[Video] Talking Pronouns in Alaska
This episode is entirely dedicated to just one question, and it’s not a technical one. MidwestDBA asked, “When Randolph West left Microsoft, you wrote ‘They’re leaving MS’. While it was clearly just 1 guy leaving, not many, so ‘he is leaving’, not ‘they are leaving’. I do think this excessive PC language fuels the far-right globally. An extreme reaction to an extreme phenomenon.” Let’s talk about it.
This is one of them fancy-pants 360 videos, so if you watch the video on YouTube, you can move the camera around to see a nice sunny cruise ship deck.
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Had to pause the video when you said “my spouse” and say congrats! Thank you for everything you do, I always enjoy watching the office hours and reading your content. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer our questions and share your experiences like this. Have a great day!
Awww, thanks! We’ve been married for a few years now.
First chapter
The key is for everyone in the room regardless of your role in the room is “context.” In this environment, the reason we are here is all DB related; Nothing less and especially nothing more. People can make all kinds of abstract comments about anything in the course of discourse. The only things worth responding to, and as you say “polite people” understand that you limit yourself to, are the things that relate to your communal purpose/context.
I have followed you for years – probably more than either of us will easily admit to – and this is the first time I noted anything about your personal intimate life. Not sure I will remember. Very sure I don’t care. Your personal life is simply not part of my context and what I understand as our context.
Second chapter, as you say, is pronouns. Taking the example of Matthew. First, when talking with Matthew I would never use a pronoun. That is weird. Second, his selection of a non-traditional pronoun is something he is saying about himself. Saying I must use this selected (non-traditional) pronoun when speaking of him when he is not present is mandating my word choices and requires me to use terms in a way that may not fit my choice. Great for him that he has them, but as someone who has no relationship with him… so?
Pronouns are nothing more than a convention, a short-hand that makes it less cumbersome when talking to people. They are also dangerously nonspecific. If I am in a place where I am addressing an unknown audience, I will use conventional pronouns. That just makes communication sense. I use pronouns in a way that enables the audience to easily follow what I am talking about. Pronouns are a convention – treat them as they are – convenient short-hand. In my mind, when I see them, I substitute them with the image of the person that is the object of them. Making them more than a place-holder in conversation is silly. Making a big deal about them in our shared context is impolite at a minimum.
So much more to say but I have a series of long running transactions and I need to chase down the source.
Hi! If you’re just now noting anything about my personal life, you can catch up with the past posts here:
https://www.brentozar.com/archive/2022/05/designing-a-data-model-for-gender-and-sexuality-oh-and-also-im-pansexual/
https://www.brentozar.com/archive/2025/02/why-i-mention-my-sexuality-and-gender/
I appreciate you reading those before commenting further. Thanks!
Read them both. As my mother used to say, “How nice for you.” In all sincerity, I am glad you are happy with your life and relationships.
Still don’t see why that should matter to me at all considering my reason for being here. Discussions of sexuality/gender/sex or whatever can be interesting but I still don’t see how that moves the needle one way or another when it comes to issues or reasons it brings me here. 50 years ago I described myself as an “omni-sexual”. Does that matter?
FWIW: In an application I did more years ago than I care to count for a psychological research team, I modeled what you called gender as a series of fields that included outlook, self-vision and modes of expression (broad categories)
Paul – I’m guessing you didn’t watch the video completely. You’ll want to do that before discussing things further here – I explain why it matters to presenters, attendees, writers, and readers in the video. Enjoy!
Thanks for the post, Vanessa.
THEY’RE ALL GOOD DOGS, BRENT
/deepcut
(I just picture Paul as a Vanessa)
(I picture them as a Polly)
(Brent, you’re my hero – LOL)
It’s called professionalism… If you have chosen to be a professional that is in front of an audience, your audience should not be able to tell what your sexual preference is. It should not be thrown in their face, and they should not be forced to call you something you’re not. It should not distract from the reason you are Infront of your audience. That is your personal life… leave it that way. If you don’t like it, choose a different profession. I don’t like wearing business clothing and would NEVER do it when I am not working but, I do it because it is professional and it is expected by my employer and audience. They don’t want to know my sexuality and they don’t care; they want to know about the topic we are discussing. Alternative pronouns are a way to throw your personal life into people’s face when it’s not appropriate.
Shawn – I apologize, perhaps the video wasn’t clear. The usage of pronouns is not about ME.
It’s about the AUDIENCE.
It’s about making THEM feel comfortable, meeting THEM where THEY are.
With that in mind, you may want to listen to it again. If not, that’s okay – it sounds like this is a pretty touchy subject for you. I wonder why that is?
“They” is perfectly grammatically correct. I’m about as right-wing as you can be, and I have never heard anyone on the right complain about something like that. In fact, people that do have a problem with non-binary or trans-gender usually do use “they” as a way to avoid using non-biological gender pronouns. Only people on the left think that right would complain.