Things I Have Not Heard Recently

“No, don’t bother the DBA. It’s probably not a database problem.”

“But it says right here that it worked on my machine.”

“Solid state storage sure is overrated.”

“Thank God for auto-shrink, really saved the day again.”

“We’re not picky – you can apply updates whenever you want, whenever’s convenient.”

“The VM admin said to hold off, he thinks it’s his fault and he’s fixing it.”

“It’s okay, I thoroughly read the documentation on this feature before I decided to use it.”

“No no, I don’t need to be able to query production.”

“Our disaster recovery test went flawlessly again this quarter.”

“I just don’t understand how someone could write better queries than an ORM.”

“Money’s no object when it comes to keeping our staff’s skills sharp.”

“Definitely not real time – this report’s data could be a couple/few days old.”

“We should check with the DBA before we design this.”

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17 Comments. Leave new

  • “Oooh, let’s upgrade to 2016 because then we’ll be able to use stretch database”

  • This server is waaaaaaaay to fast!

  • “Yeah, I recently checked and we are properly licensed!”

  • “I saw those alert messages that the server sent out over the weekend.”

  • Noah Engelberth
    February 5, 2018 12:44 pm

    “I checked Query Store and I can see where my bad code is making this stored procedure time out, you don’t need to recompile any indexes.”

  • The cloud won’t solve our problems

  • Alex Friedman
    February 6, 2018 2:59 am

    LOL @ ORM

    “Yes, of course we’re running fully automated daily restore tests and CHECKDB.”

  • LOL @ORM To add to that “Don’t worry the Latest version of Entity Frame fixes that problem”

  • Henrik Staun Poulsen
    February 6, 2018 12:55 pm

    the DBAs will monitor those databases and ensure that they do not run out of space…

    oh, no, an INTEGER is big enough for that Audit table with IDENTITY(1,1) …

  • “I just don’t understand how someone could write better queries than an ORM.” – that seems like something you would still hear plenty of times? Or am I not getting something.

  • Jonathan Shields
    February 7, 2018 2:21 am

    The ORM one I definitely relate to. You need to be prepared to consider stored procs for the more complex queries.

  • Alexander Gay
    February 7, 2018 4:19 am

    “Your import routine has produced a great, normalised schema.”
    or contrarywise
    “Just import the file as-is, two hundred columns of varchar(250) is fine.”

  • Alexander Gay
    February 7, 2018 4:20 am

    “I don’t think that a columnstore index will help here.”

  • Brian Williams
    February 7, 2018 11:59 am

    I just had this one happen today! “Don’t bother the DBA, we can run DBCC CheckDB Repair allow dataloss on our customers production database ourself”. For a corrupt index id #28 on a table over 1 Tb in size.

  • “It’s cool – I can tell you exactly what permissions this account needs, there’s no need to give it db_owner”.

    • Gabriele Massari
      March 13, 2019 9:45 am

      “It’s cool – I know that we only need db_datawriter permissions on these db. We will NEVER ask for a sysadmin/sa”