My parents got divorced before I got into high school, and I moved up to Michigan with my dad, back to his hometown. Whitehall is a tiny town on the shores of Lake Michigan, with polluted waters from a few 1970’s-80’s environmental problems, right down to the local Superfund sites. For years, even if anglers were lucky enough to catch fish in these toxic White Lake waters, the fish couldn’t be eaten.
As bad as the waters were, the dating pool in Whitehall makes the fishing look good.
But my father, who enjoyed both fishing and dating, managed to hook not only a woman that I’m proud to call Mom, but also an entire family of nice people that I always enjoy hanging around with.
Dad and Caryl started dating while I was in high school, which is an obvious recipe for trouble. High school kids hate new authority in the house, and even the best kids seem to rebel against the evil stepmoms. But the way Caryl came into my life, it was as if she’d done it a hundred times, and I can’t imagine anybody rebelling against her. We immediately got along great: she’s friendly, outgoing, intelligent.
Caryl has a goofy humor that fits along absolutely perfectly with both Dad’s and mine. We all have a great time poking fun at ourselves and each other, doing oddball voices, and having loud conversations yelling with glee. To me, life is about having fun, and Caryl shares that goal. No matter what you’re doing, no matter where you are, you have to be able to have fun with yourself and your family. Caryl’s funny and loud, bouncing off the walls without being obnoxious or overbearing. If it wasn’t for Caryl, I would never have thought someone could have not only fit in with the Ozar sense of humor, but added to it and made Dad and I even happier.
I’ve heard plenty of step-parents trying to be friends with the kids rather than parents, and while that may seem to guarantee short-term success, it’s a recipe for long-term failure. Caryl knew how to tread the line perfectly. I threw a few ill-advised parties my junior and senior year, and when the fit hit the shan, Caryl was the calmest, most understandable voice of reason. Caryl had a way of explaining to me the trouble I was in without coming off as Hitler, and the things she said made the most sense of anyone.
This went on for years. Not the partying - well, okay, that went on for years too, but the good advice. I had a series of ugly relationships after college that just didn’t work and didn’t put me in the right frame of mind. I tried to save a lot of people, tried to do the whole father-figure thing. Caryl talked logically about the situations and showed me what I was doing wrong, in a way that I could understand and appreciate, without being preachy or invasive in any way. Caryl and I would sit in the kitchen in the morning, talking over coffee, and I think those conversations were what led me to pursue more healthy relationships. I really enjoyed talking to Caryl about that kind of thing, asking for her thoughts, and I never felt like she was wagging her finger at me with disdain. I can - and do - talk to her about anything.
I wasn’t the only one who benefitted from her advice, either: Dad went through some rough patches in his life, as we all do. While I can’t say what it was like in the house during the tough times, I can vouch for how my dad reacted and grew. Caryl helped him (and me), understood, and did the right things to make sure life got back on course. I believe she’s been a mother figure to both of us, and I love her for making him the person he is today. He still loves life, loves doing the fun things, and she hasn’t squelched any of his oddball traits - while still being able to keep him out of trouble.
Caryl’s zest for life matches my dad’s: they both love getting out, doing things, and cultivating new friendships with interesting people. When I go home to Michigan, I never call up my former high school buddies - I hang out with Dad & Caryl’s friends. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, I don’t feel like I’m out of place, and I don’t feel like I’m stuck in first gear. Caryl’s friends and family are wonderful, enjoyable people who are tons of fun to hang out with - just like she is. When I partied at Dad & Caryl’s house for New Year’s Eve 2002 with their friends, Dad asked the next morning if I was really having a good time with those people. I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t love to have been there - family or not. (In fact, as I’m writing this, I feel guilty for not spending more time with Caryl’s family.)
Caryl and Dad throw the kinds of parties that I’d love to throw, have the kinds of friends I’d love to have, and even have the kind of positive, supporting relationship that I’m driven to get. At this stage in my life (Mother’s Day 2003), one of my goals is to be more outgoing like Caryl, because her friends are frankly more enjoyable than almost anybody I know. In two or three years, if Erika and I are hosting dinner parties like Dad and Caryl do, then I’ll consider my personal relationships a success.
Thanks for being both a friend and a mentor, Caryl, for giving me good advice in a way that I could digest and act upon. Thanks for standing by both Dad and me through some less-than-happy times, and for being a role model thoughout all of it. I love you, and I hope someday I can repay you.
Brent
