SQL Server App Store Reviews

If SQL Server cost $4.99 in the App Store, what would the reviews look like?

Not as good as the Access app – **
By B. Analyst, December 6, 2011
I don’t understand what all the fuss is about.  The GUI in this app sucks.  It’s hard to build reports, and it’s overpriced.  $4.99?!? Save your money and get the free Access app instead.

Secret Performance Hints – *****
By JuniorHacker, December 5, 2011
Go into Settings and check the box for Priority Boost.  If you’re running low on space, check the Auto-Shrink box for each database.  When you need to beat the final level, hit up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start.

No Twitter integration? – *
By Teenagur, December 5, 2011
C’mon, Microsoft, get with it, this app is so Web 1.0, I can’t share my favorite tables with my friends, I can’t post pictures of my schema on Twitter, WTF?!?!??!

THIS GAME SUXXXX – *
By l337, December 4, 2022
adventureworks is boring why anybody pay for apps? stupid

Best Database Ever – *****
By MVP99, December 4, 2011
I’ve built hundreds of rock-solid solutions with this app. My customers love me, and it keeps my bills paid. Thanks, Microsoft!

ADS ARE DECEPTIVE – *
By SingleGuy18, December 3, 2011
App description said it had highly available bis and models on tables, but there’s no pictures of hot chicks or anything, just a bunch of lines and squares.  Wasted that $5.

Good, but needs better graphics – ***
By Reports4Me, December 2, 2011
The graphics in this haven’t really changed since v7.0, and there’s no easter eggs.  It needs like a hot coffee mod or something.

Works for me – *****
By I. Ben-Gan, December 1, 2011
Works mostly as advertised, although it’s not clear whether some behaviors are a bug or a feature.

HELP!!! ASAP!!! – ***
By panic42, November 30, 2011
MY PHONE CRASHED AND I NEED MY DATA. CAN’T FIND MY BACKUPS. PLEASE CALL ME!!!

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19 Comments. Leave new

  • Entertaining post! Captures what I call the “Appstore mentality” perfectly. I think you managed to cover all the stereotypes in the above reviews. 🙂

  • Memory Leak – ***
    By D.B.A.?, December 5, 2011
    App consumes all memory on phone, won’t release without reboot. Please fix immediately.

  • Very funny 🙂

  • Can’t get replication working between my iPhone and Android.
    How do I know if my phone is 64 bit?
    Amazon should do an online bookstore for this app.
    Can I store my CarrierIQ datatypes on this?

  • Not surprising coming from an Apple fanboy. Why anyone would use SQL Server on an iPhone is beyond me. Oracle on my Blackberry has served me well for years and at $50, the Oracle app is still worth it although I hear the SQL Server app is changing their price soon to $45.

    Wake up sheeple!

    • You’re both wrong and both of you are sheeple for “the Man.” Yeah, I know Oracle bought Sun which bought MySQL, but it’s still free and there’s a huge community! MySQL runs fine on both the iPhone and the Blackberry as well as WP7 and is *free* and I believe there is even a version coming out for PalmOS. Why waste your money on overpriced apps with vendors that lock you into their products? Be smartphone agnostic and have a world class DB to boot!

      • I don’t know why Microsoft is wasting their money and time building apps for their competitors platform when they don’t even have a version for their own product.
        How is WP7 meant to gain market share if Microsoft keep investing in Apple platforms?

        • Anyone who’d say that MySQL is great has got to be either evil or stoopid or both. In fact, relational databases in general are stoopid.

          I bet yer granny is like trying to do like an ascending sort or something on her her Sunday School class roster and she’s…

          Oh, and MongoDB is KEWL!

  • Brandon Leach
    December 5, 2011 9:42 am

    I love how you managed to fit in the “konami code”.

  • MICRO$$$OFT WANTS ALL MY MONEY EVEN ON MY TELEPHONE. WE NEED TO OCCUPY MICROSOFT!!!!
    —–
    I think i overheard that at the cooler this morning.

    • Dmitriy Likhten
      December 16, 2011 6:49 am

      I can see that happening. People camped out outside the MS campuus “1% of windows users can afford to hire administrators and not have their computers crash. We are the 99%.”

      To which MS responds:

      “You realize you can get Apple or Linux”

      To which #OMS responds:

      “Yea, but they crash more since we don’t know left from right on a computer”

  • That was hilarious, especially the business analyst Access quote! Too true.

  • Make me laugh, thanks!
    Missing the spam reviews selling something else. Also, the BBM posts of guys looking for girls in the BlackBerry App World are hilarious.

  • Dmitriy Likhten
    December 16, 2011 6:46 am

    YesIAmADesigner:

    Requires you to learn this Seeckwell language. IDK wtf this is but I thought databases were just a bunch of information that I ask Siri for. Whatever, waste of $5. If you like learning languages I guess this is ok.

  • Haha! Pretty close to what App Store reviews look like. I’m always afraid of checking them to see if a game or app is “acceptable”, and it’s worse in the Spanish App Store, most of the complaints are about the game/app being only in English (this makes me sad, in fact).

    Cheers,

    Ruben

  • *
    This is the worst app in the world, you should be ashamed of yourself. You are absolute scum and deserve complete painful death. You are worse than Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and pol pot combined.

  • Definitely needed the all too common:

    Great App! – *
    By Sarah Shifford, December 1, 2011
    I love this app its awesome!

  • Wikibleats intercepted these tweets between Microsoft execs:

    @snap: You’re sure its out there? Not seeing sales.
    @stive: Oh yeah. It’s in the store.
    @snap: How will the market know?
    @stive: Trust the company marketing strategy: build it and they will come.

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