When LOST finishes this year, we’re going to need some new entertainment. Here’s the shows that I’m pitching to the major networks:
Dancing With The SELECT *’s
Every week, celebrity developers are paired with SQL Server MVPs to manage SQL Servers. Tune in to find out if these coders can make their data dance, or if their efforts will fall flat.
Dirty SQL Agent Jobs
Every week, host Mike Row (no, not Rowe) searches the country for those thankless scheduled tasks that keep your servers in good shape. He’ll interview the ones in the trenches – maintenance plans, index defrag scripts, and mirroring alerts.
The Deadliest Try/Catch
It’s not just the Bering Sea – it’s the Bering C#. Ever seen those computers on the Captain’s dashboard that track where the crab pots are laid out? This is where the real work is done – inside the database. Forget the diesel engines and check out the database engines as we join the ship’s mechanic: Adam Machanic.
SSIS
When crime impacts the government database community, the SQL Server Investigative Service team jumps into action. They might be disarmed forces, but they have keyboard hotkeys programmed to fire off KILL commands.
Law and ORDER BY
The police procedural genre has spawned countless spinoffs, and now it’s time to CREATE another one: the stored procedural show. Turn your volume up, set nocount on, and join us for this brutal thriller that will solve a new execution plan every week.
Magnum, BI
Ever wonder where the “master” database got its name? That’s right – Robin Masters. Turn the clock back thirty years and join us in Hawaii to witness the birth of Business Intelligence. Is Brad McGehee really the butler, or is he the man running the whole show? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Doctor SP_Who
For decades, the cult British classic has tried and failed to make its way to the American shores, but this version is surely destined for success. If this one doesn’t succeed, we’ll reboot it as Doctor SP_Who2.
It’s Your Turn! Pitch Us Your Show
Think you can top these? Give it your best shot in the comments before Monday, January 4th. My personal favorite will win an autographed copy of my new book, Professional SQL Server 2008 Internals and Troubleshooting. Good luck!
Jeff Rush just inspired this one…
Without a Trace
Auditing information from databases disappears and a crack team of DBA’s are sent into investigate…
“SQL” in the City
New this season the dynamic divas, Tripp, Delaney, Moss and Rubbelke are at it again. Don’t miss the season premier where these ladies tantalize R2 into reveling deep dark secrets. Special guest appearance by Paul Randal as Mr. Big.
Simple Recovery.
Tired of dealing with Hollywood starlets Dr. Drew focuses his
exploitationmuch needed attention and therapy on dealing with addiction in a small rural town.Ok, so I stole this one from a yellowing, old Foxtrot comic strip pinned to my bulletin board:
Query Eye for the Database Guy
Ha! Unfortunately a few people beat you to it – scroll up higher in the comments.
Everybody LIKE ‘%Raymond%’
Raymond is surrounded by a number of random characters in this stringy affair.
LOL… Great entry, Lance!
Inspired by Lance.
Charles IN (‘Charge’)
A flood of new titles came to me in the last 24 hours… Most of them are really stupid, but I just jotted them down as they came to me:
In rough order of when they appeared on television:
XML RAWhide
The DATETIME Tunnel
CUBEy-Doo, Where Are You?
The Rockford Filegroups
Welcome Backup, Kotter
VARP() in Cincinnati
Hill Street Queues (a decade later came NYPD Queue)
Query, She Wrote (DBA Jessica Fletcher solves mysteries on the side)
Doogie Howser MDX (A whiz kid at multi-dimensional queries)
Partition of Five
Spindle City
Buffer the Vampire Slayer
Techs in the City
30 LOCK
Friday Night Bytes
–Brad
Lost in Transactions – talk show for newbies and accidental dbas directed by Coppola
BETWEEN the SARG
Tune in every weak and see Lionel, Liona, Theo and Cleo struggle with column-manipulation and inclusive/exclusive ranges until Arty Smartypants shows them how to avoid RBAR queries and show that the SARG must flow by teaching them to read the fine manual.
Deadlock Betty – her life in a constant state of victimization, Betty meets a DBA, and is swept away transactionally, but can she avoid a deadly embrace as a scheduled SQL Agent job secretly puts a database lock on her new friend’s personal data? Can she get any help from her DBA’s friend, Profiler? Will she be able to help her DBA avoid being the latest deadlock victim?
Tune in to channel 2008 R2 for the next riveting episode !!!
SQL Community
A smart comedy series about a band of misfits who attempt to resolve database issues and form a group community and eventually learn more about themselves than their course work.
FULLTEXT and the City
4 DBA’s of various character and morals are let loose in the big city.