SQL Server 2010 Features Leaked! (Parody)


(If you found this page via a search, I’ve got good news – SQL Server 2010 will be called SQL Server 2008 R2, and the release date for all editions (including Express Edition) is May 2010.  You can learn more about SQL 2008 R2’s new features here.  I’m getting a lot of hits on this post because it was written as a joke before Microsoft announced the real version & release date.  The rest of this post was a joke, like April Fool’s.  I write a lot of funny stuff here.)

I’ve got great news, folks: I just got my hands on the list of new features in SQL Server 2010.  What?  You didn’t even know it was coming?  Pfft, outsider.  Listen, I’m under NDA, though, and I can’t really talk about this, so don’t say you heard these from me.

Best Practices Policies Enforced by Default

SQL Server 2008 shipped with Policy-Based Management, a way for DBAs to control large numbers of instances by setting up configuration policies.  For example, we can create policies that every table must have a primary key, or that all stored procedures must begin with usp.  SQL Server 2010 takes this to the next logical level by enabling these policies by default.

Think they won’t do it?  Think back a few years: SQL Server 2005’s default configuration did not allow connectivity from end users.  You had to manually turn on TCP/IP connectivity.  SQL Server 2010 is just continuing this gradual enforcement of best practices.

I’m not 100% sure about this, but from the way I’m reading the draft of Books Online, it looks like disabling policies will be deprecated in the next version of SQL Server as well.

Database Mail Expanded with Social Networking

Web 2.0, meet SQL 2.010.  Microsoft’s seen the spread of tools like Twitter and instant messaging, and they’re bundling right inside the box.  Now when you set up operators and alerts, you can include the user’s Twitter name or MSN instant messaging screen name.

Clearly, this is just to be used as a fallback, since these types of communication are less reliable than conventional SMTP mail.  It’s also not clear whether we’ll need to get a Twitter account for each of our SQL Servers, and whether we’ll have to set up “friend/follower” relationships with each DBA.  I’d hate to miss one of my critical errors because I’d blocked “SQLBOX9357” thinking it was just another spammer.

On the plus side, I’m looking forward to being able to set up a column in TweetDeck for “SQL Server Alerts.”  Although I’m not sure I’ll get too many of them, because SQL Server 2010 claims to be…

Completely Self-Tuning

Starting with SQL Server 2005, we got Dynamic Management Views (DMVs).  These windows into SQL Server’s internal engine workings have made tuning databases so easy a caveman could do it.  SQL Server 2010 will therefore include Ugg the Prehistoric Performance Tuner, a friendly fella in a fur outfit who constantly reads the DMV queries for missing indexes and unused indexes, then updates your schema appropriately.

This isn’t available in every edition, unfortunately, because SQL Server 2010 will be…

Available In Seven Editions

Historically we’ve had Express, Developer, Standard and Enterprise, but the clear success in the marketplace of Windows Vista’s licensing scheme is carrying into the SQL Server world.  We’ll be able to choose from:

  • Starter Express Edition – only allows 3 databases.
  • Developer Edition – optimized for cursors and triggers, and does not throw any error messages.  Microsoft wants to make sure developers can quickly say, “It worked on my machine.”
  • Standard Edition – I know what you’re thinking: it’s named after The Standard, a hip, humorous and luxurious boutique hotel chain.  You’re wrong.
  • Hybrid Edition – has the SQL Server GUI, but a MySQL engine. Everybody’s buying ’em these days.
  • Enterprise Edition – everything you really wanted in Standard.
  • Ultimate Edition – acts as a Media Center repository, so you can save your TV shows and por – I mean, “home movies” on it.  Scheduled for early release on BitTorrent.
  • Cloud Edition – like Enterprise Edition, but you pay by the byte stored.  Pricing and service levels haven’t been announced yet, but you can go ahead and start developing on it now and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

There’s more, too.  I’m reading BOL as we speak, and it looks like there’s a new Tweet datatype.  It looks like a varchar(140), but it has some kind of built-in security if the first two characters are “d “.  I’ll keep reading up on that and let you guys know what I find out.

Update: CTP to Be Released on 4/1/2009

I got two emails from people asking for more information, so I figured I’d better clarify that this is an April Fool’s style parody.  Sometimes my humor is a little on the subtle side.  I appreciate that folks hang on my every word, but sometimes – err, a lot of the time – I’m smiling when I say ’em.  Hope you had a laugh from it anyway!

Update #2: No Joke, It’ll Be Called SQL Server 2008 R2

And here’s my posts about it:

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