How to Solve the Environmental Crisis

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I don’t usually get involved with issues like this, but I think it’s time I step in to help.

SQL injection caught on film
SQL injection caught on film

Your SQL Server environment is a disaster.  There’s data spilling out all over the place.  Users are writing bad queries, developers are throwing triggers in all over the place, and your BI team is about to give every mid-level manager a PowerPivot spreadsheet with umpteen gazillion rows in it.

The KILL command in T-SQL just isn’t getting the job done, so I’m working with Microsoft to implement a new command: TOPKILL.

Q: What does it do? A: It puts a stop to runaway queries that are destroying your environment.

Q: How does it work? A: By using dirty reads.

Q: Why doesn’t anything change when I run it? A: You have to wait two days to see results.

Q: Aren’t you the guy who wrote the JUNKSHOT command? A: This one will be better.  Promise.

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