First, I’m sorry about the virus you got. Viruses, I mean, plural. I totally don’t mean to kick you while you’re down, but we need to talk.
Yes, I’ll fix it. Yes, I totally understand that you were just surfing the web for legitimate business needs. No, I won’t look in your browser history.
It’s going to take me about four hours to back your stuff up, strip out the viruses, make sure everything’s working okay, run the latest updates, put a real antivirus program on there, put a safer browser on there, and teach you how to use it all. Go ahead and grab a beer and a couple of Tylenol. No, not for you – for me. I know you think I love doing computer work, but this isn’t exactly the part that calls to me.
Did you know the Geek Squad charges $400 for in-home service for this, and $300 at the store? Ouch. That’d pretty much erase the cost difference between the iMac I told you to get, versus the cheap Windows machine you picked up. And that’s just one instance – and we both know this is gonna happen again, just like it did a couple of years ago. Ah, you thought I’d forgotten that, huh?
Now remember, when I give it back to you, you can’t surf any suspicious sites with this thing. I’ve done what I can by putting a better browser on there, but it’s always an arms race between the good guys and the bad guys. If you go to bad web sites, odds are you’re still going to get infected, no matter how much I set up ahead of time. Don’t download movies or music from web sites, because they’re probably not legit. Don’t open movies people send you in email, no matter who it is – even if it says it’s me, it’s not really me. I know you don’t understand how that works, but you have to trust me. And don’t even think about going to any “adult” sites. Maybe I could install virtualization on your machine and give you a separate instance, but I’m not sure that you’d be able to remember which window was safe and which one was dangerous. I’d end up coming over to give you regular refresher lessons about how to use the thing, and I know you’d get frustrated because you don’t want to spend any time learning – you just want to go surf and play.
In fact, if you’re going to insist on sticking with Windows, and you’re going to keep your valuable business stuff on there like your accounting, what I’d really recommend is that you get two separate machines: one for business and one for…pleasure. Although of course, even if you confine your “adult” surfing to the pleasure machine, you’re still going to get viruses on it, and you’re still going to rack up those $400 Geek Squad bills.
Or you could just buy a 20″ iMac for $1,000 or a Macbook for $1,300 and be done with it. Your call. You could even pick up a Mac Mini for under $500, but you have to bring your own keyboard, and quite frankly, you need a new keyboard. This one is filled with stuff, and I don’t mean crumbs.
No, it doesn’t run a lot of software, but all you’re really doing is surfing the web, listening to music & movies, checking your email, and using Microsoft Office, and it’s great for all of those. Best of all, you can go to all kinds of, uh, “web sites” and you won’t get infected, and I know how important that is to you. Or at least, I imagine it would be if I’d checked your browser history. Okay, look, I didn’t even have to check the history, because my anti-spyware stuff scrolled through a bunch of web site names as it was ripping out cookies. We’re still friends, but let’s just say I’m wearing gloves when I have to touch your keyboard.
No? You still wanna save money, eh? Well, here’s where the bad news comes in: this is the last time I’ll fix your computer for free. Next time, I’m pointing you to the Geek Squad. I’m not spending my weekends fixing your computers just because you want some free pr0n.