeat hearsay or what someone else said. When you do that, you are telling me that you hate because you are lazy, and miserable.
So … Figure out what a person is about before you trash them. If I said I voted for Trump, half of you would scream Nazi. If I voted Kamala, I would be hated in some other way.
America, figure out who you are, and stop chasing shallow appearances. Have a compass. A true North.
Thanks, Brent.
This is great stuff, well done mate.
With all the negativity going on right now it is hard to see the good. Thank you for this and everything you have done for all the communities you help and are a part of.
I had hoped a few years ago the new generation growing up right now that acceptance and openness was going to be the new norm, and I do still hope this, but I also see the repression happening to my friends and my (now 21year old – OMG where did time go) daughter and her friends. Nothing stopped her when I took her out for her 21st birthday to a bar to buy her, her first drink from dressing up more than some people dress for Comicon, so I hope nothing changes there but I also know where we live in the PNW is safer and more open than a lot of areas.
Thank you for sharing this. For those of us who don’t fit the traditional mold of most people in this industry, it’s really meaningful to know we’re not alone, and that it’s possible to be successful. There’s more to us than the sql we write; there’s a whole person back there with experiences and thoughts and struggles, and it’s worth talking about.
Thank you for taking the time and using your platform to share this thoughtful, uplifting message. Sincerely, an old, straight, white guy who enjoys his friendships with people who are just like me and those that aren’t.
thank you for your words, the more this is spotlighted the better, people are people, many different .. there is no normal.. thank you
Thank you Brent! I loved your previous article on Pansexuality. I never really understood it that well previously. You two look like a great couple!
Same and agree! And as someone who regularly searches on “SQL Server **whatever** Brent Ozar” I’d like to say thanks for all your stuff – SQL or otherwise
“For [anyone] up onto the stage, and that getting up here has nothing to do with your gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, or age. Anybody can succeed in this community if they’re willing to put in the work.”
This is fantastic and I love that you share with us. As always, thank you, from a straight, married guy who loves your work and what you do for all.
I had no idea. I missed the post three years ago. Usually when you talk about personal stuff it is related to cars, I usually skip that stuff, cars a boring and dumb. The food, and travel is cool though. And so is this.
I, and many others, have benefitted from your efforts to share your insights into the inner working of SQL Server. And I have mostly agreed with your opinions on SQL Server. I am thankful for all you provide to the community.
I am glad that you feel comfortable sharing. Maybe in a more understanding world you would not have to share. There are people who do not have your confidence, or maybe your sense of security. I imagine for some this will feel comforting, and supportive. Thank you for being so open.
I will continue to follow you, even if you continue to waste time talking about cars.
“By mentioning it every few years, I can send a quiet reminder to the LGBTQ+ community to say there’s a path for them up onto the stage… Anybody can succeed in this community if they’re willing to put in the work.”
Very respectable, Brent.
I thank you so much for this Brent. Your post brought me some sunshine in the dark world we are currently existing in.
Thank you for taking the time to post this.
This is why I wear a rainbow bracelet on my right arm and have rainbow colours on my shoes and have a rainbow watch strap and wear pink and talk about my husband and remind people that I don’t use “he/him” pronouns, because we DO need to talk about it and have conversations about it. We are people, with different life experiences, and ALL of those experiences make up who we are.
You be you buddy. Nobody getting off this world alive. We all end up in the same place. Live life to the fullest. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Thank you for sharing Brent!
Thank you for your post, Brent! Now is sadly the time, at least in the US, where there are those among us that need to be reminded of our shared humanity.
What?? Let up on Foreign Keys? Never!! Normalization is a database’s best friend!! You do not need a table with a 1000 columns that have phone_1, phone_2, phone_999. One should also shoot for as many not null columns as possible. If programmers would use things like default values and check constraints then it would go a long ways on eliminating GIGO (Garbage In Garbage Out).
Well said, Brent. And thank you for speaking up to help put a face on that impersonal acronym in a way that might lead to personal reevaluations by folks who lean into fear or hate.
Thank you, for the whole LGBTQ+ community and all its allies, of which I am one. I know how hard it must have been for my family member in the ‘old’ days (I’m over 65 myself) when such things were not talked about. It was not until I was in my 20’s that I found out my best friend was gay, and in my 50’s when I found out my brother was also gay. And in these times, the visibility and recognition is what we need, not vilification and hatred for no ‘good’ reason. And keep up all the good work, Brent, all of it.
Love this!!
Today, I read your first blog post about this for the first time. Somewhere after the “bit IsFemale not null”, I decided that we can skip gender completely and concentrate on sexuality in our contact apps databases. Then after further reading you stated the same.
Cheers from a cold -10c Sweden! ?
I’m a cis male married to a cis female in a monogamous relationship. Why would I have a right to an opinion on someone else’s sexuality when I certainly don’t care about anyone else’s opinion about mine? More power to you for using your platform to help a minority being actively judged and persecuted for who they are. I would hope that if in the future the roles are flipped in our society that folks like me wouldn’t be suffering in silence but rather standing up and demanding to be treated… like human beings.
?? When people are demonstrating that they give tons of valuable, free information to my technical communities, I for one *LIKE* learning a little here and there about their personal lives, whether it’s their other hobbies, their oddball superpowers, or their family life, even though it has no bearing on my life personally. Scott Hanselman, for example, regularly posts about his other interests, and Jon Skeet regularly posts about his religious life and intersections between that and technology he uses. Keep being a 3D person!
Thank you for the post. I appreciate your candor and willingness to share. I’m sick of the hate spewing from MAGA and their disgusting leader.
Holy crap the last sentence got me, thank you for being an awesome and hilarious person Brent. I hope you have a wonderful day and a great time in Iceland.
I appreciate you, Brent! Thank you for mentioning it, for all the reasons you gave above.
Great post Brent thank you.
It will be interesting to see a follow-up on this post based on people’s feedback. It will be interesting to see if they contain something like : “Brent, I increased my index rebuild frequency twice after your post”
Why don’t straight people keep their preferences quiet? Why don’t men hide the fact that they have girlfriends and wives? Why don’t women refuse to announce their engagement or wedding plans?
Relationships define us. So it’s a horrible double standard to expect heterosexuals to talk about the people in their life while demanding that homosexuals and others say nothing.
I have a LOT of kids- 5 between my husband and me, and variety should be expected. As a mother of a gay son, married in the military and another, an intersex child, who transitioned a couple years ago, I appear to be going for a GOP hate- straight flush, (it is full on war for me at this point…) I’ve watched my children grow up and experienced everything from simple lack of understanding to full-on murderous hate. I’m a protective mother and my neurodiversity makes it difficult to understand why something so personal and obviously biological is so triggering for a percentage of the population. I’m tolerant of others intolerance until it impedes the civil liberties of my fellow citizen. We talk of the small percentage LGBTQA+ is, yet the numbers are greater than that of veterans. We should all feel included and have equity in the society we contribute to.
Beautiful post Brent. Love your good sense and best wishes to everyone
Thanks for the kind words, everybody!
Thanks Brent.
As a parent of a LGBTQA+ person and a loving friend of many I appricate that people are ready to come out and make a stand and make themself visible. Much appreciated
Brent, you are my go-to SQL Server person (although I trust a few others as well). I was surprised at your post 3 years ago on Pansexuality Visibility Day, but so pleased that you trusted your readers enough to let us into your world. I was also pleased — it’s so important that high-profile members of any community show their support for non-white-cis-men (i.e., those with a magic p***s). It just makes me love you more. Thank you for being you. It’s a bright spot right now, which is sorely needed. As an American who doesn’t live in the States and is seeing the current events from afar, I’m terrified that my country will become a place only suitable for the Magic P***s people and that it will never be a place for me and that my loved ones — trans, mixed race, women — will die because of how the country is changing.
No problems here! Glad to see you living the good life.
LOL. Came here to have a quick look at what kinds of comments would be left, first post is from some dude named Steve with the most apt avatar imaginable efficiently checking off all those stereotypical MAGA cliches in under two dozen words. Yup, the world is still full of douches, but at least you’re pushing back, Brent, and it from where I’m standing on the other side of the pond that must be harder now than ever, kudo’s for that!
Thanks for sharing Brent!
I do feel a bit sad that we are in times when the right to be yourself needs to be defended.
I’m waiting impatiently for the time of “meh”, when none of this will matter anymore.
Now, more than ever (seriously, EVER) we need people like you, held in high regard in their respective profession/community, to speak up about topics like acceptance. Thank you for all you do, Brent!
Old, white, cis male, straight, Christian here!
I have a BUNCH of LGBTQ+ friends and family. Love ’em. Many of the family ones are not even out to their parents yet. Because of hate driven by Old, white….
People talk out about and fight against what they don’t understand. Or what is “creepy” to them. And then hide that insecurity behind other things (religion frequently).
Used to be witches, left-handers and red-heads were all evil and to be ostracized or killed outright.
We’ll get there…eventually.
Whatever you are, you seem pretty happy Brent, which is lovey to see. It’s great that you’ve shared things about your private life and widened peoples views, introduced new ides and new places – I particularly enjoy seeing the different places you’ve been.
I feel quite mixed about sharing personal details with work folk – just cos I work with you doesn’t mean you get to know anything else about me. Some of it stems from working in a male dominated industry and not really wanting to draw any attention to things like my gender – it’s never gonna get me nominated for interesting technical pieces if work, but probably will see me nominated for things like arranging the Christmas do or remembering peoples birthdays.
But equally you shouldn’t have to hide who you are because other people will treat you differently. And I’m pretty sure a large percentage of these people who treat you differently, really believe they that don’t.
My experience of the SQL community is that it is an open, inclusive and welcoming place, and that we all have a part to play in that and it’s great to see people feel that they can open up and share who they are.
I have been following you and listening to you for the last decade since I became a baby SQL Server DBA. I remember the first post about this topic, and, at the time, I thought, “ok cool.”. It made no difference to me one way or another then. Now, years later, I have a pansexual grandson, and I see what he may face in the world. Now, I’m thankful that you stepped forward years ago and said this. Listening to you helped me understand him a little better. Regardless of that understanding, I love and accept him for who he is, but I feel I can better listen to him because I started learning from you.
Personally I don’t care what anyone does behind closed doors as long as no one in there is being hurt (which can be quantified such as physical, mental, or emotional abuse to a specific individual not just a blanket fear like “this will harm our children!” which ironically where are those people when it comes to deadbeat dads and people who abuse their partners?) and no one outside of those closed doors are being hurt (e.g. cheating on your partner). What I care about is ARE YOU A GOOD PERSON? DO YOU HURT PEOPLE (REGARDLESS IF IT IS INTENTIONAL)? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE AMENDS WHEN YOU’VE HURT SOMEONE? DO YOU TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE HARMED OTHERS AND THEY SAID YOU DID? Brento, I don’t really care if you’re with Eve instead of Erika or that Eve is biologically male. All 3 of you seem to be happy now and that’s what matters. I don’t think this changed you at all except perhaps becoming more public with your private life. It hasn’t affected your contributions to your clients, SQL Server community, colleagues, friends, family, etc. Only thing I get bothered about is the 99% of your Gucci-laden wardrobe (personally never been a fan of them as they plaster their logo to slap you in the face from every angle), but also I’m not paying your credit card bill either! You don’t make me wear Gucci, I won’t make you wear hoodies & jean outfits, cycling kits, or a swimming bikini (as in one you can actually swim in without the top coming lose and strangling you or nearby fish).
I only care that you’re a nice to others and don’t do any harm. What more can a person ask for ?
Thank you for your support to all.
Thanks for posting this Brent. I’m not in the LGBTQ+ community myself but people I care about are. Sorry there are so many Jerks in this world 🙁
My 3rd reason is also…. Because straight people put their sexuality on display publicly ALL THE TIME.
I’d be rich if I had a dollar for every time I was subjected to a hetero man putting his sexuality in my face by announcing things like, “My wife is out of town, so I’m going to have to do morning school drop off with the kids this week.”
Not to mention the number of cis-hetero weddings that I get invited to. I wonder if they get a lot of people who never respond because they don’t approve of that type of relationship. I wonder if their parents will be there…
As A straight ,SiS Gender, male Christian who understands that Jesus is all about love and acceptance of others. THANK YOU
As a white bald cis male atheist manifestor ally, I support this message. Thank you, Brent.
Blessings upon you, and may all your keys be uniqueidentifiers.
I think it’s great that you share this as people are diverse and I am sure many people look up to you in their profession (assuming they are database people that is).
It’s important to be happy in life and for everyone to be themselves, even Steve.
I’m typing this whilst sitting in an empty hotel restaurant where the news is on a large screen and someone is being beaten up probably for no reason.
There is too much hatred and we should *all* be loving one another rather than hating one another.
Hi Brent. I love your work and sense of humour and what you’ve done for the SQL community.
I do NOT have any problem with your sexuality and I think you’re brave to discuss it openly and challenge the tropes and stereotypes. Kudos to you mate. The world needs more people like you.
Keep doing what you do.
Just came to drop some love and support! Thank you for all that you do! Your teachings have been a huge part of growth in my career.
The success that I have had in my career is thanks, in no small part, to the stuff that I have learned from you. So you be you, and keep on teaching.
Wait, what did I miss about foreign keys? Why do I always feel like I’m two steps behind?
Have you attended my mastering classes? If not, time to catch up!
Brent – in I hope, a good way I hope, I could not care less about your gender, sexuality, hair colour or anything else. As long as you have / are what you want to have / be and it’s not hurting anyone else – that’s great by me. Have a good life and thanks for the SQL stuff
Thanks for the post! I love your blog!
You should live and be well. For many years you have provided great information to the database community with great patience. I rarely read something by you without learning something new.